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One of the biggest crazes sweeping the nation is called Psychology, the "science" of the mind. From talk shows to pyramid schemes, psychology is everywhere.
Most psychology is performed by esteemed professionals such as Drs. Phil McGraw or Ruth Westheimer. They must endure rigorous peer review and endless grant requests when they wish to burst the walls of ignorance and stumble forth into the fruited Eden of knowledge.
But you don't need a fancy degree or pharmaceutical license to explore the psychological world. I myself pursue psychological experiments as a hobby, concocting my own experiments and using those around me as subjects. Co-workers, the homeless, women -- you can use these individuals in your own experiments without even interrupting your daily routine.
In this column, I outline the results of three psychological experiments I've performed on my cat, Snickers.
Summary: Bought several dozen taxidermied cats. Placed them around my apartment. Bought motors, transistors, and small speakers from Radio Shack. Automated some of the taxidermied cats. Placed speakers in others and looped meow-ing sound file. Used spare string to make a few of the taxidermied cats walk freakishly around apartment.
Borrowed live cat from the pound, dressed it in little "ninja" outfit and released it into apartment. Released subject (Snickers) into the apartment. Started stopwatch, measuring time until subject's brain exploded.
Results: Subject stood by food dish and brayed loudly until fed.
Summary: Bought one canoe, two mannequins, one arrow, and assorted supplies. Canoed down the Cahulawassee up-river from Aintry. While canoeing, lectured subject endlessly about importance of the river, how it was like a blue flame burning in her mind; a primal God, savage and majestic, more true and pure than the shallow facade of her domesticated life. Berated subject for her useless, effeminate suburban world; praised the terrible mystery of the ever-watching woods and the river, glowing like radium, ruling them.
On second day, pulled canoe to one bank and unloaded mannequins, arrow, and subject. Anally raped one mannequin, stuck arrow in chest of the other. Buried arrow-slayed mannequin in woods and continued down river as rapidly as possible.
Results: Subject kept shitting in canoe. Must bring litter box next time.
Summary: Slipped mild tranquilizers in subject's food. While subject slept, placed half-empty bottle of whiskey under her paw. Placed shoebox of kittens and crumpled twenty-dollar bill near subject's head. Waited for subject to awake.
Results: Subject hissed at kittens and pissed on my copy of Linux in a Nutshell.
I hope this was instructive. I've shown how you can perform psychological experiments on your own, unencumbered by "grant proposals" or "credentials." Find your own subjects to experiment on, and you too can join the ranks of scientific pioneers piercing the maidenheads of ignorance.