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 Caytie, My Porsch? Cayenne

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Sep 06, 2002
Like other members of the Porsché Club of America, I too know the value of the finer things in life, "good friends and good conversation", whether it's chatting with my friends on my cellphone in traffic or discussing office politics with my friends at our kids' little league games. But whereas some have been PCA members since the mid-1950s and have known the pleasure of owning dozens of vehicles over their lives, I only recently joined in anticipation of the delivery of my first Porsché.

After years of selling myself short, I finally purchased a Porsché: a spicy pre-ordered 2003 Porsché Cayenne Turbo.


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To be frank, I always considered Porsché owners a sorry pretentious lot who invested far too much emotional capital into their cars. But now I look back on those thoughts and smile as only a true Porsché aficionado can smile, smitten with the love that only a true Porsché aficionado can feel.

The Cayenne is a true Porsché thoroughbred. With the Turbo model's 450 horsepower naturally aspirated V-8 engine which gets this baby from zero to sixty in 5.5 seconds flat, I finally know the thrill Porsché fans have been raving about all these years. The automanual transmission gives me peace of mind, because I know I can always take control and avoid dangers like fallen powerlines and sudden blizzards, while letting it shift for me like an ordinary automatic the rest of the time so I'm free to concentrate on more pressing concerns and also get the better mileage that comes with automatics. What's more, even though I have a history of wearing out clutches, the Porsché dealer assured me no one can wear out one of these automanual kinds.

Whenever I'm asked why I'm buying a Cayenne (and I encourage people to ask), I have a simple answer: handling. Sure, I like driving -- otherwise why would I buy a Porsché? And nothing spoils a good drive like feeling every bump in the road transmitted up through the seat and into my buttocks. Rest assured, Porsché outdid itself in engineering the smoothest ride on the market, thanks in no small part to their abandoning antiquated air-cooled and rear engined designs, which are infamous for producing oversteer and poor handling.

With the certain success of Porsché's Cayenne model, it surely won't be long before they incorporate some of the features that make it so successful into their Carrera line. The Carrera may look sexy, but have you ever tried to carry groceries or your 2 children around in it? Just imagine how much easier it'd be with four doors instead of two! And though I consider my Cayenne perfect, I wouldn't be above incorporating more features from the Carrera line like one of those sexy spoilers that make them go so fast. (I could mention the Boxsters, but since they cost only half what my Cayenne does, it's a stretch to properly call them Porschés.)

Though I don't yet own my Cayenne, I've already named her "Caytie" and ordered vanity plates bearing her name. It's part of my philosophy of treating my new car well from the start so she'll last longer than the three year lease term I'm accustomed to. In addition to prudent driving like throwing it into drive as soon as it's started up so as to get its vital fluids flowing as soon as possible, this name lets my Cayenne know she is a valued member of my family.

So when you see me out on the road tooling around in my new Porsché Cayenne, hide your jealousy, extend your arm, and wave. If I see you, I'll be sure to wave back.

And if not, I'll be seeing you at the next Porsché Club of America meeting, friend.


Joke (5.00 / 2) (#5)
by doofus on Fri Sep 6th, 2002 at 02:53:57 PM PST
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?

With a Porsche, the prick is on the inside.

Joak (none / 0) (#18)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Sep 7th, 2002 at 12:42:26 PM PST
A mouse is driving along in his Porsche, when he hears a vioce calling for help. He stops the car to investigate, and sees a horse trapped at the bottom of a ravine by the side of the road.

"Help!" Says the horse, "I can't climb out, the sides of this ravine are too steep!"

"Don't worry", replies the mouse, "I've got a rope in my car. I'll tie one end to the bumper of my Porsche and toss the other end to you. Grab hold of it with your teeth, and with me towing you, you should be able to climb out!"

The mouse's plan works, and the horse is freed. The horse promises to help the mouse if he ever needs it.

Some time later, the horse is walking along, when he hears a voice calling for help. It's his old pal, the mouse! He's fallen into a well!

"Don't worry", the horse calls to the mouse, "My penis is quite long. I'll lower it into the well, and you can climb up it and scamper out!"

The horse's plan works, and the mouse is freed. The horse is happy that he was able to return the favor the mouse once did for him.

And the moral of the story is: if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Porsche.

Almost. (none / 0) (#20)
by because it isnt on Sat Sep 7th, 2002 at 05:21:02 PM PST
The punchline is "If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks". -- because it isn't

bad style (none / 0) (#27)
by nathan on Tue Sep 10th, 2002 at 09:25:39 AM PST
Periods outside of quote marks, please.

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Personally, I'd have both (none / 0) (#28)
by because it isnt on Tue Sep 10th, 2002 at 12:51:39 PM PST
a full stop inside the quote marks, because I'm quoting a sentence, and one outside the quote marks, to end the unquoted sentence. Still, whatever my original text looked like, it now has a single full stop outside the quote marks. This makes you seem either omnipotent or dumb, depending on how you look at it. -- because it isn't

hurm (none / 0) (#29)
by nathan on Tue Sep 10th, 2002 at 04:20:14 PM PST
omnipotent [and] dumb

What do I look like, the God of Liberalism?

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Bloody héll! (none / 0) (#6)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Sep 6th, 2002 at 03:10:05 PM PST
I lové your Porsché. I wish I had oné.

It's not pretty (4.00 / 1) (#7)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Sep 6th, 2002 at 04:47:18 PM PST
...I think you're missing the point here, I mean look at the front end on this vehicle. Am I the only one who finds it unattractive? Sure it's a Porsche, and I'm quite a fan of Porsches, but this design is a travesty of everything the Porsche marque represents! You want a quick SUV? Go the BMW X5 4.6i, it looks better, goes just as quick and it will draw less disgusted looks from passers by.

Quick SUV (none / 0) (#10)
by Graham Thomas on Sat Sep 7th, 2002 at 01:11:37 AM PST
I recently bought a Mercedes-Benz ML500. The comfort level is high, and the styling is a lot better than anything in the X5 line. My only complaint is the cruise control stalk, it's difficult to set while driving at first, because it's so close to the turning signal control, but once I got used to it it was not a problem any longer.

The engine is relatively quiet and the interior is very comfortable. Apparently it can do 0-60 in 7.2 seconds or some such, but that is really a secondary concern for me, towing (hauling), luxury-styling and AWD performance were far more important factors in my mind when selecting the vehicle.

Even when towing 3 thoroughbreds, the SUV doesn't complain in the slightest. As for normal usage, the ride is always smooth, responsive, yet well balanced.

No way will that tow three thoroughbreds... (5.00 / 1) (#11)
by gordonjcp on Sat Sep 7th, 2002 at 01:42:20 AM PST
(note: I'm assuming you mean thoroughbred horses here, if not I've no idea what you mean)

That's almost 2.5 tons right there, before you consider the kerb weight of the trailer (probably another couple of tons, unless you've got them squeezed in like sardines).

If you've got to move that many horses, buy a 7.5 ton truck with a horsebox, and have some space left over for feed and water. Then get yourself a nice classic sportscar with the money you save. In fact, you've probably got enough left over to get a 911 anyway, after that.

Numbers (none / 0) (#13)
by Graham Thomas on Sat Sep 7th, 2002 at 02:26:13 AM PST
2.5 tons ? That's 833 kg per horse. Unless they're either obese, or they have some draft-horse blood in them, then with all due respect, you are mistaken. As far as the trailer itself, the unladen weight, a "few tons" ? are you serious? I'm sorry, your numbers just don't add up.

The official towing capacity for the ML500 is 5,000 lbs, but I can vouch for the fact that it can do more.

Metric, British Imperial or USA Imperial tons?[nt] (none / 0) (#14)
by because it isnt on Sat Sep 7th, 2002 at 02:51:36 AM PST -- because it isn't

Metric... so it should have been "tonnes" (none / 0) (#15)
by gordonjcp on Sat Sep 7th, 2002 at 04:35:07 AM PST
Sorry about that. Anyway, either you have tiny skinny thoroughbreds, or you call something else thoroughbreds in the US. Mine are both about 18hh - 18hh2 and 700kg or so. Erm, they are a little fat I suppose, but not grossly so. They (like me) have summered rather well. They're not nearly as bad as the Highland ponies.

Good Heavens. (none / 0) (#19)
by Graham Thomas on Sat Sep 7th, 2002 at 12:58:52 PM PST
Mine are both about 18hh - 18hh2 and 700kg or so

Those are extremely big horses. I've seen only a few thoroughbreds over 17hh. 700kg isn't unreasonable for such huge horses as you have, but you should have specified that they were rather larger than normal. My thoroughbreds are all between 15.2hh and 16.1hh. The biggest horse I have, (not a thoroughbred, though) is a Percheron mare, and she is 16.3hh.

I knew a guy that builds those. (none / 0) (#16)
by First Incision on Sat Sep 7th, 2002 at 10:37:55 AM PST
The M-series plant is less than an hour away from me.

This guy went through 4 years of college majoring in sculpting. Then he got an assembly line job. He never had any illusions about making a career as a sculptor. So now he builds cars by day, and sculpts at night.

There's a moral somewhere in this story, but I'm not sure what it is.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

Is it (none / 0) (#17)
by because it isnt on Sat Sep 7th, 2002 at 11:16:27 AM PST
the battle between Fordian conformity and artistic identity? -- because it isn't

They should turbo charge it! (none / 0) (#8)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Sep 6th, 2002 at 05:51:42 PM PST
Wow, if it makes 450 hp and its naturaly aspirated imagine if they put a turbo on that car! I can't wait for the TURBO TURBO version of that model! *DROOOOOL* I guess for now I'll just have to settle for my Hummer. Gota run, I have to go to court for accidently running over a crowd of school children while I was eating a cheese burger and talking on my cell phone.

Turbo charged naturally aspirated.... (none / 0) (#21)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Sep 7th, 2002 at 06:45:07 PM PST
it says thaqt the car is both turbo charged and naturally aspirated.

I think I'll wait (5.00 / 1) (#9)
by jvance on Fri Sep 6th, 2002 at 08:55:23 PM PST
for the Volkswagen model. And then not buy that too.
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

You kiddin'? (none / 0) (#12)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Sep 7th, 2002 at 02:19:14 AM PST
...this thing could be the next 914!

This is the "soft porn" of the automotiv (none / 0) (#22)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Sep 7th, 2002 at 09:04:12 PM PST
There's an old saying, nobody likes soft porn. The porn-lovers hate it because its not hard enough. The porn-haters hate it because its porn.

This porsche is a triumph of the wanker-filled marketing department. You can just imagine the scene:

Marketing guy #1: "Americans are too fat to fit into 911s"
Marketing guy #2: "Americans sure love their SUVs"
etc etc etc.

The cayenne is the result. Its a shit off-roader, because it lacks clearance, and for all sorts of other reasons. Its a mediocre performer on-road because although it will catapult you to 60mph in under six seconds, it weighs close to two tonnes and has a high center of gravity.

This car is for people with more money than sense. Porsche should be ashamed. This is what happens to a great German company when the fucking American marketing morons are allowed a free reign. What bullshit.

Anyone seen the new Golf R32 ? Now that's a nice vehicle....

You just wasted a lot of money! (none / 0) (#23)
by Richard C Suquer on Sun Sep 8th, 2002 at 12:29:49 AM PST
When the US goes to war with Iraq, your fancy car isn't going to be worth the metal it's made out of. Yep, I'm talking about gasoline rationing. The whole middle east and russia are going to shut off oil supplies to the USA and we're all going to be screwed! Well, not all of us. I long ago invested in a hemp-fueled car. Big Oil and Big Auto hate this baby because it threatens their stranglehold on the world, but that makes me love it even more! While all you fossil-fueled dinosaurs are standing at the gas pump shaking your fist in the air, I'm going to be speeding by in my 100% clean running hemp-powered car.

Revolution from Below! GPL the Constitution!

Speeding? (5.00 / 1) (#24)
by William Franklin Rothman on Sun Sep 8th, 2002 at 02:03:49 AM PST
Cheech, I can run faster than 5 miles per hour, and over longer distances than your hemp cart. I probably get more miles to the bushel as well.

It's not a porsche... (none / 0) (#25)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Sep 8th, 2002 at 12:18:07 PM PST
... it's an SUV, probably designed for the school run and for young/middle aged housewife who wants something that looks expensive and chich. Yet another piece of crap produced (in main) for the american market. Where else would you have the guts to buy one of these pieces of crap? It's mean't to be an off roader thats a sport vehicle, and oxymoron if i ever heard one. If you want an offroader to make you look like one of the big boys, get a proper one such as a Land Rover (The new Range Rover is cheaper, better looking, has better equipment levels, better off road, and is probably quicker) or a Jeep (not in the same league as the landy, but still a nice piece of kit. Sorry, i'm a brit and very pround of it. and don't tell me Land Rover is owned by ford, i know.). If you want a utility vehicle, get an MPV, or an estate car. And if you want a sport vehicle, get something that doesn't have the ground clearance to go over most kerbs. So please spare us this cheap, made-for-america-piece-of-shit advertising, load of bollocks. Thankyou for your attention.

A Rangie... Quicker??? (none / 0) (#26)
by Martz on Tue Sep 10th, 2002 at 12:13:31 AM PST
Now I know the Cayenne isn't exactly super-model material, but it certainly wouldn't come off second best to a Range Rover in performance stakes. No way in hell. Besides, off-roading is clearly not what this vehicle is designed for. It's a soccer-mum-mobile if ever I saw one. Get the kids in the back, and step on it.
And another thing you are failing to see is that this vehicle is not "made-for-America", it's sold world-wide. It was designed and built for a global market.


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