I hate myself and I want to die

How should I do it? Quick and painless of course. I do not want to suffer. Plus, I don't want to leave behind some greusome scene of violence for someone I care for to discover. I know! I'll go up into the mountains and find some cave or perhaps a sewer drain pipe.. Climb deep inside, and then blow my brains out. The body would have long decomposed to just a skeleton before it would be discovered. I could leave behind cryptic notes telling them that I went off to Nepal to meditate with the lamas. Yes, that's a good idea. Perhaps I'll go to Nepal and find the cave to off myself in there. That would be an ever better idea, methinks. Ah, to die. To fall asleep forever. I wonder if you dream when you're dead? Is the afterlife permanent dreamstate? One can only speculate. At any rate, life right now as it is here is far too unpleasant to possibly tolerate anymore. I mean, shit, day after day --- waking up, a hateful experience to be sure: being robbed of the only joy in my life, the blissful escapism of the dreamworld --- to a world where I must hastfuly pop out of bed, bathe, throw on some clothes and run as quick as I can, already late, to the cubicle farm to show my face for eight ridiculous hours of doing dick except waiting to get away from all those assholes (don't get me wrong, some of them are quite nice and I am quite fond of) to the sweet seclusion of my apartment where I can dwell in misery on how lonely I am. I must beg the pardon of you, my esteemed reader, at this point. I have been behaving quite aloof lately and have made no efforts to reveal who in fact I am. I am your standard issued slightly-more-intelligent-than-the-average-shithead-in-public-school kid who grew up in suburban 70s and 80s Texas, a perfect example of public schooling, yet intelligent nonetheless to become quite good at computing as a hobby which started out as a mediocre shit $17.5k job as a kid (1993) that grew to $115k job as a 31 year old in this here year 2002. You know how it was back then ... how many of you blokes met your first real girlfriend when you first started making that big $$$$ dot-com money? And how many of you blokes are going through a breakup (if you'd been smart) or a divorce (or proceeding towards one currently) by now? We were unpopular kids, most of us, in high school... but then we went and started making the $$$. The chicks started treating us a bit different then, didn't they! Well, I digress. I have made the decision to begin planning my own termination.

	Oh, and did I mention... (none / 0) (#1)
	by KingAzzy on Thu Aug 29th, 2002 at 10:20:12 PM PST

	... that that I spend most of my day rotating through Adequacy, my email, and various Usenet groups obsessively looking for news that the world is going to end or any conversation I might be able to jump onto, insuilting the poster and to behave in socially incorrect a matter as possible?

	You've been crossposting to it for years, (none / 0) (#19)
	by because it isnt on Sat Aug 31st, 2002 at 02:34:05 AM PST

	but you never read it, did you? alt.life.sucks Why not visit that nice Mr Xemblinosky and have a nice cup of tea, talk about how bad the world is, etc.? adequacy.org -- because it isn't

	als (none / 0) (#20)
	by KingAzzy on Sat Aug 31st, 2002 at 08:22:58 PM PST

	Actually I was a regular there before it was effectively killed by the HFW back in circa '98. Now it is just completely dead save for an occasional xpost or spam. :(

	You could just use demon.local instead. (none / 0) (#23)
	by because it isnt on Mon Sep 2nd, 2002 at 01:44:05 PM PST

	Well at least BDZ has something to tell the children, if he ever turns hetero. I would look at als.moderated but apparently I'm too stupid to configure a newsreader. adequacy.org -- because it isn't

	I'm gonna take you seriously. (5.00 / 1) (#2)
	by jvance on Thu Aug 29th, 2002 at 10:57:04 PM PST

	Go find some books by David Burns. Do some research on Cognitive/Behavioral Therapy. Find a psychiatrist who is familiar with it and who is actually willing to work with you - not some bastard who thinks eight years of medical school means he doesn't have to lift a finger anymore except to dispense pills. In the meantime, join a gym, or take up running, cycling or aerobics. Get regular, scheduled, vigorous exercise. Exercising improves your mood, and as you get fit, you feel more alive. Seriously man, there's a way out of your hell. You'll come out the other side a stronger, better person. Of course, if your diary is insincere, then I freely admit that IHBT and IHL. -- Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

	the other side of the coin (5.00 / 1) (#5)
	by nathan on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 12:26:51 AM PST

	I decided to take a look at the ol' Adequacy at 3:30 at night, having spent yet another day utterly, utterly failing as a musician. Two hours of practice, twelve hours of practice, theoretical work, turning off my brain - nothing seems to work. What a waste of 15,000 hours of my life and twelve years of it. I'm trying to face some exceedingly unpleasant facts here. When your house burns down, you still have a foundation. I wouldn't say this to someone whose foundation had been shattered in an earthquake. On the other hand I don't expect to make half of the salary mentioned in body text no matter how long I live or how good I get. It could be a hell of a lot worse. This isn't a 'stop whining' post. Its genre is more like 'you have a lot going for you - please realise it and do what you can, because your life is still worthwhile, you poor guy.' So, KingAzzy, you're apparently smart and not poorly off. That's not a bad start. Why not take a few months to do interesting things like study religion, hang glide, talk to pretty girls, and take jvance's advice? He knows what he's talking about, I'm sure. You only get one life and your situation is not impossible, although I'm sure it really does suck. But don't give up now, of all times. Good luck. Nathan -- Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

	Quit the job (none / 0) (#13)
	by dmg on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 12:38:09 PM PST

	And go travel around. It works. time to give a Newtonian demonstration - of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration. -- MC Hawking

	That may not be the answer. (5.00 / 1) (#15)
	by jvance on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 02:41:39 PM PST

	There are two kinds of depression: situational and chronic. With the first kind, there's crap in your life that sucks. So you get rid of the crap in your life (if you can) and you feel better. With chronic depression, it simply doesn't matter how good things get. Your thought processes are warped and your brain chemistry is off, and both problems feed on each other and drive you to think that any conceivable life is not worth living. It sounds like KingAzzy's depression is chronic. If that's the case, then he needs to fix his thinking first, and then tackle the details of his life. -- Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

	I know sometimes it sucks, but... (none / 0) (#26)
	by hauntedattics on Wed Sep 4th, 2002 at 01:56:17 PM PST

	would you really rather be picking through 8 million lines of code to find glitches than screwing up the Bach Chaconne for the 20th time in a practice room? Thinking of you and intending to be in touch soon...you know that hoary old cliche about intentions...

	Shit, of course you're miserable.... (none / 0) (#3)
	by eSolutions on Thu Aug 29th, 2002 at 11:08:12 PM PST

	...you're doing robot work. How can you help but lose your soul? That's what they're paying you for. You can't spend your life locked in a cage, pushing buttons, with nothing to occupy your mind but bad memories, and expect to be happy. Obviously the money isn't worthwhile. So quit your job and force yourself to live by your wits, as actual men do. This may sound like a bad idea now, but keep in mind you'll be a free man when you do. If you fall into a worse job, you'll be able to quit that instead of dejectedly soldiering on. And as a living creature and not a marionette, endless opportunities will spring into your imagination. (Your employer is going to fire you eventually anyway; or you'll retire after having spent your life there.) Or you could go on Paxil or Scientology, but then you'd just be a happy cog instead of a miserable one. So move to Singapore and build a harem. ------- You wanna play the blind man, go walk with a Shepherd. But me, my eyes are wide fuckin' open.

	First of all, don't kill yourself... (none / 0) (#6)
	by Anonymous Reader on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 01:54:25 AM PST

	...because there is no afterlife, and if you do kill yourself, we here on tha AQ will make jokes about you, and since you will be dead, you'll miss out on all the fun. How to carry on, then? First of all, get used to being unhappy. It's easy once you resolve yourself to it. You'll find yourself settling into misery like a comfortable bathrobe, seeing the world through the soft gentle light of gloom, every smiling child a delicate filigree of hopes and expectations soon to be reduced to ragged strands of despair by the cold cutting blades of reality, every warm sunny day an empty facade of sunlight and atmosphere, concealing so imperfectly the ever encroaching fathomless dark and infinite chill of the eternal void that enveolps our tiny planet. Yes, bitter rancorous grief can be fun! Just pretend you're Morrisey or Baudelaire and go from there. Second, fuck ugly chicks. I cannot recommend this highly enough (NOTE: DO NOT fuck fat chicks. They are all self-hating, tiresome shrews, plus they're fat). For one thing, ugly chicks, being ugly, usually develop desirable characteristics such as aesthetic sensibilites or senses of humor to compensate for their lack of prettiness. A lot of them are terrific dancers. Also, ugly chicks are way easier to score with, and it's true what they say about them geing "grateful": most of them can put out like typhoons! Well that's it, just remember: fuck ugly chicks, don't kill yourself. Simple, effective.

	guh (none / 0) (#11)
	by tkatchev on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 07:31:10 AM PST

	ïðèâåò ëóíàòèêàì -- Peace and much love...

	I'll second at least part of this (none / 0) (#25)
	by Ortho Normal on Wed Sep 4th, 2002 at 01:38:34 PM PST

	The notion of getting used to being unhappy is an interesting one. I myself have wondered whether that is precisely the reason why my down moods don't seem as bad now that I am a little older (32). I have been dealing with depression since I was old enough to walk. At this point in life, I have gone through so many up/down cycles that I know on a cognitive level that I will feel better in a few days/weeks. (On the other hand, I also know that I will feel worse again!) In any case, it does feel to me as if my knowledge is influencing my mood to some degree. When I was younger I did not feel this way--instead, I would loose all perspective and succumb to emotional free-fall. It was horrible. As for hooking up with less attractive women, I have found that to be easier said than done. Even though several times in my life I have managed to attract real hotties, there have been a few multi-year dry spells too, including a good portion of my late 20's. During those times, I recall deliberately scraping the bottom of the barrel, and coming up empty handed over and over again! I was astounded in light of my previous successes! The system seems truly chaotic. I would say it makes sense to go for the ones who are at least semi-attractive, since you probably have just as good a chance anyway. By the way, I never noticed any correlation between my salary and my degree of attractiveness to women. The women I meet seem to make enough money that they don't care about mine, and even the ones who really need extra cash (i.e. school teachers) don't seem to be gold diggers. I think that is a thing of the past, at least in Boston. Hang in there Man.

	Use a biker helmet (none / 0) (#9)
	by Juan Fernandez on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 05:06:08 AM PST

	If you wear a helmet your brains won't spread all around so you won't need to hide in a cave or anything to blow them up. Just make sure to get one of those stickers saying "In the event of an accident please do not remove my helmet".

	Quit your job... (none / 0) (#4)
	by opalhawk on Thu Aug 29th, 2002 at 11:14:20 PM PST

	...And join the Army. Go to the middle east and hunt terrorists. You will either die in your persuit, or return with a renewed sense of purpouse. Either way you win, and we are down some evil scum to boot. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

	dear mr asshole sir (none / 0) (#7)
	by nathan on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 02:01:01 AM PST

	Please get bent, then kill yourself. Thx Nathan -- Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

	What's your problem? (none / 0) (#8)
	by Anonymous Reader on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 03:14:09 AM PST

	I thought my advice was quite sensible. Wait, let me guess: you're one of those guys who're into fat women, aren't you? Anyway, I can't end my life until I find out how this whole Lance Bass in space thing turns out.

	Throw it all away (none / 0) (#10)
	by Anonymous Reader on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 07:29:33 AM PST

	The job, the chick and the lifestyle are not you. Throw them away, not yourself. Suicide in your situatuion means admitting that you don't have the balls to chuck all the shit and try something else. If you're comfortable with that assessment, then sure, go ahead and smear your grey matter all over the nearest convenient surface. But if you want to live, all you need to do is summon the courage to dispose of what's broken. Things will never get better if you desperately cling to what you have in the hopes the somehow something will come along and deliver you from it. You don't need a wife. You don't need a 6 figure salary. You don't need a large house or a nice car. In fact, having those things obviously isn't helping you at all. Quit the job. Divorce the woman. Sell the house. Sell the car. Move to a totally different city that you know nothing about. Spend a few months living in a cheap apartment. Don't get an internet account. Wander the streets and look at the world around you. You will find a better future that way.

	Methods... (none / 0) (#12)
	by walwyn on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 08:38:22 AM PST

	...tacky and not so tacky.

	God (none / 0) (#14)
	by Right Hand Man on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 01:53:56 PM PST

	Turn your life over to God. I suspect that most of your problems stem from your lack of faith, and your questions about the nature of what will occur after you die support that. If you keep strong faith in God you will find the happiness you seek as well as enjoy eternal life. ------------------------- "Keep your bible open and your powder dry."

	Maybe you need to be smacked... (none / 0) (#16)
	by Anonymous Reader on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 04:50:29 PM PST

	Killing your self is not the answer... GO DOWN WITH A BANG! Kill, destory, maim! The people who hurt you... the people who hate you, crush them all! Heres what I suggest... going to a hareware or sometime of place where the sell melee weaponary. Now if you want to make more maiming then killing... Go hammer, now if you want more killing sword or axe. Hell buy all three! Now start taking out people! The cop come? Run at them with the fury of ten men (20 geeks). If you die, you die, if you make and kill all of them, good for you keep going! See now your not some weak person who killed him self... no your a warrior who went down like all great men should with bang!

	Hareware store (none / 0) (#17)
	by jvance on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 07:39:45 PM PST

	Is that where you buy your harebrained ideas? -- Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

	How to die... (none / 0) (#18)
	by fractured clavicle on Sat Aug 31st, 2002 at 01:17:19 AM PST

	The Church of Euthanasia has a recommendation for you.

	no its genetic n/t (none / 0) (#21)
	by Anonymous Reader on Sat Aug 31st, 2002 at 10:16:24 PM PST

	Just do it man (none / 0) (#22)
	by Anonymous Reader on Sun Sep 1st, 2002 at 03:07:30 AM PST

	Go ahead and off yourself, the only reason I haven't is it is too expensive for bullets. LOL Yeah, shit gets rough. Just remember ladyluck always likes pushing people to the breaking edge. Then she pulls out the good shit.

	Seppuku (none / 0) (#24)
	by Anonymous Reader on Wed Sep 4th, 2002 at 04:20:39 AM PST

	I've been thinking of using the Seppuku method myself.