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What kind of car do you drive?
Early Import (older then 1990) Stock 12%
Early US (older then 1990) Stock 7%
Early Import (older then 1990) Tweaked 1%
Early US (older then 1990) Tweaked 0%
Modern Import (90+) Stock 22%
Modern US (90+) Stock 18%
Modern Import (90+) Tweaked 18%
Modern US (90+) Tweaked 5%
Other 12%

Votes: 54

 Killer Wheels: How To Get Started in the Custom-Car Movement

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Oct 31, 2001

You and I both know its all about speed. The recent movie Fast and the Furious has increased the interest in fast looking cars to new heights. 'But I cant afford that', you say. Perhaps you just inherited your parents' car, and you want to fix it up. Maybe it's a mid-nineties Civic or Integra. It's so lame though. It has plain paint, a lack of low profile tires, and no spoilers or neon to be seen. You need to look at this guide before making any of these changes. For instance, did you know that racing stripes are very effective for intimidating other drivers? Yea, I didn't think so. Read on for the end-all guide to having the coolest looking car on the block.


More stories about Cars
America's Death Machines
Caytie, My Porsch? Cayenne

The very first step to making your car look like it could be the fastest thing in the world is to add some decals. Try and find a 5-foot wide one depicting the logo of your favourite band or of a cool saying. I know, I know, some of your favourites don't really have a 'logo', but you can probably get a good sign shop to write 'Brittany Spears' in 6 foot letters for you. The best place to place the inaugural logo is right in the middle of your back window or angled across the driver's side door. You can't put this sort of thing on the front windshield. It would look very cool there, but you have to remember that you must see ahead! Another good decal type is racing stripes. These actually do make your car go faster, and they look really good too.

Once you've got the logo in place, cruse down the street with the most foot traffic in your town with your windows rolled down so you can show off your newly stylized car. This lets people know that it there is a new car on the road, and it looks like a million dollar racer too boot. You may get ugly looks from other motorists with obviously inferior cars, but just make your tires squeak a bit when you pull away from the light. Don't hit the guy in front of you though. Simply press your breaks as hard as you can and change lanes to avoid being slowed down by the much less cool cars around you. You can check beside you if you want to be safe, but since your car looks so fast, no one will dare to attempt to pull past you, so you can change lanes in peace.

After that, you will want to put some interior enhancements in. Feel free to pretend you have a nitro kit too. The best thing to do in the interior of a super-fast car is to have a helmet near by, and get some extra seatbelt material and drape it over you every time you drive to make it look like you have a five-point harness. If you really want to make your car look crazy-fast, put the helmet on while waiting at red lights. Less amazing cars and their drivers will melt at that sight!

Next, you should install as many lighting devices you can. Spotlights, headlights, neon, and fog lights all work, and extra credit if they don't turn off ever. This way people will notice you with greater ease, day or night! You have full creative freedom here. Put on headlight covers, paint the corners of your signal lights, and get those all-clear break light covers. This is where you make your car stand out.

The most important performance-enhancing feature is yet to come, though. You need to add spoilers. The bigger they are, the faster your car will look. The hardest part is getting them to match your paint, but most good body shops will put them on and match the color for a good price. At this stage, it is also a good idea to get some low profile tires and a good-looking set of rims.

You are now quite well on the way to appearing to be able to beat Porches and Vipers. All that's left is to lower your car as close to the ground as possible. Don't worry about getting the suspension properly tuned, that costs much too much and the goal here is maximum appearance of speed. There may be a safety hazard if your camber is not properly calibrated by a professional though, so be weary of questionable shops. 

Now, some people may say that it is unscrupulous to do all these changes to an otherwise gutless car. Don't listen. Your car must look like the fastest one in town. Just remember these simple key phrases: Yellow = looks fast. Stickers = looks fast. Spoilers = looks fast. Lots of headlights and fog lights=looks fast. Clear break light covers = looks fast. All you have to do is remember those simple key aspects of performance automotive customization!


O.B. Poll. (none / 0) (#20)
by tkatchev on Wed Oct 31st, 2001 at 10:47:00 AM PST
My other car is a cheap Chinese bike. :(((

Peace and much love...

Gah (5.00 / 2) (#21)
by seventypercent on Wed Oct 31st, 2001 at 11:01:51 AM PST
The neighbors across the street have a teenage boy who's got himself one of those red Saturn coupes. Over the course of the past year he's bolted on a ridiculous red wing, splattered various stickers across his windows, and (apparently) installed some kind of aftermarket exhaust that makes the thing sound rather like a very loud dirt bike. Fortunately, the new muffler somewhat masks the obnoxious subwoofer that he uses to announce his new Eminem purchases to the neighborhood. The redeeming thing about ricers is that you have to believe that one day they will realize how silly they look. To him, it might look like a "speed machine", but to me it looks like a bunch of crap screwed to a really small car that might make 140 hp on a good day.

Personally, I decided to take the honest approach and pony up the cash for a car that really does go fast.

Red-blooded patriots do not use Linux.

Great (none / 0) (#22)
by hauntedattics on Wed Oct 31st, 2001 at 11:38:53 AM PST
My neighbors' kids aren't old enough to drive yet, but they buzz around the neighborhood on a home-built 2-wheeler that's astoundingly noisy for its size. Is a customized Saturn blasting Eminem what I have to look forward to???

Unfortunately .. (none / 0) (#23)
by seventypercent on Wed Oct 31st, 2001 at 12:47:51 PM PST
.. this is probably exactly what you will be facing on the horizon, aside from the fact that Eminem will most likely be dead by the time that they start driving. This can be of little solace, however, when you consider the very real possibility that Slim Shady will doubtless be followed by somebody even more obnoxious. :(

Red-blooded patriots do not use Linux.

Perhaps not (none / 0) (#32)
by aoc on Wed Oct 31st, 2001 at 07:47:33 PM PST
Home built? That implies they at least of some level of automotive skill. So you may end up with intolerably loud engines, nitrous explosions, and constant tire barking, but at least take comfort in the fact that their cars will actual be fast instead of steaming pile of shit pasted on to some jap econobox.

Bah (none / 0) (#35)
by Dexter Descarte on Thu Nov 1st, 2001 at 07:44:41 AM PST
A Mustang SVT!? Could you get ripped off any more? Get a freakin Z28 for 5 grand less that's faster and handles better. Like it matters, they are both 18k cars rice-boyed by the factory. They just don't compare to cars built from the ground up as pure sportscars, like Corvettes for example. Get an early nineties 350HP LT1 Vette for 15k and blow off Stangs, Camaros, and the vast majority of rice burners (but beware the true jap sportscars like RX7s and 300Z TTs as they will run with ya all day long).

For me though, the only true way to automotive performance bliss is the tried and true American V8 in a British sportscar. Most famously the Shelby Cobras and Lister-Chevys (in front of the D-Type Jag) but also the far more affordable Sunbeam Tigers and TVR Griffiths.

$18k? I wish .. (5.00 / 1) (#36)
by seventypercent on Thu Nov 1st, 2001 at 08:16:18 AM PST
Double that (mine is a completely-loaded convertible), and then you'd be about right. You're probably thinking of the Mustang GT. I find the obsession that a vocal minority of people have with the Camaro to be perplexing at best .. the car is the epitome of ugly design. Why so many people would willingly put themselves behind the wheel of what essentially amounts to an oversized doorstop is completely beyond me. The Firebird isn't much better; Pontiac went so completely over the top in the design phase that they ended up with something that looks like it needs to be scaled down 20 times and placed in some kid's toybox.

I like the Cobra because it's fun, it's fast, it turns heads, and they aren't a dime-a-dozen like the Camaros and the low and mid-end Mustangs are (mine is one out of 110.) 320 horses isn't going to destroy everything on the road, but that's not what I'm looking for. Those are games to be played by obnoxious teenagers at stoplights. I'd rather find a lonely country road, hammer it down, and enjoy the G-forces.

Red-blooded patriots do not use Linux.

I am with ya mostly (none / 0) (#37)
by Dexter Descarte on Thu Nov 1st, 2001 at 01:12:32 PM PST
No, the base Mustang is about 18k and all the variants are based off of that fairly cheap platform. It's simply not the greatest performance platform compared with true sportscars with their monocouques, superior engine placement, and fully independent variable suspensions. I fully agree with you that the Mustang looks a shit ton better than the GM F Body cars, but what I was saying is that a $25k Z28 performs marginally better than a $32k Cobra (same 1/4 mile times but slightly better slalom for the Camaro). The one thing I do like about the F-Bodies is their scoops are functional, I find the fake scoops on the Mustangs to be kind of goofy although this is in reference to the GTs, the Cobras may have functional ones.

And I also totally agree with you on the enjoyability of windy country roads over stoplight to stoplight drag racing, but these roads are just as enjoyable in a cheap little sportscar like a Miata as in anything else. I drive an RX7 so it's obvious, with such a low tourqe/high RPM turbocharged engine, that dragging isn't my prefered method of having fun in the car. It is also fairly unique looking which surprisingly ended up being the clincher in my purchase of it over a VR4 3000GT so I do grok your preference of the Cobra thusly. And hell, all these cars have more than enough power for anybody... plenty enough to get yourself in trouble ;)

Okay, I gotcha (none / 0) (#38)
by seventypercent on Thu Nov 1st, 2001 at 02:09:34 PM PST
.. what I was saying is that a $25k Z28 performs marginally better than a $32k Cobra.

What model years and/or options? I was under the impression that the Z28s made between 285 and 305 BHP, depending on model year and options, but it's been a while since I've looked at any numbers (I don't know about other add-ons like Ram Air.) Then there's the Camaro SS, of course, which I seem to recall is somewhat more capable than the Z28.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that I'm a Mustang enthusiast and always have been, so there is a reason for my anti-F-Body bias. ;-)

The one thing I do like about the F-Bodies is their scoops are functional, I find the fake scoops on the Mustangs to be kind of goofy although this is in reference to the GTs, the Cobras may have functional ones.

The Cobra scoops are functional. I agree that the GT's are a bit silly (they're usually referred to as hood "nostrils".)

The modular (96+) Mustangs actually leave themselves open to a lot of fairly easy modification. Saleen does a lot of work modifying stock Mustangs and re-selling them; their 1997 SR model made 600 BHP, which is an ungodly amount of power for a street car. Obviously, they do some structural modifications, such as stiffening the frame, but the base vehicle is not substantially changed. With the Cobras, you can pony up a couple of grand and bolt on a supercharger and a blower that will nicely boost you up from 320 horses or so to 480 or thereabouts (in theory, anyway.) At that level, you could destroy pretty much any sub-Viper or sub-Euro-supercar on the road. I have no plans to make this modification, because as you said .. there comes a point where it really just doesn't matter a whole lot anymore. :-)

Red-blooded patriots do not use Linux.

listen to yourselves... (none / 0) (#40)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 11:11:19 AM PST
..My IROC this, my Mustang that... Uhhh, I'm gonna have to go home and jerk off in my own mouth thinking about the new Z28!! uhhhh

He's a hint, however cool you guys think these cars make you look, everyone else on the road considers you assholes. Any woman who'd go out with you just because you have a 'cool car' is obviously a whore. I once got a handjob from a girl who thought I had a cool car, but when she found out I drive a Toyota Camry (V6, fuckin' loaded, and a spoiler cuz it's just that fast!) she didn't want anything to do with me. Definitly NOT girlfriend material. You guys will never have this litmus test at your disposal. Foreshame... I hope you enjoy your empty sexual trists commited in the woefully small backseat of whatever subpar 'sports car' you chose to drive.

It is simple. (none / 0) (#41)
by dmg on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 01:19:40 PM PST
The fact of the matter is that when it comes to cars, Europe kicks the USA's ass in every single way.

From exotic Mid-engined V12s through smooth six cylindar autobahn-stormers like BMW and Merc, to specialist sports cars like Lotus, TVR and Morgan.

Americans cars such as the ones you mention are all very well if you wish to go quite fast in a straight line, on a smooth surfaced road, but for anything more demanding, it needs to be European.

And then, if not european, a turbocharged japanese car like an Impreza WRX or A Lancer Evo VI.

Face it, the Americans are simply not very good at building automobiles, evidenced by how few they sell on the world market.

time to give a Newtonian demonstration - of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration.
-- MC Hawking

Kinda ironic, y'know. (none / 0) (#43)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 03:39:19 PM PST
"Face it, the Americans are simply not very good at building automobiles, evidenced by how few they sell on the world market."

Funny, hmm, that General Moters and Ford are two of the three largest automobile companies in the entire world, huh? Hmm, funny, eh. Hmm.

Us cars (none / 0) (#54)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Nov 5th, 2001 at 02:31:58 AM PST
Ford and General Motors are no longer American companies, they are worldwide multinationals.

The Fords and General Motors' cars sold in Europe are designed and built by Europeans for Europeans.

And they are more advanced than the Fords and GM's sold in the US.

Face the facts - US cars are now shit. Once upon a time they were advanced (50,s early 60's). Then they were silly but cool (60's, 70's). Post oil crisis theyr just shit - inferior to European & japanese models, but without the redeeming fuck-you-ness of the chrome-barge or musclecar.

Simple if money is no objective (none / 0) (#56)
by Dexter Descarte on Mon Nov 5th, 2001 at 02:38:56 PM PST
Hey, I'm a big fan of old English roadsters and early nineties Jappanese sportscars, but let's get real here. For less than $30k you can get an American car with 325HP that pulls a sub 14 quarter mile! Good fucking luck finding anything of the sort in an import. Japan doesn't even make a sporty car for the US market with 300 ponies (with the possible exception of the Lexus SC430 which costs nearly 60k). My RX7 pulls a 14 flat in the quarter sure, but it cost nearly 40 grand new. That WRX is sweet (as is the no longer produced Evo VI and the not yet in America Evo VII), but it's gonna get dusted by a comprably priced Camaro or Mustang any day of the week. I'll trade a little handling for a lot of power any old day.

It's also interesting that of the two makes you list that produce a sub 30k car (Jag X-Type & BMW 325Ci), one is a Ford and the other produces all of 185HP (the Jag makes 240). Comparing Lotuses, Ferraris, and Lambos to Camaros and Mustangs isn't quite a fair comparison. Compare them to Vettes, Vipers, Panozes, and Shelbys and you're a bit more even although the American cars still generally cost much less.

Now if we're spending 50 grand on a car, I'll take a Z06 Corvette thanks. The only thing competitive with it, price and performance wise, is an M3 BMW and the beemer falls just short of the Z06 in every performance test (but on the plus side it has a back seat). And yes that includes the curves. The Vettes, Panozes, and Vipers rule sportscar racing at the moment and that's against far more expensive Porsches and BMWs.

For 100 large (more than my house costs) sure, I'm going with the prancing pony. But at this point who the hell cares about performance? All I know is if I spend that kind of lucre on a car it is going to be a Ferrari.

americars (none / 0) (#57)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Nov 6th, 2001 at 02:19:01 AM PST
i prefer my car to be able to corner

Right. (none / 0) (#58)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Nov 6th, 2001 at 02:47:01 AM PST
The American vehicle you're after is a Schwinn.

In addition to superior cornering ability, I think you'll find it has a degree of reliability orders of magnitude greater than any vehicle built by the British.

Sure, if you only need to go around three corners before your sorry pile of European bolts siezes up and won't budge, then by all means, Buy European. But if you actually want to make it to the post office and back without spending 500.USD.equivalent on repairs, then you're just going to have to suck it up and Buy American. Or second-hand Japanese.

eurotrash (none / 0) (#59)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Nov 6th, 2001 at 08:08:58 AM PST
Yea, you can corner half a second faster than me, but it doesn't mean shit if I get to the corner 5 seconds before you do. If all you want is handling, get a Miata.

Heh (none / 0) (#42)
by seventypercent on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 01:48:50 PM PST
..My IROC this, my Mustang that...

Nobody mentioned an IROC.

Uhhh, I'm gonna have to go home and jerk off in my own mouth thinking about the new Z28!!

Seems a bit unusual, but I'm hip to that "personal privacy" thing .. whatever wets your willy, my friend.

He's a hint, however cool you guys think these cars make you look, everyone else on the road considers you assholes.

This seems doubtful inasmuch as I very rarely drive the car. My main mode of transportation is an Oldsmobile Delta 98, which is not the sexiest-looking car ever assembled, but is quite comfortable and pleasant to get around in. Am I considered an "asshole" in that? I would guess that the majority of people that I work with don't even know I own a Cobra. It spends the vast majority of its time in the garage with a protective cover thrown over it .. as a matter of fact, this year has seen an increase of just over 3,000 miles on the odometer.

Of course, this kind of philosophy simply bewilders the rice-boy crowd, who spend upwards of 18 hours a day "cruising" aimlessly around town, trying to get as many people to notice the stickers they've placed on their cars to advertise non-existant performance upgrades and showing off the fake dual exhausts that they've bolted on to deal with the output from their monstrous inline four-bangers. That is as it may be; individuals such as myself and Mr. Descartes have neither the time nor the inclination to deal with the crazed members of a rice-boy cult that worship at the altar of "perceived performance." We'd rather have the real thing .. preferably without all of the stickers.

At any rate, when I am driving the car, if people that I encounter happen to think that I'm an "asshole" simply because I'm behind the wheel of something beefier and more expensive than whatever it is that they happen to be driving, then that's their problem .. not mine. I don't judge people (positively or negatively) on the basis of the cars that they drive .. if others feel the need to do so, I'm content letting them work their own issues out. (Having said that, I do reserve the right to laugh at people who believe that slapping a "HONDA RACING" sticker on their windshield will magically add 20 BHP to their car's maximum output.) ;-)

Any woman who'd go out with you just because you have a 'cool car' is obviously a whore.

Uhh ..


Yep, just as I thought .. women are not mentioned once in the above exchange between myself and Mr. Descartes. This silly, wistful, childish, and outrageously tangential tirade of yours is of your own making. It is your cross to bear, and yours alone.

I hope you enjoy your empty sexual trists commited in the woefully small backseat of whatever subpar 'sports car' you chose to drive.

You know, lots of people have been lobbying Ford to just scrap the back seats in the higher-end Mustangs, and I would be inclined to agree with them. They are next to useless. Move the front seats back and give a little more leg room, and maybe make the trunk a bit bigger. The leg room isn't all that bad (unless you're 7'0" or something like that), and you can fit a couple of sets of golf clubs in the trunk, but more room all around would be a welcome addition.

Red-blooded patriots do not use Linux.

ho ho ho (none / 0) (#47)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 06:16:09 PM PST
individuals such as myself and Mr. Descartes have neither the time nor the inclination to deal with the crazed members of a rice-boy cult that worship at the altar of "perceived performance." We'd rather have the real thing .. preferably without all of the stickers.

At any rate, when I am driving the car, if people that I encounter happen to think that I'm an "asshole" simply because I'm behind the wheel of something beefier and more expensive than whatever it is that they happen to be driving, then that's their problem .. not mine.

But what's the point of having all those 'ponies under the hood' if you never (legally) have the chance to take the thing over 65-75 mph anyway? The rice-boys are pretty annoying, but at least their driving normal cars with unremarkable power, no matter what they do to the outside. You have all this potential that you never get to use, it's wasteful. It's kinda like the suburban boomers who drive Hummers or Landcruisers to take the kids to soccer practice... They're never going to drive across the Gobi or Sahara, though I guess they could if they had to. You'll maybe rarely go over 70 mph, but you could go 100+ if you had to.

So what does this all mean? Well, the reason to have a fast car or big SUV is to give yourself an erection while driving, or to impress people, or both..

Hrm (5.00 / 1) (#48)
by seventypercent on Sat Nov 3rd, 2001 at 12:01:23 AM PST
But what's the point of having all those 'ponies under the hood' if you never (legally) have the chance to take the thing over 65-75 mph anyway?

Certainly you've heard of drag strips?

And then, of course, there's the prototypical Lonely Country Road, where nary a vehicle is to be seen a mile in either direction. These are great opportunities to lay into it a little bit.

However, I think your biggest misconception is "power = speed." This is true, but it's not the whole story. The more enjoyable aspect is "power = acceleration." A car with sufficient power can get you from a dead standstill to 60 MPH in short order, whereas when a riceboy "tromps on the gas", it may be well into the next presidential administration before the vehicle finally hits 60. (Stickers don't help, either.)

The sad thing is that in this time of war, our way of life is under attack .. and the riceboys are squarely allying themselves with the enemy. The American way of life is marked by excessiveness and consumerism, and these are qualities that are found in all performance car owners. The riceboys, on the other hand, are more interested in glitz in presentation with nothing to show for it. This is straight from the playbook of the Soviet Union and the Communist Chinese. On May Day, these butchers paraded their ICBMs up and down Red Square, but when it came time to actually pay the piper, their "empire" collapsed. I wonder .. do the stores that sell these morons all of their stickers also sell them American flags to wipe their asses with? It doesn't matter. The riceboys hate America, but as usual, the moral community will be there to bail them out.

Red-blooded patriots do not use Linux.

You're right (none / 0) (#49)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Nov 3rd, 2001 at 08:10:50 AM PST
In these trying times people like you and I need to stand tall, side-by-side in the face of all that is un-American. American muscle cars stand for all that is great about this land. The majesty and speed of wild stallions, the strength of the buffalo, and the enduring nobility of the savage races that once populated this landscape. Did Chairman Mao or Andropov ever build such fine autos? I think we all know the answer to that.
By argueing, the terrorist have already won. That's what they wanted. But I will deny them. I rescind my original statements, and in order to get the economy back where it was, I plan to go out and purchase one of these fine Mustang vehicles.

You need allies. (none / 0) (#51)
by elenchos on Sat Nov 3rd, 2001 at 12:15:13 PM PST
Obviously, car enthusiasts (real car enthusiasts who know a camshaft from a fuel injector) need to stick together to defend their rights to build whatever kind of car they want. But you should reach out to kindred spirits elsewhere as well.

Have you ever heard of "overclocking"? How about "Beowulf Clustering"? These are the nitrus injection and supercharging of the computer enthusiast (real computer enthusiasts who know a modem from a winmodem). And like you, they are beseiged by the forces of conformity that would take away their rights to "hack" whatever kind of computer they want. They have everything in common with car enthusiasts. You've often heard their "Lunix" operating system compared with a Formula One race car, no? It's true!

There are others, too, who can help you, and many "hackers" have already seen the common ground. Ever heard of "hand loading"? How about "full length guide rods"? Welcome to the proud tradition of handgun customization!

I know you must like where I'm going with this. A massive, monolithic SUPER coalition of customizers, modifiers, hackers, do-it-your-selfers and all manner of independent-minded men of real manlyness. You could call it... um, I don't know. The Elks Club? Budweiser? The GOP? You'll think of something.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

rule brittania (none / 0) (#39)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 08:59:05 AM PST
what do you think of the modern TVR's?

and have you seen the spec for the Bristol Fighter?

also note that now - for a high fee (c.30k) - several British companies are selling completely modernized and uprated MGB's - fitted with tuned rover V8's of 250 - 300hp.

Be careful with lowering the car! (none / 0) (#24)
by kwench on Wed Oct 31st, 2001 at 01:35:47 PM PST
Keep in mind that lowering your car too much to the ground might bear some subtle hazards that are not apparent at first:
- Driving over those speed-limiting harassments at McDonald's or Burger King's drive-in gives you some nasty sounds...
- You don't look very sportive when you try to park in very sportive and scratch your whole front spoiler...

(Not that the latter happened to me... I... uhm... kind of heard of it...)

MUNI (none / 0) (#25)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Oct 31st, 2001 at 03:35:45 PM PST
I get the joy of riding San Francisco's golden chariot, MUNI. You haven't lived until you've been in the middle of a drunken knife fight on the back of the #14 Mission at midnight. Or seem a bunch of Latino gangstas yank the power cords off a bus to stop it and then hop aboard to whale on people for the glory of La Raza!!

Well, gee... (none / 0) (#28)
by sdem on Wed Oct 31st, 2001 at 06:39:59 PM PST
Isn't that why people carry guns these days? I'm not usually one to give credence to ESR's aimless ramblings, but in this case, it actually does make sense.

No (none / 0) (#34)
by Right Hand Man on Thu Nov 1st, 2001 at 06:36:57 AM PST
CCW permits are so difficult to get in the Republic of California that the criminals are the only ones with guns.

It just serves as sad proof that disarming law abiding citizens leads to rampant crime and gangsterism commited against people who have been reduced to cowering in fear for their lives.

"Keep your bible open and your powder dry."

Adequacy Cruiser? (4.50 / 2) (#26)
by egg troll on Wed Oct 31st, 2001 at 03:43:45 PM PST
A bit off topic, but I think could be further glorified if it bought a PT Cruiser and painted it in the Adequacy colors. I believe history has shown this to be a genius marketting solution, and Adequacy will reap the benefits with a highly-successful IPO.

Posting for the love of the baby Jesus....

no way, count me out (none / 0) (#27)
by philipm on Wed Oct 31st, 2001 at 04:09:08 PM PST
I would never ever ever post in a story like this.
I demand that the author apologize, and that the users be allowed to moderate stories on the front page.
Shame on you adequacy!


Hey (none / 0) (#31)
by CLaW on Wed Oct 31st, 2001 at 07:35:07 PM PST
You obviously do not know the joys of installing a giant fin. You should bring your car in as soon as possible and get one of these attached!

Reading this reminds (5.00 / 5) (#29)
by Mint Waltman on Wed Oct 31st, 2001 at 07:10:26 PM PST of the time I added a spoiler to the top of the 12 person van I use to drive my youth group to Christian music festivals, old folks homes or Planned Parenthood protests. Some of the older children complained that the van made them feel like 'dorks' in front of their peers so I tried to spice it up a bit. I thought it looked great, but Pastor Arnold pointed out that it may be prideful, even un-Christian, to draw such attention to yourself, and gosh darn it if he wasn't right. It was a bit ostentatious, though the problem of what to do with it was effectively solved when I took it through the drive-thru at McDonalds to buy Shamrock Shakes for my youth group. There was a height limit of 9 feet and the spoiler was easily 9'6". Knocked it right off, and did $900 worth of damage to the facade too. You may think that's funny, but the money all came out of our budget for Bibles to distribute outside of public schools, mosques and temples so the thought of all those lost souls should wipe that smirk off your face.

Just as good then (none / 0) (#50)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Nov 3rd, 2001 at 10:19:08 AM PST
Why hand out bibles? Wouldn't some proper education or real help be better? Bibles are hard to eat and give you no job...

Just as the body (5.00 / 2) (#52)
by Mint Waltman on Sat Nov 3rd, 2001 at 02:27:36 PM PST
... requires food, so does the soul. Handing out Bibles feeds the souls of the wayward who stagger through this life, not seeing the light of His plan that awaits at the end of the tunnel. I do recognize the need for proper education, just like you. That's why we distribute Bibles outside public schools- in order to properly educate the children who attend in the ways of the Lord. Unfortunatly, liberals make a habit of persecuting Christians and work to keep God out of school.

Surely, my church and myself also work to sate the bodily appetites of the poor and homeless. But why bother in the first place if they follow a heretical Christian sect or are Jewish or Mohammedan? It'd be a poor investment strategy to feed the Hellbound. They must be saved first.

Hell? (1.00 / 1) (#55)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Nov 5th, 2001 at 07:01:38 AM PST
Oh gee, so you really believe your faith is the one True Faith? I think that if we start thinking about that issue we're all going to a lot of various hells. I'm personally apparently going to various hells such as :christian hells (a lot of sects there, including the protestantic/catolic sects), muslim hells, jewish hells, hindu hells, buddhist hells etc. I'm an atheist, so I'm probably doomed to eternal torture in my afterlife?

I think it's good to keep religion out of schools. Schools are for teching kids facts, not myths and other fiction.

Personally I get frustrated over the fact Christians so heavily want to force their belief onto others, and think of those that don't want to believe as being lesser beings. The same goes for all religions that actively spread themselves using "missionaries".

A religion is a personal thing. If someone wants to believe in something they go find a suitable sect of some suitable religion. Religions should keep to themselves, and not bother the rest of the world.

Religion == (opiate of masses) (none / 0) (#60)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Nov 8th, 2001 at 11:26:32 AM PST
Unfortunately you don't realize that you're just a zealot. If you'd think about it for a few minutes, you'd realize that religion is really just a big waste of time.
Religion is a crutch. That's all it is. It used to exist to explain things that weren't understood (ie: moons, sun, stars, weather, etc). Now there is no need to explain them with some nonsensical religious ramblings.
I don't understand how anyone with half a brain can't see through the foolishness of religion. Don't you realize that your precious Bible was just written by some guy? (or girl, or people)

Here's one last piece for you to chew on. What day is Christmas? Most people know that Christmas is December 25th. Do you know why? Of course you'll say 'because that is the day that Jesus Chris, our savior, was born'. However, that's not really true. The real reason they chose (and yes, they did indeed choose) December 25th was because that coincided with a pagan holiday at the time the Church was pushing their influence throughout Europe during the Dark Ages. Changing the name of the holiday doesn't matter much.

Keep in mind, kids (3.00 / 2) (#30)
by nx01 on Wed Oct 31st, 2001 at 07:21:18 PM PST
Wings belong on airplanes, and my pathetic Saturn wagon will go just as fast as your "pimped out" Civic.

"Every time I look at the X window system, it's so fucking stupid; and part of me feels responsible for the worst parts of it."
-- James Gosling

A couple more pointers to get you organized. (5.00 / 1) (#33)
by elenchos on Wed Oct 31st, 2001 at 11:42:54 PM PST
Nobody has infinite cash, so we can't go wasting it on useless crap. You need stuff that works; let the g**ks waste their money on widgets and doohickeys that do not a damn bit of good.

No matter what your budget is, you need to divide it up into three categories, as follows:
  • Stuff you can see. Graphics, aerodynamics, ground-effects, chrome, paint, lights -- you know what I mean. Just don't blow your whole wad on this one category, because the next one is just as important...
  • Stuff you can hear. First and foremost, the right exhaust. I don't even need to tell you how important that sound is. Hang it up if you can't swing that. Next, hi fi. One word: BOOM. You know what I mean. You don't? Well, go watch Star Trek then. After that, think about your horn. You want a tune that says who you are and what you stand for. La Cucaracha? Yeah, you know it. Dixie? Yeah, maybe if that's you. Fog horn? Sure, and you can wear your Deep Space Nine uniform too! Fuck. Anyway, sound is all about drama. Think of the stuff you can hear as foreground, and stuff you see as background. And what's the other category? Oh, yeah...
  • Stuff you can neither see nor hear. Like what? "Performance" chips. Sure, like if they run Lunix even? Right. What else? Headers. Boring, stroking, valve grinding, racing cams, 12 zillion CFM carbs. Get the idea? What most of this crap has in common is that it lives under the hood, where no one can see it. A few things will make your car sound a little different, but you can get the same effect with a muffler. Turbos? Well, you can put a scoop on your car without ever opening your hood. The rest of the thing is all buried down in the motor, where it does you no good whatsoever. Don't even look at the prices on this kind of stuff, either. It will blow your budget and the only way anyone will know you have it is if they carry around a radar gun or stopwatch. Who might that be? The cops, for one, and the dork in the Babylon-5 t-shirt with car grease under his nails, for another. Why you want something from one of them, I do not know.
So I think you should have a clear idea of the budget picture here. Half on visual, half on audio. But be careful with your hard-earned cash. Once you get into the car world, you'll see ads for all kinds of stuff that doesn't do dick. And whoo! Expensive? Yes, yes, expenive! One simple rule is that outside of your exhaust and wheels, anything you buy for this car should be able to be put on without you ever having to touch your knees to the ground. You aren't the one who is going be on his knees, am I right? Oh yes, you know I'm right!

Got it? Go get 'em. Tiger.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

One other category: (none / 0) (#44)
by RobotSlave on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 04:25:44 PM PST
  • Stuff you can touch. Be sure to salt away a little extra for this overlooked but important category. Fine leather appointments, ropey steering-wheel covers, exotic new knobs and pedals, perhaps a tasteful bit of sheepskin, and the occasional services of Asian Dream Escort.
Remember, you're not going to go fast until you feel fast. Try something a little lacier than usual under your Phat Pharm and Fubu-- No one else will know, but boy, will you ever feel that performance boost! Whoo! Lacy Racy!

© 2002, RobotSlave. You may not reproduce this material, in whole or in part, without written permission of the owner.

Why does everyone keep bringing up 'fast'? (none / 0) (#45)
by elenchos on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 04:49:11 PM PST
You'll just get a ticket that way, and if you are going to race on a track then we're talking about a whole other kind of car. When you say leather feels good, I can understand that, at least. Neon lights look good. Phat pipes sound good. And they work great. But "looks fast"? Or "feels fast"? What the hell does that mean? And what purpose is served by this whole "fast" business? Because you want to have your license taken away? I mean, just how fast do you need to go in the mall parking lot at 10pm on Saturday night? Usually there's so many people walking around (i.e. checking out your ride, slick) that you can barely go 5mph.

And "Asian Dream Escort"? What is that all about? If you are paying for escorts, who the hell cares what kind of car you have? They're getting paid! They don't care even if you drive some old green and yellow VW Bus or something.

This all reminds me of when I ask a Lunix nut why he is building an 8-node Beowulf Cluster in their basement. Instead of telling me a rational reason why, the whole conversation just turns surreal and I'm sorry I even asked.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

My apologies: I meant "fast" as in &quo (none / 0) (#46)
by RobotSlave on Fri Nov 2nd, 2001 at 05:16:38 PM PST
You know, open minded, uninhibited, loose, potent; explosively sexual.

The occasional escort may be needed at first to occupy the passenger seat, to show everyone exactly what sort of preposterously attractive person you and your new vehicle deserve. If the escort is seen touching you and being touched, then surely any potential spouse in the vicinity will realize that you've got that special something. Asian Dream will prime the pump for you, so to speak-- before long, you will be far too busy to call, let alone make an appointment through, any escort service.

After all, nothing succeeds like success.

And a key component of success is turning the cabin of your vehicle into a tactile Xanadu, a veritable pleasure-dome of shapes and materials.

© 2002, RobotSlave. You may not reproduce this material, in whole or in part, without written permission of the owner.


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