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In the face of current developments, classical manuals such as The Complete Dummy's Guide to Airplane Hijacking are in sore need of updating. To fill this gap, Adequacy presents: The Adequacy.org Guide to Airplane Hijacking in the Post-WTC Era.
[editor's note, by the Adequacy Staff] This information is presented for entertainment purposes only. Adequacy.org doesn't take responsibility for anybody's actions resulting from following the directions here. The author, em, is a peaceful soul, and has no actual experience with plane hijacking, thus he might be giving you some bad advice. Don't try this at home, only on planes (NOT!!!). Also, the phrase "post-WTC era" is not intended to imply that the WTC attacks divide history into eras in any meaningful way. You are warned. Be good. |
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Get a sufficiently large group of peopleAnd buy plane tickets for each. But not too large a group-- US authorities lately are on high alert, and nothwithstanding recent public relations moves, if airport authorities review a plane passenger list and see 30 guys with arabic last names like Akmajian, Simitian or Dzindzishashvili on board, they will take action.You want a group large enough to assure victory, but still small enough to be unconspicuous. 5 is a good number. Try to get seats not too far from each other, but still, don't seat in groups larger than 2. Don't talk to each other in the airport or plane, either. Get aisle seats for most of you, except one, which should have a window seat, preferably in an exit row. Don't try to smuggle any sort of weapon or bomb into the planeNo weapons at all. Not even a swiss army knife. The rules have toughened up, and, after all, why bring weapons on board when the authorities will kindly do it for you?On the other hand, do think of items that may serve as weapons. While airplanes are now issuing plastic instead of metal knives with their inflight meals, they are still providing metal forks that, while not ideally effective (and actually, possibly quite messy), can inflict a nontrivial amount of damage if wielded effectively. The one thing you do need to do is to overcome possible religious hangups (no, you're not going to drink it, neither is anybody else) and bring onboard a sufficiently large bottle of alcohol each. Bring a 750ml bottle of fine French-Canadian beer, or some chilean wine. These bottles are perfectly legal, and make great weapons-- before breakage, the weight of the liquid inside gives them tremendous momentum and thus striking power; after breakage, well, they have lethally sharp edges. And unopened bottles are perfectly legal to transport in your carry-on baggage. How to overpower armed air marshalsTwo of you go to the airplane lavatories, the rest stay in line waiting for them to become available. Then you get out your bottles and hit the guard in the head. You have the advantage of surprise, use it. One of you should keep and eye on the passengers, to make sure they don't try anything heroic, while you secure the gun.If this brings to your mind the idea of a burly 250 pound gorilla kicking your ass, consider the following (taken from the AP story linked above): Hundreds of other marshals are being recruited, many of them retired law enforcement officials. [my emphasis] You are quite likely to be confronting somebody's grandpa. Relax. Just smash those bottles into his weak, decaying bones. How to maximize damage in case of failureDespite the previous quote, the marshal, fed on a US diet, may well be tough, and you, who grew up struggling to eat even a meagre diet in your third world country, may find it very difficult or even impossible to overpower him, even with your superior numbers. You must be psychologically ready to accept the fact that, despite your best coordinated efforts, the guard may indeed gain the upper hand on the situation and wield his gun. In this case, there is only one way out: sudden pressure loss. You must make the marshal shoot his gun. Repeatedly. At windows. Thus, the member of your team who sat in a window seat must draw fire towards himself.If you manage to take the gun, sudden pressure loss means that in case of any problem that jeopardizes your mission, you should shoot out a window to abort your mission. Victory!So you and your fellow freedom fighters managed to take out a marshal, secure his gun, and get the situation under control. Now you may proceed as normal, following the recommendations of your trusted Complete Dummy's Guide to Airplane Hijacking as usual. May your deity of choice or tradition be with you! |