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 My roommate is gay! My roommate is a drunk.

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Aug 30, 2002
 Comments:
Dear gentlereaders,

I can tell it's almost September, my inbox is flooded with letters and pleas from college students. It's a rough world out there, friends, don't let yourself get too carried away with your first taste of freedom. Study hard, make new friends, use your university's resources, and remember the Sabbath.

sex

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Dear Adam,

I'm a college freshman, new to dorm life, and my roommate is a drunk! Almost evey night he comes home stinking of beer, and at least once a week he drinks so much he vomits. The only saving grace is that he's an engineering student, so he probably won't be bringing home women to fornicate with. What can I do, should I go to my RA to get a new roommate, or just tell this sinner how quickly he's going to Hell!?

T. Totaller


Dear T.,

First, let me correct you, consuming alcohol is not a sin, though overcompsumption is not wise. I find it odd that certain heretical sects like Baptists preach the literal word of the Bible, yet ignore Moses and Cana in their zeal to ban alcohol and pick up rattlesnakes. And of course I needn't remind you of the crucial part wine plays in the Eucharist.

Part of going away to college is learning to expand your horizons. Why, before I went away, I had no idea just how many people had turned away from the one True Church! Thousands and thousands of heretics and sinners, blissfully and ignorantly marching straight towards Hell! Boy howdy, did the scales fall from my eyes!

Now, in the interests of openness, I must admit that I tipped back a few beers as an undergraduate, and not to brag, was the best beer tapper/pourer in the freshmen dorm (coming from staunch Bavarian Catholic stock has its rewards). So, in the interests of tolerance and friendship, put up with your dormmates youthful experimentation, maybe even slide the wastebacket near his bed when he comes home with after drinking too much. Who knows, perhaps one day you will enjoy a cold, frosty case or two or Rolling Rock ponies, ahh, memories of the 'Skellar, and meet a fecund young Catholic coed with which you can get married to and have children.



Dear Adam,

I'm back in the dorms again, but I fear that my new roommate is gay. While he seems nice enough, he is awfully neat and well dressed, and likes to listen to Morrisey. He never wants to go out to parties to mingle with the coeds, and even has a rainbow patch on his backpack? Could he be gay, what should I do?

Moe Foab


Dear Moe,

College is a delicate time, where young people like to try out new things and experiment. This makes them very vulnerable to Satanic influences; like Heavy Metal music, Gathering the Magic card game, and homosexuality. If your roommate suspects he is a homosexual, or wants to flirt with homosexuality, you need to be careful what you tell him, in order not to lose influence over him. If you tell him that truth, that he will be damned for all eternity to have a demon bugger him endlessly with a 4 foot long scaly, razor sharp red hot penis while having to orally satisfy a rancid, stinking demonic beast, he will turn you right off. I would suggest trying to remain friends, and getting your roommate to know a campus priest, who can help lead him from a life astray.

Of course, if your roommate attempts to kick you out of your room for his perverted, decadent assignations, you have every right to complain.

       
Tweet

Just remember... (none / 0) (#2)
by walwyn on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 11:38:30 AM PST
...freshers arrive at college a week before the rest of the student body. This so that they can be inducted and such.

So I'd advise 2nd year+ students to return early and claim your fresher before the rush starts. The smarmy ones volunteer as guides, but why go to the trouble when you can just hang around the bars.

UK students have another three weeks so don't need to rush.


 
Fecundity (none / 0) (#3)
by First Incision on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 12:22:29 PM PST
There is nothing that puts a smile on my face quite like the casual use of the word "fecund." Thank you Mr. Rightmann.
_
_
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

 
College (none / 0) (#4)
by Right Hand Man on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 01:42:06 PM PST
Drinking in small amounts is acceptable, as long as one's head is in the right place. Drinking simply to enjoy alcohol's debilitating effects is certainly a problem, and the student in question should be made aware of the fate that often befalls drunkards, they stray from the life of honest hard work and service to the Lord by allowing their love for the bottle to overpower their love for God.

As for the man suspected of being gay. Wait until he is sleeping and slip a rattlesnake into his bed. Hopefully he will be bitten, whereupon you should prevent him from seeking medical attention. If he lives, he is most certainly not gay. If he dies, he was either gay or not following the path laid out for him by God.

Short of putting him to the test, you should vacate the dorm as quickly as possible. If a righteous man were to get wind that it was a hiding place for such sinful goings on he may take a notion to rectify the situation by force.


-------------------------
"Keep your bible open and your powder dry."

Stupid (none / 0) (#15)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Sep 3rd, 2002 at 05:07:32 PM PST
"As for the man suspected of being gay. Wait until he is sleeping and slip a rattlesnake into his bed. Hopefully he will be bitten, whereupon you should prevent him from seeking medical attention. If he lives, he is most certainly not gay. If he dies, he was either gay or not following the path laid out for him by God"

After reading that, my intelligence went down 6%. You are an idiot and inhuman for suggesting that

Indy


Wow. (none / 0) (#16)
by hauntedattics on Wed Sep 4th, 2002 at 01:40:16 PM PST
You just can't stay away, can you?



meh (none / 0) (#17)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Sep 4th, 2002 at 03:55:23 PM PST
Its either this or watching TV and nothings on

Suggesting to put a poisonous snake into someone's sheets, let the snake to bite them, not helping them and watch them die would be some sort of murder which you forget...is illigal. No matter if they are gay or not. If we did that, why don't we go back to witch burnings...oh that was sarcasm

Indy


dear mr 'Indy' you idiot, (none / 0) (#18)
by nathan on Thu Sep 5th, 2002 at 01:33:12 PM PST
You eat mud.

Sincerely,
Nathan
--
Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

wow (none / 0) (#19)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Sep 5th, 2002 at 04:26:35 PM PST
How pathetic was that insult?

Indy


Not much more pathetic than... (none / 0) (#20)
by hauntedattics on Fri Sep 6th, 2002 at 02:11:17 PM PST
your whole incoherent snakebite example.



Yea (none / 0) (#21)
by PotatoError on Fri Sep 6th, 2002 at 07:15:07 PM PST
I thought that snake idea was awful - someone could get seriously hurt, those things are poisonous you know! Who is Indy and why did he turn up and tell us to throw snakes at gay homosexuals???
<<JUMP! POGO POGO POGO BOUNCE! POGO POGO POGO>>

 
well, as they say, (none / 0) (#22)
by nathan on Sat Sep 7th, 2002 at 05:48:01 PM PST
The jewel becomes the queen, then.

Nathan
--
Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

 
Whats with you people? (none / 0) (#5)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 04:40:44 PM PST
Magic the card game the devil? God atlest you people don't run the world... Look its a fucking card game geeks play... Harry potter is a stupid little story that was writen to make money... and paganism is a dumd religion of strange goth like people who wish to rebel againsit the "system". Really... now go read your bible and make sure you give more advice so I can rule all your weak asses.


tool (none / 0) (#6)
by fractured clavicle on Sat Aug 31st, 2002 at 01:02:40 AM PST
Sir, you are either an unwitting pawn of the Devil or a troll. In either case I recommend that you immediately seek confession and professional counseling.


 
Hmmm (none / 0) (#7)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Aug 31st, 2002 at 10:15:36 PM PST
Really we need to cull the herd of you zealots.


 
I agree with the other Anonymous Reader. (none / 0) (#8)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Sep 2nd, 2002 at 02:43:04 PM PST
I play Magic the Gathering. Its a fun game. Much like chess. Theres nothing Satanic about it.


Well it starts out... (5.00 / 1) (#9)
by walwyn on Mon Sep 2nd, 2002 at 03:48:45 PM PST
...as a simple card game, but leads onto Tarot readings and ouija seances. Then before you know it you'll be being butt fucked by the horned one himeslf.


 
I suspect that other anonymous guy to be gay (none / 0) (#10)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Sep 3rd, 2002 at 05:51:46 AM PST
In fact, may God be my witness, I have noticed the fact that all Magic, The Gathering players are either gay or homosexual.


Indeed. (none / 0) (#11)
by araym on Tue Sep 3rd, 2002 at 10:36:29 AM PST
And often times both, I would say.


 
Possibly, Satanism and homosexualism are closely (none / 0) (#12)
by Adam Rightmann on Tue Sep 3rd, 2002 at 11:09:54 AM PST
linked. From my research, these Gathering the Magic players (almost all men) strip naked once they've arranged their witchcraft cards into a pentacle of colors and then proceed to summon demons. There's no telling what foul sexual practices they partake in once they've allowed demons to possess them.

Burn them, burn all those Gathering the Magic cards.


A. Rightmann

 
Gay Roomate (5.00 / 1) (#13)
by KingAzzy on Tue Sep 3rd, 2002 at 11:37:22 AM PST
So long as your gay roomie is a bottom-boy, I don't see the problem! It would be useful to have some backup fag pussy around in case of emergencies. Its a lot easier to get a desperate bottom boy to give up some booty than a female, in certain circumstances. And for emergency sexual needs, it might be advisable. After all, fags can't get pregnant.

This may seem like a trivial fact right now, but think about it -- and think about how dramatically different your life will be should you accidentally knock up some bitch in college that was supposed to be a one night stand.

Can you say Child Support? Don't want to go there.



Ass is Ass (none / 0) (#14)
by dmg on Tue Sep 3rd, 2002 at 04:35:47 PM PST
As they used to say in the federal facility for white-collar criminals where I spent a short time for SEC-related violations.



time to give a Newtonian demonstration - of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration.
-- MC Hawking

 

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