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My office needs:
more men 0%
more women 12%
more unidentified white powder 37%
a corporal punishment policy 37%
other 12%

Votes: 8

 Terrorism in the PRC

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Nov 02, 2001
The PRC stands for People's Republic of Cambridge.

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Fun with fatties
An announcement
So my office had its own little brush with the anthrax scare this week. On Monday, one of my co-workers found white powder in her briefcase and decided to take it to her local fire department. They impounded her briefcase, car AND soy latte and promised to get test results back within 48 hours. The office was split between people in a state of controlled hysteria and people who thought she was mountaining a molehill. My boss and I discussed starting a bet to see whether the powder was from a recent trip to Dunkin's or a spill from a gym bag.

Yesterday the test results still hadn't come back, and the employee in question sent an email to all of us complaining about the inefficiency of the Mass. health authorities and how God forbid we should have an actual bioterrorism attack here. (Of course the authorities probably really aren't prepared for that, but that's another story. My colleague forgot to mention in her rant that they've had over 5,000 people in Mass. come forward with "samples" over the past few weeks, all of which have to be tested even if they're obviously shredded coconut.)

Anyway, it turned out that it wasn't anthrax (of course), so we all either breathed a sigh of relief or nodded knowingly at each other. But then this morning, I found out that my esteemed co-worker accused another co-worker of planting the fake anthrax in her bag! More hysteria, backstabbing, shrill voices, and whispering to cohorts in hallways has resulted.

So here's my solution to this problem. My company is 80% staffed by XXers, who individually are generally nice, reasonable people. However, when they get congregate in a finite space for 8+ hours at a time, all that estrogen floating around combines to make a potentially deadly mixture of hysterical emotion. What we need is to bring in more men, preferably really manly men, to tell these females to shape up or else. I'd try it myself, but as a fellow female, I'm afraid the only result would be a black mark on my secret record and dirty looks from now until doomsday. Or at least 'til I leave.


How long (none / 0) (#1)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 08:54:51 AM PST
have you worked at this office? Must not be very long as an office staffed with 80% XXers surely could not last long in the cut-throat, ruthless real world. Yes, this office must have been started up within the past year, or, if earlier than that, is fast running out of cash and on its way to chapter 11. Add a few men and watch your bottom line improve! PS. I was just laid off and am available for any management positions you may need to fill.

XXers (none / 0) (#2)
by nathan on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 09:21:56 AM PST
Bah, if the office were 80% men, there'd be just as many problems - rampant boys' club culture is kind of creepy and tends to get ass-slappingly homoerotic.

It basically sounds as if one dizzy loose cannon is causing all of your troubles. Is she dispensable? I mean, 'she planted anthrax in my bag'? That's out of a fricking comic strip. Her supervisor ought to chew her ragged.

If you need a manly man, though, I volunteer all 140 lbs of myself to come and make a little money. I'm a quick study - I'm sure I'd pick it up in a hurry.

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

I think you're projecting a bit (none / 0) (#7)
by Adam Rightmann on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 10:07:35 AM PST
Bah, if the office were 80% men, there'd be just as many problems - rampant boys' club culture is kind of creepy and tends to get ass-slappingly homoerotic.

My undergraduate degree is in Aerospace Engineering, the male/female ratio was about 10:1. We had a lot a camaraderia, spending countless hours together in the engineering library or in the computer labs. I don't recall any buttock-slapping.

My current career is in software, and with a male:female ratio of about 2:!. Still not creepy buttock-slapping.

Could you be projecting your own fears and desires?

A. Rightmann

interesting tombstoner (none / 0) (#12)
by nathan on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 02:52:32 PM PST
I don't recall any buttock-slapping.

Catholic repres[sion][sed]-memory syndrome?

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Well... (none / 0) (#9)
by hauntedattics on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 11:14:12 AM PST
I actually worked at a large consulting firm with a close to 80% men ratio, and while it was a bit of a boys club, there wasn't much ass-slapping and they were nice to us non-white non-boys.

I wish it were just this one loose cannon causing all my troubles. Unfortunately there are other women around the office, some of whom are in positions of power and most of whom tend to get shrill and emotional at one time or another. And one of these is Ms. Loose Cannon's supervisor. It's all relatively dysfunctional, but maybe someday it'll give me enough material for my One Great Novel.

statistics show (none / 0) (#10)
by nathan on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 12:09:10 PM PST
that there are much higher incidences of both genius and idiocy among men. Perhaps this isn't the frustration of a woman in a women-only environment. It's the frustration of a normal (that is to say, exceptional) person in an environment composed primarily of dolts (ordinary people.)

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Hey... (none / 0) (#11)
by hauntedattics on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 02:08:55 PM PST
I like that theory. I think I'll stick with it. It's more comforting than the one that I'm stuck in an office with a bunch of subclinical neurotics, or worse.

And you may be right about the genius/idiocy dichotomy for men. A large consulting firm with a really rigorous hiring process tends to weed out the idiots...the intellectual ones anyway.

intelligence (none / 0) (#13)
by nathan on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 03:05:49 PM PST
is not equivalent to compentency or stability. That's probably why few of us work alongside autistic savants. Indeed, we know that the smarter a person is, the weirder he's likely to be.

My own theory on this is that geniuses have a hard time ignoring the inevitability of their own mortality, so are driven to realize amazing projects in this lifetime.

[ splurt, splutter ]

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

what a surprise (none / 0) (#3)
by osm on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 09:28:34 AM PST
all of you should be exterminated

You're overlooking (none / 0) (#4)
by nathan on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 09:31:00 AM PST
something crucial (left as an exercise for the reader.)

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

What are the odds anyway... (none / 0) (#5)
by elenchos on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 09:55:10 AM PST
...for one of you common poeple dying from e. coli you picked up at a salad bar, vs. dying from anthrax? A thousand times higher? Ten thousand? What about other risks? I mean overall, how much has anyone's total daily risk changed? By a one-hundred-millionth part?

Granted, those of us who are well-known media personalities really are in grave, immediate danger. But that is exactly the reason it's time USians woke up and realized it is time to quit thinking about themselves all the time and give a little attention to public figures, especially journalists, actors and writers. Our lives matter too you know!

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

Your co-worker's problem (none / 0) (#6)
by zikzak on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 10:00:01 AM PST
is that she was drinking a soy latte. Regular lattes are faggy enough, and nothing says "I want to be trendy but the taste of real coffee or espresso is too much for me, so I'm going to bury the flavor with milk." However, she went far above and beyond this point with the soy milk. I suppose it could be forgiven if she were lactose intolerant, but we both know she isn't. She uses the soy because she's a filthy stinking neo-hippy and it is a boost to her precious image to grab the box of Earth Mother's Natural Organic Soy instead of just snagging a plain jug of Cumberland Farm's Pastuerized. I bet she drives a Volvo with a 'Keep your laws off my body' bumpersticker, too.

Actually... (none / 0) (#8)
by hauntedattics on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 11:09:20 AM PST
she drives a Honda minivan. For the kids, you know.

what kind (none / 0) (#14)
by alprazolam on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 08:26:35 PM PST
of car do you drive

I don't suppose.... (none / 0) (#15)
by cp on Sat Nov 3rd, 2001 at 07:29:52 AM PST
Would some strategically planted anthrax manage to free up some parking spaces for non-resident use?

Spankings! (none / 0) (#16)
by egg troll on Sat Nov 3rd, 2001 at 05:56:22 PM PST
Yes, I think the women there should spank one another. That would teach them!

Posting for the love of the baby Jesus....


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