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 Caffeinated Mints: A Comparative Review

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Feb 19, 2002
I don't particularly like to associate myself with typical geek, mainly because he is, well, a geek. However, his recent diary did cause me to do some thinking. Sure, I love my coffee, and I myself frequently need that caffeine buzz, but often it simply isn't practical to have a nice cup of joe. Sometimes I'm navigating horrendous traffic while discussing my portfolio with my broker on the mobile, others I'm in the midst of some extremely manly outdoors activity like mountain biking. Occasionally I'm just too lazy to bother cleaning out the filter. (No disposable paper for me, thank you. I am a caring custodian of our precious planet.)

What I realized is that I needed a transportable, non-spillable, and easily consumable form of caffeine, preferably one that freshened my breath as well. My search for such a product was far from difficult. In fact, I was quickly overwhelmed with the choices presented to me. Rather than view this as a problem, I saw an opportunity to research the field and report my findings to the fine readers of


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I quickly ordered some 1/2 a dozen different brands of Caffeinated Mints from the Internet and eagerly waited by my mailbox. The first package, containing HyperMints, arrived so quickly that I could scarcely believe the company was located 2,000 miles away from me. I was thrilled at the speedy, professional delivery and hoped that all the other companies would follow suit. Sadly, weeks passed before I had all of the other brands in my possession. I had yet to open a single package, and already HyperMints were the clear winner.

Undaunted by the delivery snafu those other companies seemed to suffer, I began my tests.

The first mint I tried was packaged rather unattractively and difficult to open. After some 45 minutes with a razor blade and a pair of surgical forceps, I finally was able to gain access to the mints. The fight with the wrapping had taken its toll though, and I had inadvertently crushed most of the product. I popped some of the crumbs in my mouth only to have them dissolve almost instantaneously in their minuscule state. I assumed this would mean a rapid onset of caffeinated bliss, but after 2 hours I felt nothing. Clearly these mints were crap.

The second brand wasn't hard to open, but I was completely unprepared for the stench unleashed when doing so. They smelled downright vile. I thought of cheese (the worse the smell the better the taste), popped one in my mouth, and was astonished to discover that the cheese analogy wasn't far off. The mint tasted like a rancid sock. Gagging and retching, I quickly spat it out. Another failure.

Mint #3 didn't taste as bad as the second one had, but it was very chalky and dry. It left a bitter taste on my tongue that several hours and several glasses of water failed to remove. It was oddly reminiscent of sucking on an aspirin. I thought I felt a bit of a buzz from it at first, but I later concluded this was only a placebo effect. I was 1/2 way through my study and I still wasn't properly caffeinated!

Well, the fourth brand took care of that! There's good caffeine buzzes and there's bad, and #4 was all bad. I couldn't stop shaking, I was drenched in sweat, and my stomach felt like people were walking on it with golf cleats. And it wasn't like drinking too much coffee, either. This incredibly unpleasant, frazzled feeling stayed with me for most of the night. I was on the verge of going down to the clinic to get a nice charcoal cocktail force-fed to me when it finally began to subside. I was so shaken I had to wait until the next day before resuming my study.

After my experience with the first mint product I tried, I was very careful with subsequent handling of the remaining contestants less I crush them. Yet the fifth one up for review was already pre-crushed prior to delivery! I can only imagine what sort of manufacturing/shipping incompetence went on prior to my receipt of the product, as there was nothing but powder inside the wrapper. In my firm resolved not to be dissuaded from a complete market survey, I emptied a bit of the powder on a small mirror I just happen to keep lying around. Using the razor blade from Mint #1 I formed the powder into a small "bump", then manipulated a thin glass tube I also just happen to have handy in order to snort some of the powder up my nose.

The burn from Mint #5 was unbearable! I would like to say that I had never before experienced such sinus pain before, but I had. Usually the dealers cut with something harmless, but sometimes an unscrupulous middleman will step on the product with whatever they have under the kitchen sink. Yeah, I knew this burn, and there was no way I was going to blow another line of this poison. The Mint #5 dealers were pushing bogus dust, and not only I had been ripped off, I had damn near been killed.

At this point I was feeling very skeptical. I was 0 for 5, and I despaired of ever finding a decent caffeinated mint. I hopefully eyed the HyperMints, fondly remembering the superb competence I had experienced with their delivery. The packaging was so compelling, too. Still believing my dreams could be answered, I opened a roll (no troubles, I might add), and slid one of the many perfectly formed, pale turquoise beauties into my mouth...

Bliss! Never in all my years had I experienced such a refreshing blast of mint flavor! Like an Alaskan river, flush with the crystaline-pure spring glacial melt from the Arctic! Wave upon wave of invigorating delight cascading over my tongue like the rapids of the mighty Yukon river! The Gods on Olympus never dreamt this level of palate-stimulating perfection! HyperMints are the apotheosis of mint flavor!

Suddenly I felt the caffeine kick in. Sure, these tasted better than manna from the heavens, but it was the buzz that really counted. The tingle began all the way down in my toes, as though every pleasurable nerve ending was awakening for the first time in years. It spread all the way up my body like the caress of a beautiful maiden, until finally even my scalp felt alive. I believe I could even feel the dead follicles of my bald spots being reanimated, thanks to HyperMints!

And then the full force came on, not in a rush, nor in a trickle, but an undeniable presence, a fullness of being that I had never before felt. It was like all of my faculties were running at 150%. I was solving advanced differential calculus equations in my head. Complex mechanical assemblies were being revealed to me in the utmost simplicity. The entire universe was mine to comprehend, all because of HyperMints!

I accomplished more that day than I had in the previous 4 months, all by 7:00 PM. And I was not in the least tired! In fact, I was so full of energy that I went out to a few clubs, and I say with no exaggeration that women were flocking to me in droves, each one of them unable to help but notice the pure radiance that emanated from my very soul, courtesy of HyperMints!

As the evening wore to an end I chose two of the finer ladies present and retired to my home with them. I was a bit hesitant at how I would perform after such an exhausting day, but to be honest, I was a sexual Titan that night. Both women were exhausted afterwards, yet I was only beginning to feel pleasantly tired. There was no crash, only the sweet desire for sleep after a good day's work. I slept soundly for 7 hours and awoke feeling more refreshed than I ever had before.

HyperMints are truly the world's greatest caffeinated mint product. Nothing else on God's Earth can supply what they do. I now keep an entire closet stocked to the ceiling with HyperMints, and if you want to function at the highest of your abilities, I urge you to do the same.


Quick question. (5.00 / 1) (#2)
by tkatchev on Tue Feb 19th, 2002 at 01:28:42 AM PST
What's the going rate for your soul?

I have a feeling that you have sold out far too cheaply.

Peace and much love...

what are the other brands? (1.00 / 1) (#3)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Feb 19th, 2002 at 02:18:59 AM PST
I'm curious to know which of 1-5 were Penguin caffeinated peppermints.

Jesus! I thought i was safe against penguins here! (5.00 / 1) (#7)
by Juan Fernandez on Tue Feb 19th, 2002 at 08:34:59 AM PST
Man, I'm sick of those so degenerated fat birds that they even can't fly... My nightmares are full of them, I've got delusions with them... seriously, dude, this is a place mostly full of people hiding themselves from that awful creature, you should show a bit more respect for us. By the way, someone should tell Mr Torvaldes that THERE ARE NOT FUCKING PENGUINS IN THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE. Maybe then he is willing to pick up another "pet" for that Debian Lunix Computer Operating System and we finally get a rest (Perhaps an amoeba or even a virii would make a more appropiate pet).

Heh! It's coming for you... (5.00 / 1) (#11)
by jvance on Tue Feb 19th, 2002 at 11:45:22 AM PST it comes. You're next.
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

Lame (none / 0) (#12)
by zikzak on Tue Feb 19th, 2002 at 12:22:06 PM PST
That might have been funny if the creator knew what KMFDM actually stands for.

But probably not.

Let me guess... (5.00 / 1) (#13)
by tkatchev on Tue Feb 19th, 2002 at 12:31:59 PM PST
"Kein Mitleid Fuer Die Untermensh".

So, do I win a gold star now?

Peace and much love...

Close! (1.00 / 1) (#22)
by iconoclast on Wed Feb 20th, 2002 at 01:45:10 PM PST
It's not 'Untermensh', it's 'Mehreit'.

Thus KMFDM stands for: "Kein Mitleid Fur Die Mehrheit" which roughly translates as: no mercy for the masses.

What does KMFDM stand for? (none / 0) (#14)
by Slobodan Milosevic on Tue Feb 19th, 2002 at 12:32:47 PM PST

No Pity (none / 0) (#15)
by jvance on Tue Feb 19th, 2002 at 12:48:18 PM PST
for the Majority.

The artwork in question was done by BRUTE!

I'm guessing that since he does the album covers for KMFDM, he might know what the acronym means.
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

I found it funny (none / 0) (#23)
by iconoclast on Wed Feb 20th, 2002 at 01:50:39 PM PST
The most common alternate meaning for KMFDM is: Kill Motherf***ing Depeche Mode. If you replace DM with MS (for Microsoft, of course), then it makes perfect sense.

Um... (2.50 / 2) (#16)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Feb 19th, 2002 at 01:54:32 PM PST
The man's name is "Torvalds." Linux is a kernel, not an operating system. Linus Torvalds has little to do with the "Debian" distribution of GNU/Linux. Finally, the singular of the word is "virus." Otherwise, thank you for your words of awe-inspiring wisdom.

"THERE ARE NOT FUCKING PENGUINS..."? That can't be grammatically correct.

Excuse me (none / 0) (#4)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Feb 19th, 2002 at 02:19:48 AM PST
I'd like to comment on this ridicu.... mmm, meat products! I think I'll go make a Sunday roast early!

The Shame (5.00 / 2) (#5)
by Orinoco on Tue Feb 19th, 2002 at 03:29:31 AM PST
If you had visited, as I have numerous times, the mint farms and caffeine mines of Peru from where the ingredients for this product originate, and witnessed, as I have, how utterly wretched (there is no other word for it; OK, : mean, filthy, nasty, shabby, vile, loathesome, odious, revolting, foul despicable, repugnant) conditions under which the small children enslaved there labor, often for only a fistful of wormy rice thrown out on the deck each day, then I am quite certain you would not be singing the praises so ecstatically of HyperMints

I can tell you without fear of contradiction that the myth of the happy peasant child, doe eyed, brownskinned, laboring happily on the plantation of Jose de Nescafe to bring you your mid-morning buzz, is wildly exaggerated. These urchins are swaybacked by the age of nine from hauling water up the mountain to their bretheren and sisteren who labor in the mint fields for as long as 14 and 16 hours a day and often for only a fistful of day-old rice thrown out on the deck after the mint is bagged and the crude farm implements have been cleaned and sharpened for the night, their calloused little fingers cleaned and bandaged.

Only then can the little wretches (for there is no other word for them), sleep. Sleep, to dream perhaps, of the day when they will be able to lash themselves to a piece of driftwood or an inner tube and make their way to these shores which promise liberty and the opportunity, equal to all, to labor for more than a fistful of rice thrown out on the deck.

HyperMints, you say? (5.00 / 1) (#6)
by typical geek on Tue Feb 19th, 2002 at 07:45:31 AM PST
Well, thank you for the pointer (heh-heh, get it) toawrds a better caffeine supply, for surely it will beat the acrid, foul cheapo robusta brew I'm drinking now. I will track some down and evaluate them, and let everyone know how well they work.

This is really showing the power of the internet, where disparate people can come together and share useful bits of knowledge. Thank you adequacy!

gcc is to software freedom as guns are to personal freedom.

Informative (5.00 / 1) (#17)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Feb 19th, 2002 at 03:27:08 PM PST
Thank you for this informative review. It has been immensely helpful in my choice of which caffeinated mint would be right for me. I clicked on the Hypermints banner ad which, by an amazing coincidence, just happened to be at the top of the page, and ordered myself a 24-pack. I'm getting jittery just thinking about them!

Coincidence ? (5.00 / 1) (#18)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Feb 19th, 2002 at 04:33:37 PM PST
How strange! By some quirk of fate, or synchronicity call it whatever you like. I just did exactly the same thing. I clicked on the hypermints ad, and orderd not 24, but 96 packs.

I look forward to a quality caffinated mint experience in the near future. I have to pull some all-nighters soon both coding and having sex with my two(!) girlfreinds (obviously not at the same time). I will be sure to let you all know how it goes. I imagine hypermints will keep me "up all night" in more ways than one.

It all ties together (5.00 / 1) (#20)
by Ernest Bludger on Tue Feb 19th, 2002 at 08:13:04 PM PST
After being inspired by elenchos into losing weight, and thus imporving both my appearance and my self-esteem, I now discover I can do this AND maintain a fresh, minty breath. Thus improving both my smell and my self-esteem. Thank you zikzak, thank you Adequacy.

This article (5.00 / 1) (#21)
by John Wainright on Wed Feb 20th, 2002 at 02:01:10 AM PST
being it a brilliantly presented advertisement, pushes the bounds of good taste.

I will bypass the blatant sales material and dwell on the fact that the protagonist actually advocates drug use and sexual immorality.
If these "Hyped-up-mints" cause one to lose sight of their moral obligations I would deign to say they should be controlled by the FDA or some other suitable governmental organization.

Perhaps the next time you seek refreshment for your soul that will cause you to exude radiantly, you might try devoting some of your time to prayer and meditation on HIS word.
Your claims of "Nothing else on God's Earth " supplying what they do will melt away with the soothing words of the Psalms or the Hope presented in Gospel from the words of the Savior.

mmm (none / 0) (#24)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Feb 22nd, 2002 at 03:58:04 AM PST
mmm, minty plug goodness


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