It's almost comical, but in the movies, poker always looks like a fast and intense game. That's because movie characters play for millions of dollars, in sensuously lit clubrooms, surrounded by beautiful women, and each player is capable of seeing exactly when another's pupil dilates. Despite being a member of the intellectual elite, I don't play for millions and beautiful women don't attend my poker games. And the fact is, even if I could tell that someone's nostrils were flaring wide, I wouldn't know what to make of it. Even so, I would like to propose that there were forces at work that went far beyond mere lack of skill.

The topic for discussion today is how it is possible to lose so much money so incredibly fast. While I think the ability to lose money quickly against all odds is quite valuable in the right situation, I'd rather it were someone else on the poker table who had it. So here are my proposed causes:

• This was an evil night. Mercury is rising and Venus is leaving Sagittarius, and the fact that I'm a second-generation Scorpio conspired with the alignment of Saturn's rings and the rings around elenchos' eyes.
• My life is a movie. As soon as I'm done writing, a well-built goon will show up at my door with a large shotgun and demand payment, threatening to cut off my hands and deliver it to adequacy.org should I not comply.
• The laws of probability are aligned against me. Everyone knows that a straight flush is the hand that is most likely to win, but it never won anything for me because I never got one! If the laws of probability had held properly, I would have gotten several straight royal flushes, and one of them would have won. I blame the editors for [bracketing] the flushes out of my hands.
• There is no reason that an intelligent person should ever play poker. Poker is a game for those with an empty inner life, who find fulfillment in throwing colorful chips across a felt table. The money disappeared into the pockets of the rabble around the table because they sensed my intelligence and refinement, and decided to conspire against me in the most base communist fashion.

After much internal deliberation, I have decided that the last reason is the most likely. I shall never be caught feeding the masses around a poker table again.

Any comments, dear adequates?