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 The Dark Side of Cancer

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
May 14, 2002
In the eyes of the Liberal Media, cancer is a perfectly acceptable alternative lifestyle. On TV shows, Americans from all socio-economic groups are shown happily buying into the cancer chic -- including the elderly and even young children. Members of the Cancer Generation are shown as upright citizens, often enjoying vigorous walks in a manner not dissimilar to Orwell's Junior Anti-Sex League. Chemotherapy users are noted for their enthusiastic use festive head scarves, and not for the sinister ramifications their choices have on the American Family.

The Leftist Media don't want the horrible truth about cancer to come out. They've tried for decades to keep the downsides of the Cancer Lifestyle from being revealed to the general public.

They have now failed.


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The Myth of "Facts"
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Using standard analytic techniques, I have combed InterNet and the available body of ethnographic literature to perform Statistical Analysis on raw data. The secret truth is that the Cancer Lifestyle, far from being a liberating journey away from the toil of family life, is in reality a deviant subculture -- whose members are prone to a shocking array of moral deviances, a variety of statistically correllated practices which harm both Pro-Cancer zealots and members of society in contact with them. The three most striking depravities, the ones I've scientifically determined to be most statistically likely to harm the American Way, are as follows.


Here's one thing the Cancerists have left out of their recruitment literature: those with N-stage Cancer -- considered the most elite of the Cancer underground -- almost always (96% in the Northeast and Midwest, 91% in the western and southern states) indulge in human cannibalism.

Although many Americans (47% nationwide) experiment with cannibalism, especially in college, most abandon the practice after marriage. N-stage Cancerists, however, tend to engage in the practice regularly.

(It should be noted that all Cancerists are likely to indulge in cannibalism, but this trend is greatly pronounced with N-stage cancer.)

The cancerous describe a strong rush when consuming the flesh of "normals." Skin is a great delicacy; facial skin is especially coveted, and is referred to as "stuff" or "junk" by Cancerist addicts. "The skin, the dope, that's the thing," described an interviewee with lung cancer. "When you can't get it, man, it's like, it's death, death itself inside you. Shit, you don't know, man. Death, fucking death itself."


The occult history of the comatose's influence on world politics is far too complex and disturbing to recount here. Interested readers should consult Henry Ford's Protocols of the Elders of Zion or the writings of Mark Fuhrman.

In brief, the comatose are linked through a still-mysterious psychic/gnostic aether; through this evil comradery they are able to plot the downfall of nations and contamination of cultures. Their agents among the living -- examples include Napolean Bonaparte and director George Lucas -- are allowed to rise back to conscious society as spies before returning to undeath. These individuals are celebrated by naieve doctors as having "beaten the coma." (These individuals may appear to have escaped their comas. But no one ever escapes the comatose.)

Philosophers and Sociologists are only beginning to comprehend this murky conspiracy, but a link between the comatose and the cancerous is obvious. The most recent Argentine coup -- a breast cancer induced toppling of capitalist leaders -- had been prophesied by several CIA-captured comatose. Al Qedada, the criminal Islamite organization headed by Yassir Aerofat, is steered with the help of the worldwide comatose organization. (This fact has been confirmed no less a personage than Attorney General and Missourian John Ashcroft.) The dark communion between the comatose and cancerous is indisputable and terrifying.


Catholicism isn't just for the proletariat anymore. From the potato-littered slums of Boston, proto-Christian beliefs are -- as if from the pages of long-discarded history texts -- coming back into popularity. Papism is wildly popular among the cancerous, seemingly more so than mainstream religions.

This link is probably due to the parallels between the Cancer Lifestyle and almost-charming quirks of Catholicism. The cancer victims' choice to bodily cultivate a new life form, perhaps as a substitute for childbirth, is akin to the Catholic transubstantiation ritual. Equally noteworty is the Catholic ability to channel the spirits of dead Popes. Many an innocent passerby in the less savoury quarters of American cities has had to dodge fireballs from an Irishman loosing his Roman magic. This powerful channelling fulfills an obvious psychosexual need for the cancerous.


What will happen when this Papal sorcery is widely mastered by the cancerous? How will this be used to aid the shifting, impenetrable designs of the comatose? Aided by the political influence of those undead sleepers, how many humans will the cancerous be able to sate their hunger with?

And most importantly, when will the Liberal Media awake to the downsides of the cancer lifestyle? Alert them, I say! A thousand times: ALERT THEM!


Indeed (5.00 / 1) (#4)
by Jon Erikson on Tue May 14th, 2002 at 07:12:57 AM PST
And I offer you my sincere thanks, eSolutions, for your timely article altering to me this new manace from the Cult of the Whore. Cancer is clearly the result of the Lord smiting down a sinner for their blasphemous ways, and yet even one as close to God as I had no idea that these degenerates had sunk so low.

Truly, Christian statistics is one of the greatest tools in God's arsenal.

Jon Erikson
Senior consultant, NPO Technologies

Jon is a idiot (1.00 / 1) (#6)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue May 14th, 2002 at 11:10:55 AM PST
Cancer is not some punishment for cancer, people can get cancer for obscure reason, some born with it. Do some research


P.S. Anime rules!

Please be advised... (none / 0) (#9)
by elenchos on Tue May 14th, 2002 at 01:03:10 PM PST
Your posts are very dull. They lack interesting content due mainly to lack of effort. Merely contradicting someone is uninteresting, and it bores us. You are boring us.

Please remedy this immediately, so that we will not be forced to take action. Thank you.

Enjoy the

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

hmmm (none / 0) (#27)
by nathan on Tue May 21st, 2002 at 04:09:14 PM PST
What you're saying is that cancer, in fact, has a lot in common with being a moron.

So long as you can be mocked for being a moron, then, it makes sense that we should also be able to make cancer jokes.

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

In a quick survey, (none / 0) (#8)
by because it isnt on Tue May 14th, 2002 at 11:36:43 AM PST
we gave "Jon Erikson" one hundred pancreatic cancer sufferers, and we gave another hundred to real doctors.

After only one year, all of Jon's patients had died, despite his best efforts at chanting "FOUL SPIRITS OF THE DUODENUM BEGONE!". In the other camp, real qualified doctors had saved 98 of the sufferers from an agonising death.

Obviously this survey means nothing, as it wasn't scientific - we didn't check to see if any of Jon's patients were True Believers in the One True God. If they had been, the probably wouldn't have died. -- because it isn't

Finally a good article again!!! (none / 0) (#10)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue May 14th, 2002 at 05:01:01 PM PST
You guys have been slackin a bit lately but it's truth revealing articles like these that make such a controversial yet educational and refreshing site.

There are sure ways to make an article refreshing. (5.00 / 2) (#13)
by The Mad Scientist on Tue May 14th, 2002 at 06:24:43 PM PST
One involves javascript and settimeout(), another one involves <META> tag.

hahaha (none / 0) (#14)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue May 14th, 2002 at 06:37:04 PM PST
You might wanna press your own refresh button. Maybe it's funny next time. Friggin nerd... oh btw you must capitalize the T in setTimeout() :-)

My brain exploded... (none / 0) (#11)
by gohomeandshoveit on Tue May 14th, 2002 at 05:11:04 PM PST
...and it hurt. A lot.

Asides from that, this article is clearly right-wing propaganda that has insidiously sneaked its way into this fine site. Such a pity. I, for one, personally don't know what eSolutions is talking about. As an obvious PC user, he/she/it must be blind to the truth of the cancerous. This comes about from being brainwashed by the radiacl right, who controls the PC world. Loyal Mac/Linux/other OS must take it upon themselves to correct the right-leaning PC world's misconceptions.

One: The theory of cannibalism is not practiced by the cancerous, except in the rare instance of a Malaysian Brain Tumo-cancer. This also causes terrible hallucinations and even PC-worshipping.

Two: The comatose do NOT converse in the way you describe. In fact, George Lucas and Napoleon Bonaparte have no connections to comatose anythings. The comatose actually use a pseudo-holographic psychic projection to illuminate themselves as functioning members of society, allowing them to control others' brains. Examples include Mark McGwire and William Randolph Hearst.

Three: The Catholic chuch is popular with the cancerous, however, they do not shoot fireballs or channel dead popes. Instead, they unleash their psychosexual desires upon underaged children by projecting the same pseudo-holographic psychic projection that the comatose do, controlling the brains of average priests. As you will notice, the recent outbreak of cancer coincides with the priestly abusing.

Conclusion: You PC users are woefully under-educated, due to the right-leaning influence upon your computers. We rebel Mac/Linux/other OS users must educate you properly, so you don't go and disrespect the Liberal Media wrongfully.

Tranquilizers are drugs. Don't abuse them. - Warning label on Korean beer bottle

Criticism noted, but... (5.00 / 1) (#12)
by eSolutions on Tue May 14th, 2002 at 06:17:28 PM PST
> As an obvious PC user, he/she/it must be blind
> to the truth of the cancerous.

It can be tough to accept deconstructions of long-held beliefs, especially for a repressed homosexual such as yourself (not that I'm judging.) Have you read Foucault?

> The theory of cannibalism is not practiced by
> the cancerous, except in the rare instance of a
> Malaysian Brain Tumo-cancer.

I had tables to support this part of the article, but the "code" tag -- which should be included in any implementation of the Microsoft Hypertext Protocol -- is not supported by (The "about" page says they are trying to implement this, along with anonymous posting.)

Suffice it to say, cannibalism is widely practiced by Cancerite and Gentile alike. Perhaps the prim crowd my gay-dar says you run with eschews the taste of human flesh, but others of less bodily morbidity have indulged. This practice is simply much more pronounced in the cancerous, so that the behaviour becomes unhealthy. That's all.

> The comatose actually use a pseudo-holographic
> psychic projection to illuminate themselves as
> functioning members of society, allowing them
> to control others' brains.

Ah, ha ha... Let me guess -- J.A. Richardson's _Zionism_and_Pathology_, page 244. A cute theory, but not an accepted one. Try something from the last fifty years, would you?

> The Catholic chuch is popular with the
> cancerous, however, they do not shoot fireballs
> or channel dead popes.

LOL! Do you live in a plastic bubble? Try riding the "El"s of Chicago with me some time. Last wednesday a swarthy Irishman became infuriated when I was unable to spare him a "copper"; he began shaking cyborg-like and reciting a gaelic incantation ("Hoy-ne-Macgillicuty-Ye-Hardie-Har-A-Hoydie-Colleen" or something, very musical), and the next thing I knew I was face to face with Gregory VII the Mad, weilding all the powers of the Roman demi-gods he worshipped from the VatiThrone! Staff of Flame! Cavalry of Night! You won't see that in your Turkish Baths! Thank god for the timely trains of the CTA, or I'd have been fried as Carthage.

------- You wanna play the blind man, go walk with a Shepherd. But me, my eyes are wide fuckin' open.

Cancer and the Catholic Church. (none / 0) (#18)
by Ernest Bludger on Tue May 14th, 2002 at 11:39:41 PM PST
The link between the two has long been known. The channeling of cancer (literally) is an interesting twist on the need of the cancerous to channel, as suggested by eSolutions.

Request for clarification! (none / 0) (#15)
by poltroon on Tue May 14th, 2002 at 08:01:18 PM PST
Is it considered cannibalism to eat the flesh of a living or undead person? I'm wondering where exactly the scads of growths coming out of the cancer extraction industry wind up - on the plates of family and friends, masquerading as "chicken", mabye? My first thought is that cancer-eating seems to be conceptually the opposite of cancerists eating normal dead flesh. What would be the implications of normals eating cancer? Could this be a way to combat cancerists and alleviate world hunger?

The Cancerous Must be Saved (none / 0) (#21)
by First Incision on Wed May 15th, 2002 at 03:40:36 PM PST
All around us, we find America under attack. The Mohammadeans, the Israelis, bomb-wielding art students, and even God himself are against us.

Because of prejudice and misunderstandings about their primal need for esoteric chemicals, essential humours, and ionizing radiation, the cancerous have significantly shorter lifespans than normal people.

I believe, if given the supportive treatment they require, the cancerous can be a great asset to the USA

Catholics love America, as evidenced by massive past and present influxes of Irish, Italians, Poles, and Mexicans. Ask any one of us, and we are all quite willing to do whatever it takes to defend our nation against Islamist militants and liberalist mailbox bombers.

I am Catholic, yet have not even had introductory lessons in Celtic sorcery. This is probably because every ounce of Divine Grace we have is being frittered away on child buggery and Organized Labor. Yet the cancerous represent a veritable wealth of primal mystic energy.

The cancerous and Catholics must be allowed to join forces. Only then can we fend off the rising Jihadism and again make America God's most favored nation.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

That is one offending thing right there! (none / 0) (#22)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon May 20th, 2002 at 06:52:52 PM PST
I mean come on, I know it is all in the name of humor, but goddammit; I had cancer!

It isn't fucking funny to make jokes about people who are near death and then pumped full of poison to try to keep them alive!

Tell it to Tom Greene, you moron. (n/t) (none / 0) (#23)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue May 21st, 2002 at 02:36:24 AM PST

Not about cancer (none / 0) (#24)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue May 21st, 2002 at 09:17:54 AM PST
Except that cancer is verboten as a humor subject. The disease isn't funny, breaking a taboo is.

But anyway, real point of the article is to mock the "liberal media touting evil alternative lifestyles" tirades seen in conservative editorials and "news" (The 700 Club, for example.) Cancer itself isn't funny at all; neither are the lynchings of gays, communists, jews, et cetera who are the targets of such tirades.

700 Club? (none / 0) (#25)
by The Mad Scientist on Tue May 21st, 2002 at 11:34:50 AM PST
Does it mean that only its owners are the ones who has any rights there?

you are so right. (none / 0) (#26)
by nathan on Tue May 21st, 2002 at 04:07:48 PM PST
Every time Pat Robertson opens his mouth, dozens of gay black Jewish Communists are lynched in Alabama alone. It makes me wonder how there come to be any remaining there, but on the other hand, gay black Jewish Communists do breed like furious rabbits; it must ensure a constant supply.

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

When you don't go... (none / 0) (#28)
by The Mad Scientist on Tue May 21st, 2002 at 08:03:59 PM PST
...through the process all the way, you can lynch one person over and over. Which depletes the supplies much less.

Frivolous question. (none / 0) (#29)
by hauntedattics on Wed May 22nd, 2002 at 06:07:42 AM PST
If the rabbits are so furious, how do they ever get around to mating?

obviously... (none / 0) (#30)
by nathan on Wed May 22nd, 2002 at 10:26:48 AM PST
It is a fury of love.

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.


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