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Favorite Baby Seal Skin Item
Shoes 33%
Purses 0%
Wallets 11%
Car Seat Covers (halted due to enviromental regulation) 33%
House wrap (comming after factory construction) 22%

Votes: 9

 Baby Seal Skinning Factories: Has Their Time Come?

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Jan 10, 2002
I write this essay on behalf of my self, and like minded individuals.  In this essay, I hope to give you the truth of baby seal skinning factories, one which is not tainted with the vile excrement spewed forth by my rivals, the so called "environmentalists".  Not only that, but I will tell you why we need more of our growing corporations to invest in offshore skinning factories, often located in costal rain forests in south America, or in Africa, Somalia, or East India.

[editor's note, by em] The untrained, unseasoned eye of the common rabble-- NONE of whom are the CEOs of major Multi-National conglomerate Corporations with assets in the Billions of Dollars-- cannot recognize the rarefied specialist diction of the truly elite. While we do not blame our readers (very much) for their inability to appreciate the subtle art of refined and superior Internationalist grammar, we would ask that they not speak of it, lest they make themselves look even more like the half-educated tradesmen and web-monkey laborers that we know them to be.


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Review: Gran Turismo 3

Before I continue my essay, in the interest of full disclosure, my company is attempting to establish a new skinning factory located in Cambodia.  As you can imagine, the fussy, communist environmentalists are once again dragging another hard working CEO out of the office chair and into the courtroom.

Unlike other baby seal skinning factories, our baby seals will be harvested from the costal regions of Africa, and flown still live to the skinning factory where they will be skinned alive.  Their skin will be used to make many important upper class women's accessories such as purses, shoes, and wallets.  Because we only skin our seals live, we can sell the meat.  Our consumer research has shown that Americans prefer non bile tainted seal meat in their tuna.  Not only that, but the bile has proven to cause cancer in chimpanzees.  All other parts of the young animal will be discarded, and burnt in an open pit.

Our architects have designed our factory with cost saving measure in mind.  For example, due to the extraordinarily low cost of labor in Cambodia, we will not need machines to carry around the carcasses.  We will line up the workers, and in a bucket brigade style, our employees will hand off the seal to the next station.  When you take in to consideration that if we used a mechanical assembly line, we would have to pay well over $1,000,000 plus annual maintenance.  With the going rate of labor, we can implement our human assembly line for a measly sum of $10 a day!  Over the lifetime of the plant, the savings to add up to billions.  Our research has also shown due to the low fat, low water diets of many lower income Africans eat, they there fore to not defecate or urinate as much.  This will result in huge financial savings as they only need to use our restrooms once, perhaps twice a day.

As you can imagine, a baby seal skinning factory produces a lot of liquid waste.  When the seals are cut open, their hearts still beat their blood from their bodies.  This blood, mixed with the beasts urine, and fecal mater is drained onto the floor where gravity feeds it into small ruts dug on the sides of the factory. Due to cost reasons, rather than implement a full sewage system for the village, we have decided to drain this waste into the existing sewage rut carved by the citizens some months ago.

But enough about them, let me tell your the benefits that will be gained here, on our soil.  As I have mentioned previously, baby seal skin is used to create shoes, purses and wallets for the wealthy.  The average consumer cost of any of these devices can range in the mid thousands.  But it does not have to be that way.  Thanks to these communists, companies, such as the one for which I am the CEO of, cannot fill the growing demand for baby seal skin.  Our research has shown that if we can bring the price of baby seal skin down to the tens of dollars instead of thousands, thanks to a thousand fold increase in demand, we can grow our revenue base over %100!  Getting the price of baby seal skin down is easy, loosed environmental, and trade regulations so that I can build my factory!  The only thing that keeps baby seal skin purses, wallets, shoes, and perhaps even such items as house wrap, and car seat covers out of your, Joe Sixpack's hand, is the oppressive environmentalists.

So please, call your local representative and tell them to tell the environmentalists to back off.  Tell your representative that you want, no demand a low cost supply of baby seal skin.

Dr. Martin Cortez, PhD


What Sort... (none / 0) (#6)
by doofus on Thu Jan 10th, 2002 at 03:25:39 PM PST
What sort of supposed North American would cozy up to Communists no matter how noble the cause?

Make no mistake, my Adequate friend, you are supporting a Godless, freedom-hating, exploitative regime by even contemplating building a business there. My God man, where do you think the numerous "gifts" and "college scholarships" that you've been asked to provide go? Certainly not into the employee-base whose standard of living you are hoping to raise. Unfortunately, that money is going to local Party officials who then give a cut to the Central Party as well.

My God, man! Wake up! You need to get out of Cambodia now! Myanmar is a far better place for someone as right thinking and industrious as you are!

Sir, (none / 0) (#20)
by Martino Cortez PhD on Sat Jan 12th, 2002 at 12:56:15 PM PST
You mistake my desires. If I attempt to raise the standard of living for my employees, two problems will arise: 1) Cost 2) I will be accused of destroying the native culture by freedom hating liberals.

As far as calling these countries comminist - well that my friend is a laugh. Such locations are not freedom hating, godless areas that you make them out to be, they are simply a government waiting to sell out to the highest bidder. Places such as these do not hate freedom, god, or capitalism if you pay them off enough. And trust me, soon I will be the local regime.

Dr Martino Cortez, PhD
CEO - Martin-Cortez Financial Corporation
Copyright 2002, Martino Cortez.

You are sick....... (none / 0) (#7)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jan 10th, 2002 at 04:15:33 PM PST
You people are such hypocrits. You preach and preach and preach about God and yet you slaugher animals like... baby seals? Skinning them alive no less? If there is one, you'll be damned to eternal suffering in the fires of hell.

what's your problem? (none / 0) (#8)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jan 10th, 2002 at 04:25:13 PM PST
As soon papa and mama seal realize the babies are missing, they'll make more. And for your information, G*d gives us dominion over lower life forms. And hackers.

I'm not saying 'Kill Christians', but... (3.33 / 3) (#11)
by elenchos on Thu Jan 10th, 2002 at 04:58:12 PM PST is useful to know that if mama and papa Christian also will make more if you, you know, toss a few to the lions or whatever. Not that you should. But it would be funny, eh?

I also want to note that God gives dominion over your wife and children as well, which naturally leads us to conclude that they may be skinned alive at your convenience, I suppose. Mmmm... wait, no I don't mean that.

Let me check the Bible again to see what it says I should do. Hold on...

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

You are correct! (none / 0) (#13)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jan 10th, 2002 at 05:42:53 PM PST
But the market for skinned wives is much too miniscule to defray the costs of doing any business in it, and the demand for teenagers, with or without skin, does not exist at all.

I forgot to add: (none / 0) (#14)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jan 10th, 2002 at 05:53:10 PM PST
teenagers is a rediculous liberal myth. The existence of young people living a life free of obligations and responsibilities is preposterous. If they existed, we would kill them for lampshades. The facts of the world are different. As soon as young people reach puberty, they can be married off for handsome profits. Those young people will then beget their own retirement plans in their turn.

May god get rid of you! (none / 0) (#27)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Jan 13th, 2002 at 11:51:46 AM PST
If the bile really causes cancer, USE IT!!!
That will teach you fucking twats!

Hang on a second... (none / 0) (#9)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jan 10th, 2002 at 04:50:30 PM PST
Why would you worry about Africans urinating and defacating in the restrooms of your Cambodian factory?

globalization [N/T] (5.00 / 1) (#10)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jan 10th, 2002 at 04:54:51 PM PST

Dear Sir, (none / 0) (#18)
by Martino Cortez PhD on Fri Jan 11th, 2002 at 10:10:29 PM PST
What you fail to realise is that it does not matter. The restrooms in my proposed Cambodian factory would operate much like the blood-drainage canals in the factory floor. Our team of highly paid engineers has devised a way to dig ditches in a manner that all fecal and urine will flow to the factory drainage ditch.

Dr Martino Cortez, PhD
CEO - Martin-Cortez Financial Corporation
Copyright 2002, Martino Cortez.

Not impressed (none / 0) (#15)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jan 10th, 2002 at 05:53:24 PM PST
I come from a long line of seal clubbers. It is this type of fly by night enterprise that leaves nothing for honest hard working types like us but whaling. There is no honour in whaling, you shoot the thing with a freaking grenade tipped harpoon for crying out loud. Where is the skill in that. Seal clubbing is an art, if a baby seal squirms and you don't re-adjust your aim in time you can miss and hit its neck, If you break its neck then it thrashes around like a headless chicken. It was a sad incident like this that lost me my father. You should be ashamed, I doubt that the workers in your fancy "factory" will appreciate the simple pleasure of a days clubbing. I hope you are happy, you are destroying a way of life that has continued unchanged for centuries.

environmentalists back off? (none / 0) (#16)
by philipm on Thu Jan 10th, 2002 at 06:24:11 PM PST
Oh please. They are not going anywhere near you after the incident at the spam factory where 3 environmentalist do-gooders suspiciously went "missing". I think you secretly want the environmentalists to get involved so you will have an excuse to fail.

Martino, sir. THIS is capitalism. If you can't handle the heat then get out of the kitchen.


Dear Mr Cortez Sir, (none / 0) (#17)
by gcsb on Fri Jan 11th, 2002 at 07:53:29 PM PST
I wish you all the best in your new venture, however I do have one small suggestion. Would it not be wiser to pipe the waste by-products from your factory into the local river thereby providing much needed nutrients to the local river life?
I am sure the environmentalists will be very pleased with such a compromise as this. I'm sure your enthusiastic employees would be more than happy to chip in for this.

Best Regards,

Sig is under not panic.

Dear Sir, (none / 0) (#19)
by Martino Cortez PhD on Fri Jan 11th, 2002 at 10:14:30 PM PST
While this may sound like a good idea on the surface, as with all long haired so-called "environmentalists" such as your self, the hidden implications will be enourmous.

By installing a proper sewage system in my factory, it would encourage freeloading. Imagine, a whole village coming to my factory to use the restroom! Why, people would bring buckets of their discusting fecal laced waste to dump in our sewers. You can imagine the huge cost involed if we install a sewage system.

Besides, without the open sewers, we would not have such a large fly & mosquito population. Surely you can see the problem we would then have with the so-called "animal rights activists".

Dr Martino Cortez, PhD
CEO - Martin-Cortez Financial Corporation
Copyright 2002, Martino Cortez.

A small correction if I may Sir, (none / 0) (#22)
by gcsb on Sat Jan 12th, 2002 at 07:44:39 PM PST
I do not have long hair.

Best Regards,

Sig is under not panic.

baby seal (none / 0) (#32)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Aug 6th, 2002 at 01:34:34 PM PST
i think you are horrible fo reven thinking of a thing like that it's awfull an dwe should skin your babies alive!!!!

so..... (none / 0) (#21)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Jan 12th, 2002 at 04:20:58 PM PST
this baby seal walks into a club.

and....? (none / 0) (#23)
by gcsb on Sat Jan 12th, 2002 at 07:59:50 PM PST
Kind Sir,

I beg of you to continue your compelling story. It sounds as though it would be a very enlightening tale indeed.

You see, at the present time, my other computer is down due to a malfunctioning network interface routing adapter. Therefore I am unable to route my VLAN VPN SSH traffic via the GRE HTTPD tunnel.

As you can plainly see, this leaves unable to continue my current research. Therefore I am forced to 'surf' the Internet in the hopes of finding interesting things to read in an effort to pass the time.

I thank you in advance for your cooperation in this matter.

Best regards,

Sig is under not panic.

One question: (none / 0) (#24)
by tkatchev on Sun Jan 13th, 2002 at 12:23:04 AM PST
What does "GRE" stand for?

By the way, how are able to access adequacy from your VPN if the httpd tunnel is down?

Do you have some sort of world-accessible machine dedicated to the sole purpose of receational web-surfing?

Peace and much love...

That was three questions actually my good man, (none / 0) (#29)
by gcsb on Sun Jan 13th, 2002 at 08:49:23 PM PST
However, GRE stands for Generic Route Encapsulation which is used for IP-Token passing via AOL.

As for my collection of machines, I was surfing (as I do) from a different machine than my research one.

I hope this answers your questions.

Best Regards,

Sig is under not panic.

Blood contains valuable protein. (none / 0) (#25)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Jan 13th, 2002 at 03:31:09 AM PST
Wouldn't it make more sense to drain the undesirable fecal matter, and turn the blood into bloodwurst or something? All blood is pretty mush the same, so this will be as god as anything else.

The rest of the animal could be used for animal feed, but a much better solution would be to hire a RP company to promote it as an alternative exclusive meat. I would expect it to have a very tender flavor, and be suitable for all recipes that normally use veal.

a modest proposal (none / 0) (#26)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Jan 13th, 2002 at 11:40:51 AM PST
While you're at it, let's start pickling some babies... in gin, mayhaps?

Animal Liberationists/Environmentalists (none / 0) (#28)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Jan 13th, 2002 at 08:39:47 PM PST
I am not religious or a pro-lifer but I would like to ask the following question.

Is it possible to be an animal liberationist and pro-choice? I would imagine these positions would be mutually exclusive if they were held on moral grounds (ie. that killing is wrong).

Animal Liberationists/Environmentalists (none / 0) (#30)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jan 17th, 2002 at 08:19:44 AM PST
Is it possible to be an animal liberationist and pro-choice? I would imagine these positions would be mutually exclusive if they were held on moral grounds (ie. that killing is wrong).

No-one seriously contends that all killing is wrong: worms, insects, plants, bacteria, viruses are all routinely killed by human beings in huge numbers every day, often for no better reason than that they were "in the way".

So, it's all a matter of where you draw the line, and how wiggly it is: both human embryo OK, adult cow not OK, and vice-versa seem consistent positions. Personally, I draw the line at mammals old enough to have opened their eyes.

proto-veal? (none / 0) (#31)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Jan 20th, 2002 at 12:41:11 PM PST
So embyonic cows would be perfectly OK to eat, right?


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