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Best females
Wiccans 43%
Catholics 31%
Mormons 25%

Votes: 16

 Why I want a Wiccan Wife

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Mar 20, 2002
Reading the comments in jsm's recent article, and in particular some of the apprentice High Priestess comments, I am struck by the glorious potential of the Wiccan female as wife material.

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"Why a Wiccan?" you might ask. jsm was rather harsh in his judgement of their religion, but the precise scriptural details don't concern me. Several things seem very clear to me about Wiccan females:
  • They are gullible. Very gullible. This means they are trusting. This means they believe a chap's explanations and do their best to put him on a pedestal. I like being put on pedestals. I like being praised a lot, and think a wiccan would constantly boost my ego.
  • They are at ease with their sexuality. This is very important. They sound like fun, to me.
  • They are, generally speaking, quite plain, and often slightly overweight, on the edges of society they find solace in Wicca. This means that they are easily manipulated to do one's bidding. Also, I don't like overly attractive girls, makes you feel guilty later, somehow, which you don't get with plainer females. And cos they are more desperate, they are much more wild.
  • They are innocent. I find innocence hugely attractive. Anybody who believes in Wicca can't have much experience of life, and is either willfully ignorant, stupid, or innocent. For young wiccan females, innocence is the obvious answer.
  • They aren't very intelligent. I don't like to feel challenged, and I don't like to feel I have to think overmuch to win an argument or convince a female of something. Also, lack of intelligence is perfectly charming in females. Unintelligent females are pleasant and fun to be with, and don't start up arguments about politics or metaphysics or something boring like that.
They sound like great fun to me. Unfortunately, where I live there are hardly any Wiccans at all, and the local henges and standing stones are entirely deserted. All the tourists and pagans seem to focus on Stonehenge, leaving the ancient monuments of this northern fastness completely empty.

However, I fancy that I can somehow lure a wiccan from the New World to come here, with promises of empty stone circles and blatant lies about our rustic, primitive, celtic lifestyles here in the industrial nightmare of Glasgow.

So that's my plan! I will (one day) marry an American Wiccan, and we shall live happily ever after.

So I really can't wait. I'm not sure how much Wiccan females vary, they are probably all more or less the same. What I want is a slightly overweight, average intelligence, fun, innocent female Wiccan. There must surely be plenty to go around in the grand scheme, I am just stymied by a local dearth :\

Anybody have any tips or suggestions on how I can procure a Wiccan female?


Catching Wiccan chicks. (5.00 / 2) (#1)
by derek3000 on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 01:05:51 PM PST
Here is what I would do:

1. Wait by a pond, lake, stream, etc.--sooner or later one of them will want to get 'in touch' with nature. A mildly overweight Wiccan chick just can't pass up a quick, non-judgemental skinny dip in the middle of nowhere.

2. Once in the pond, deftly gank her Birkenstocks.

3. When she is done with her swim, she will be noticeably confused by the absence of her lesbian sandals. This is the perfect time to spear her in the calf.

4. If it weren't already trouble enough for her to run away, she certainly can't do it now thanks to your expert spear-chucking. Give her one knock on the head, give yourself a pat on the back and drag her back to your dwelling.

5. When she comes to, convince her that you are Yeungling, the god of hunting, and that you have chosen her to be your bride.

I can't take too much credit for this; it's really just common sense.

"Feel me when I bring it!" --Gay Jamie

An excellent suggestion (none / 0) (#6)
by bc on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 01:22:23 PM PST
I knew I could rely on the Adequacy readership!

I understand Wiccan females are easily cowed by the Power of Man, so if I reveal to them the Godly, masculine blood that flows through my viens they should flock to me.

The only problem is the total lack of wiccans here in the Celtic fringe. Everywhere else has them. England has some, America and Canada have lots from what I've heard. But here, there just aren't any. I suspect it is because the enlightenment started here, and spread elsewhere. As Voltaire said, "It is to Scotland we look for our ideas of Civilisation," so it shouldn't be any wonder that such backward looking, elemental belief systems are uncommon here.

But this is a problem. I like elemental women, and Wiccan women are nothing if not elemental. What's a chap to do?

♥, bc.

If the mountain won't come to Mohammed (none / 0) (#25)
by dmg on Thu Mar 21st, 2002 at 04:57:11 AM PST
Have you considered moving to England ?

You would be able to find a nice Wiccan female, and live a comfortable, civilised, western lifestyle into the bargain, instead of sitting at home in your windy croft, listening to the bleating of the sheep, and the sound of the heather growing, waiting patiently for this month's visit of the mobile shop so you can buy your copy of 'Over 40s' magazine.

You know it makes sense. You must move South! Before the English declare independence, and rebuild Emperor Hadrian's wall.

time to give a Newtonian demonstration - of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration.
-- MC Hawking

Yeungling (none / 0) (#18)
by perdida on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 06:15:55 PM PST
I thought that was a kind of beer made in Philadelphia.

This is what democracy looks like

No. That's just a liberalist myth. n/t (none / 0) (#19)
by derek3000 on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 06:23:21 PM PST

"Feel me when I bring it!" --Gay Jamie

Really? (none / 0) (#26)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Mar 21st, 2002 at 01:43:35 PM PST
Is it? I suppose that Yuengling Stout I had an hour ago was just a dream...

Funny, I was thinking of a Christian wife for... (none / 0) (#2)
by elenchos on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 01:11:52 PM PST
...almost the exact same reasons.

Except that I like their sexual repression. Well-adjusted pagans, freethinkers and atheists really don't have much material to work with on the S&M front. Without guilt, what is there to get spanked about, for example?

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

Here's an idea for you (none / 0) (#3)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 01:13:27 PM PST
How about finding a job in a care home for women with Down's Syndrome and then you can get all the cheap thrills you want? These unfortunates fit all your criteria: gullible and easily coerced, plain, slightly overweight, innocent and unintelligent. You'd have a field day. And as a further benefit, you wouldn't have to put up with all the nonsensical mystical pseudo-religious Wiccan bullshit either.

You'd be surprised what they come up with. (none / 0) (#5)
by derek3000 on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 01:21:05 PM PST
And as a further benefit, you wouldn't have to put up with all the nonsensical mystical pseudo-religious Wiccan bullshit either.

I'd suggest that these are the same people that started the religion. What other conclusion can you come to?

"Feel me when I bring it!" --Gay Jamie

Don't be disgusting (none / 0) (#7)
by bc on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 01:28:51 PM PST
I really hoped Adequacy might be free of such sexist, manipulative viewpoints.

Down's Syndrome women aren't plain, they are ugly. And they aren't of average intelligence, or even just subpar - the are downright retarded. This means they aren't responsible for their actions, and this means you are encouraging engagement with an insensate beast, more or less. Shocking.

I won't have anything to do with your sick ideas.

♥, bc.

Not everyone is as noble as you (none / 0) (#21)
by John Milton on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 10:01:14 PM PST
Unfortunately, you seem to be the last of a dying valourous breed. At one time, the sanctity of the mentally handicapped would have prevented suggestions such as the above. It is a sign of the moral decay of the western world that post such as that have infected even adequacy. We won't be able to hold back the floodgates much longer.

Left to their own devices, the liberals will probably turn care wards into prostitution rings to subsidise the welfare state. It's the nature of the beast. We should propose an alternate solution before their greed consumes innocent lives. I propose that we redirect Down's syndrome victims to meat markets. The recent increase in mad cow disease is just the tip of the iceberg. We need a viable solution for the future should terrorist attack our meat supplies. The average Down's syndrome woman probably has the iq of slightly intelligent cow. I see no reason that we should treat them otherwise. Due to the small supply they would be a sure gourmet meat.

-John Milton

"Slaughter them," he said swiftly (none / 0) (#22)
by jvance on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 10:04:48 PM PST
A modest proposal indeed!
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

Wow.. (none / 0) (#27)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Mar 21st, 2002 at 01:46:29 PM PST
I'm shocked that even trolls would post something this.. inflammatory.. Good work, man.

But how will you tell the children Mommy's in Hell (none / 0) (#4)
by Adam Rightmann on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 01:20:12 PM PST
please, stick with a nice Catholic girl, and pray for those lost Wiccan souls.

A. Rightmann

I don't know (none / 0) (#8)
by bc on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 01:31:19 PM PST
There's lots of Catholic girls round here and they mostly seem pretty boring, not to mention malnourished and thin. And they lack self confidence.

Wiccans represent all that is best about the New World. They are brassy.

♥, bc.

Catholic girls in the US can be curvy (none / 0) (#9)
by Adam Rightmann on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 01:36:44 PM PST
and womanly, indeed, most of the Catholic women I know are not thin. I think you're confusing cause and effect. Catholic girls in Scotland look malnourished and thin because of the failure of socialism; the UK can not feed itself, and must pay for food shipments with sales of precious artifacts, whereas in the US, our market-led farms produce an abundance of food, cheap and nutritious, and the only people rail thin here are homosexuals dying of AIDS and junkies.

A. Rightmann

That must be it. (none / 0) (#10)
by bc on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 01:46:53 PM PST
Catholics are notably workshy, and so here they depend on the welfare state for sustenance almost exclusively, while their protestant peers work hard for a living, displaying the presbyterean work ethic for which they are so renowned.

Existing on the poverty line with only state hand outs, they are thin and malnourished. In USia, they are forced to work in various service industries, and make enough money to afford a decent amount of junk food and sugared, carbonated drinks that will help them put on weight.

♥, bc.

Mmmmmmm. (none / 0) (#11)
by elenchos on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 02:30:15 PM PST
Thin Scottish Catholic girls. Yesssssssssss.

Do you put them in those uniforms there? I bet centuries of English rule have made them pliant to the core, no?

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

Sort of. (none / 0) (#12)
by bc on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 02:44:35 PM PST
Do you put them in those uniforms there?

Well, if they are working in such occupations as: Waitress, meter maid, policewoman, etc, then they do wear uniforms. They also wear uniforms when they are at school.

I bet centuries of English rule have made them pliant to the core, no?

No, but centuries of Scottish discrimination have made them somewhat disrespectful of authority. Additionally, they seperate themselves off into communities of their own, with their own schools and whatnot, paid for by the state. You'd think they thought they were above everybody else, or something.

♥, bc.

Hrm. Maybe a maid would do. (none / 0) (#13)
by elenchos on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 02:52:59 PM PST
Yes, a maid! Not some bossy policewoman (although I bet they fill the uniforms nicely). There was a Scotch maid in "Gosford Park" who I think would fit the bill, although she was not as thin as I'd prefer.

How are they fixed for money, generally?

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

They tend to be rather poor (none / 0) (#14)
by bc on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 03:05:03 PM PST
And from lowly industrial and service families.

Most Scottish Catholics are of Irish descent, from the 19th century, just like most Northern irish protestants are from Scottish descent. You know what 'Irish Catholic' means, right? The connotations? If not, here's a hint: images of drunken navvies raping respectable folks, Irish Republican Army bombs ripping apart innocent children, drunken sots terrorising early morning commuters with Danny Boy. These are the ghostly little images that should carouse like a leprechaun across your retina.

Now, the Scottish Catholic of Irish descent does not tend to be quite as bad as the real Irish article, but part of the reason for this is that we graciously let them rule us through democratic politics. make no doubt about it: as soon as we took away any of their rights, they would get as wantonly violent as their Northern Irish cousins!

You are best to keep away from them, elenchos. You will only do yourself harm with this folly.

♥, bc.

Alas. (none / 0) (#15)
by elenchos on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 03:11:52 PM PST
Well, back to hanging out behind the Jesuit high schools.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

Would you... (5.00 / 1) (#16)
by poltroon on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 04:32:44 PM PST
like me to rent you a maid, dear?

Just exploring the boundaries of my world. (5.00 / 1) (#17)
by elenchos on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 04:38:44 PM PST
That's what we Scientists do, you know. That's how we are always discovering new things.

I do, I do, I do
--Bikini Kill

Catholic school girls (none / 0) (#23)
by The dev0 on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 10:28:56 PM PST
Although I always seem to agree with your comments 100% Mr. Rightmann, I'm afraid I must disagree with this particular post. I have had experience with many catholic girls, and the words I think describe them accurately would be nasty sluts. There is something about being educated under strict catholic conditions which turns these unfortunate girls toward the sort of behaviour that would cause most porn stars to raise their eyebrows. Most I have known are lazy, selfish whores only out for personal satisfaction. But I suppose that's what you get for being an idolator instead of a true christian.

Bloody catholics.

Never fight naked, unless you're in prison...

I do hope (none / 0) (#24)
by jvance on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 11:12:00 PM PST
that your experience with these young Catholic girls was not carnal in nature. Because that would make you a fornicator[1], every bit as depraved in the eyes of the Lord as the unfortunate waifs you describe.

[1] or in the words of Brother Jed, a whoremonger.
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

Excerpt from Ford's Guide to Girls, Glossary (none / 0) (#28)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Mar 21st, 2002 at 01:58:27 PM PST
Joisey Goil: Def: young woman from New Jersey (though this is not necessary, see "Golden Twat"), usually of catholic or protestant upbringing. Desc: To the parents, this girl usually appears to be perfect. However, it is only because years of discipline have taught her how to appropriately decieve and control those around her, so long as their resolve and intelligence is below that of a nun. When frustrated by failed attempts at control or deception, a Joisey Goil will typically revert to anger or fits of crying. Comm: Beware of this strain of girl. There are over 20 variations on the Joisey Goil just on the eastern seaboard. This type is a subset of the Golden Twat. See Also: Golden Twat, Jewish Princess, Bitch (superset), Uppity Erudite Vegetarian, Dave's Mom

Hmmm (none / 0) (#20)
by jvance on Wed Mar 20th, 2002 at 07:58:33 PM PST
Wouldn't a mattress with a hole in it meet your essential requirements?
Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR


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