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Best way to celebrate July 4th
Beer 9%
Red Meat 9%
A Half Stick of Dynamite and a Length of Det-Cord 14%
An Arab, a Rope and a Tall Tree 19%
All of the Above 46%

Votes: 41

 Boom City, USA

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Jul 01, 2002
July 4th, 2002 should be a truly grand occasion. Not only does it mark the 1 year anniversary of, but it also marks the 226th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

Unfortunately the government of this once great nation and the doomsaying eunuchs of mainstream media have combined to threaten the rights of Americans to celebrate their Americanism in the American Way.


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Ever since we fucked up and started letting women vote, only pussies have been able to get elected. As a result, instead of distributing our Taleban prisoners to honest, hard-working American taxpayers for use as pinatas, we keep them lolling in levantine luxury at Gitmo.

Worse yet, in many areas Americans are no longer permitted to celebrate their independence by setting off fireworks. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms prohibits fireworks cool enough to classified as dangerous explosives. What the hell? If it wasn't for large amounts of alcohol, tobacco and firearms, we'd still be British! Worse yet, many municipalities go even further and ban all fireworks except for "safe and sane" ones (smoke bombs, sparklers and small fountains).

Now everyone who has been toilet trained and weaned (which excludes most politicians and members of the media) knows that safe and sane is synonymous with boring. Which is more fun, safe sex or unsafe sex? Would you rather attend a sane party or an insane one? Clearly the only fireworks worth having are unsafe, insane and just plain cool ones.

Fortunately for us, the first Americans have not forgotten the importance of tradition. Nor have they been emasculated by a culture that glorifies Soccer Moms, Meg Ryan, men who shave their torsos and other agents of evil. Despite years of oppression and poverty, the Native American man is still a man at heart. Also the reservations are not subject to state and local fireworks laws.

We may have stolen their land and given them smallpox, but the Native Americans have put that aside to give us Boom City.

Boom City is located an hour north of Seattle on the Tualip Indian reservation. It covers an area about the size of a city block and hosts 178 firework stands. Cherry bombs, rockets, artillery, m-80s and more are available at dirt cheap prices. If you've got a little more money and you don't look like a cop you can get highly explosive items like m-1000s, tennis and golf ball bombs and anything else someone is crazy enough to cook up in their basement. Boom City is a carnival of pyrotechnics.

Approaching Boom City is deeply surreal. It starts with a simple eight by four plywood sheet with an arrow and the words "Boom City" in barely legible spray paint. Four a half mile after this, occasional small stencilled signs for individual booths dot the roadside. The next half mile looks like an election is around the corner with every yard sporting the signs of a single stand and the roadside signs become larger and more complex. The last mile is a forest of signs as each of the 178 vendors attempt to drown out the others with a deluge of signs.

When you get to the parking lot of Boom City, either your heart is pounding and you're hearing a celestial chorus chant "USA! USA! USA!" or you're a damned dirty commie and should be ashamed of yourself.

When you leave Boom City with your dozens of artillery shells, hundreds of rockets and pounds of roman candles, it is considered good form to execute a double backflip in the parking lot. After all you've just aquired an entire arsenal for under a hundred dollars (if you're a shrewd bargainer), helped a pregnant Native American woman pay the rent (the booths are almost exclusively staffed by pregnant women) and given a metaphorical middle finger to the pencil pushing pencil-dicks that run King County. Hell do 3 backflips. You're a man. You've got explosives. You're fucking entitled.


Congratulations (none / 0) (#2)
by John Wainright on Tue Jul 2nd, 2002 at 02:03:31 AM PST
Congratulations to for completing its first year as the premier site for Controversial, Adult conversation.
How fitting that as we celebrate the founding of this Great Nation, we can mark a milestone for the dominate world power of the InterWeb.

Thank heavens for free trade. (none / 0) (#3)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Jul 2nd, 2002 at 02:58:38 AM PST
The best thing about America is its free trade, which means anyone can buy anything with no hassle.

Now, say in Britain, to get fireworks you have to jump through difficult and arduous hoops to get fireworks, i.e. go to your local corner-shop in October and buy some. Whereas, in Free Market America, it is much easier. All you have to do is covertly drive out into the middle of nowhere, armed, haggle with gypsies or indians for half an hour, then open up the secret compartment in your car and stash the fireworks. If you haven't got a secret compartment, wrap the fireworks in polythene and hide them in the gas tank. Then take a different way home, one that's nice and twisty so it isn't completely obvious to every cop in town that you've been to Boom City. Drive at a normal speed. Do not sweat when the officer asks if you have any fireworks. Convincingly say "no". Be proud. This is Free Trade! This is America! This is why you're so much better than everyone else!

If you can't get any Free Trade fireworks, just buy a gun at the grocery store and shoot someone with it. -- because it isn't

Silly Englishman, Americans are free (none / 0) (#4)
by Adam Rightmann on Tue Jul 2nd, 2002 at 05:48:38 AM PST
as long as you're not swarthy, speeding, sporting druggie bumperstickers or a long haired freak, the odds of you being pulled over by the police are miniscule. If you do get pulled over, as long as the police have no just cause (ie. smelling marijuana or opium, seeing empty beer bottles, seeing explosives), you are protected by the Constitution, and they have no right to search you. Really, you should consider Constitutional Rights some day, you might like living as a free man.

A. Rightmann

But how can you be free (none / 0) (#7)
by Amitabh Bachan on Tue Jul 2nd, 2002 at 07:27:13 AM PST
if you are not allowed to have empty beer bottles and some fireworks in your car without giving the police an opportunity to investigate further?

Damn! (4.00 / 1) (#9)
by because it isnt on Tue Jul 2nd, 2002 at 01:33:28 PM PST
Someone knows my secret. -- because it isn't

an open letter (none / 0) (#11)
by nathan on Tue Jul 2nd, 2002 at 02:22:07 PM PST
Dear Prof Mr B. I. I. Sir,

Where would you be today without my filthy cartoons?

Yours sincerely,
Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Well, Adam, (none / 0) (#13)
by because it isnt on Tue Jul 2nd, 2002 at 03:45:16 PM PST
I can't say for certain, but I imagine it would still be in the vicinity of the gutter. -- because it isn't

You mean, Dear Nathan (none / 0) (#16)
by Adam Rightmann on Wed Jul 3rd, 2002 at 06:00:17 AM PST
for we are two separate people. Yes, I know your secular humanist mind can't imagine people smart enough to use the innanet and believe in God, but it happens, and there are plenty on this site.

A. Rightmann

Actually, (none / 0) (#17)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Jul 3rd, 2002 at 06:41:35 AM PST
I was referring to Adam Thresher and "his" filthy cartoons. Besides, I can tell the difference between committed members of the True Church and mere armchair theologians. -- because it isn't

now be nice. (5.00 / 1) (#19)
by nathan on Wed Jul 3rd, 2002 at 01:49:26 PM PST
The Catholics may have split from the True Church, but they're far from armchair theologians.

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

That's twice now (none / 0) (#20)
by gohomeandshoveit on Thu Jul 4th, 2002 at 08:16:49 AM PST
You have posted two comments under the pseudonym "Anonymous Reader", and yet you still insist upon putting your daft little signature at the bottom. Might I ask why? Is it because you have to hide behind that psuedonym so you won't look like a total dumbass for your stupid ideas, yet you're so stupid that you forget that you're signature is on? Or is it because you like looking like a total dumbass? I don't get it. Adequacy is no place for pussies. Go home.

-----If ignorance is bliss, then knock the smile off my face.

You don't get it. (none / 0) (#21)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jul 4th, 2002 at 09:37:05 AM PST
It's because I have no idea what my password is, and the thought of jumping through the "mail password" hoops more often than absolutely necessary brings me out in a rash. So this computer isn't 'logged in' to my account, unlike my home computer which is.

I sign my AR posts by hand, to help out the dumbasses who can't tell that it's me from the writing style. Be grateful, you whining brat. -- because it isn't

If you live in the northeast, Pennsylvania sells (none / 0) (#5)
by Adam Rightmann on Tue Jul 2nd, 2002 at 06:31:26 AM PST
fireworks, though only to people with non-Pennsylvanian driver's licenses. So, hie yourself to Pennsylvania, and generally 500 feet past the border there will be a fireworks stand.

A. Rightmann

We should hang out. (none / 0) (#18)
by derek3000 on Wed Jul 3rd, 2002 at 08:14:04 AM PST
I live in Media.

Also, why can't I get some real fireworks? Evidently you have to have a license to get anything above Class C. Pure bullshit. Let me blow my hand off, damnit.

"Feel me when I bring it!" --Gay Jamie

Testing (none / 0) (#6)
by Right Hand Man on Tue Jul 2nd, 2002 at 07:14:44 AM PST
The Fourth of July holiday is absolutely the best time of year to test your various explosive concotions with the least fear of detection.

For instance, if you have always wondered what the effect of adding sodium hydroxide and various acids to Penaerythrite Tetranitrate might be, the Fourth of July holiday is your opportunity to conduct that important research. It can also be a time to provide an education to your children. After an introductory course in basic demolition, one of the boys is building some fireworks of his own this year. Start them out with blackpowder to be safe.

Indeed, this day of patriotism is an opportunity to throw off the shackles of the BATF. Drag out your fully automatic weapons, your Czech Semtex, and your pyrophoric iron / sulphur flashbangs. Go outside and pay tribute to America. But don't get so wrapped up in it that you forget church on Sunday.

"Keep your bible open and your powder dry."

erm... (5.00 / 1) (#8)
by KingAzzy on Tue Jul 2nd, 2002 at 12:35:17 PM PST
This may not be the smartest sort of post to make to a public blog in these days and times.

You'd be stupid to think that the NSA doesn't scan and archive every article and comment made here.

The Boys in Black will be paying you a visit shortly, I'm sure.

Really? (none / 0) (#10)
by Right Hand Man on Tue Jul 2nd, 2002 at 02:08:29 PM PST
The Boys in Black will be paying you a visit shortly, I'm sure.

Then keep your eyes glued to CNN, I'm well prepared this time of year.

"Keep your bible open and your powder dry."

Don't flatter yourself, terrorist. (none / 0) (#12)
by KingAzzy on Tue Jul 2nd, 2002 at 03:34:17 PM PST
They learned their lessons from Waco and Ruby Ridge. You will be disposed of in a quiet and surgical manner.

Uh-oh. (none / 0) (#14)
by because it isnt on Tue Jul 2nd, 2002 at 04:12:56 PM PST
Bad timing. The survivalist's discount mart are doing a summer special on tac-nukes and shoulder-mounted rocket launchers. -- because it isn't

God Bless You (none / 0) (#15)
by First Incision on Tue Jul 2nd, 2002 at 09:32:36 PM PST
You are a true American, Right Hand Man. Every year, around this time, I wonder, "what would it feel like to fire a fully-automatic weapon?" I am afraid I may never know. Shoot an extra magazine at your man-shaped targets for me.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.


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