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best vaginal substitute?
Linux 21%
BSD 2%
BeOS 12%
MacOS 5%
Anus 57%

Votes: 73

 Nerdism Revealed

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Aug 16, 2002
The phenomenon of nerdism can be boiled down to the human impulse to tinker. Ever since primates first began to triumphantly wield tools to make their lives easier, there have been nerdy primates who have derived personal satisfaction from deconstructing, refining, and in some cases recreating those tools. While the prehistoric nerd would have had a dismally unfulfilled life, and probably would have flung himself into a chasm in dejection, the modern nerd frequently lives a long and marginally happy, albeit somewhat pathetic life.

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anti filidor

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In order to understand what causes nerdism, we must first look to the nerds themselves. The most obvious observation one could make is that nerds are statistically nearly always male. While nerds routinely come in a splendid variety of shapes and sizes and hues, it is rare to see a nerd of the fairer sex. Since we know that nerdism is the fascination with tools and systems, and we know that nerds are predominantly male, we would likely gain insight in asking ourselves why females are not so driven to tinker.

There is no basic mental difference between men and women, and so there is no reason to believe that women would be mentally any less tinker-inclined than men. Therefore, in order to determine the reason why there are so few female nerds, we must turn our attentions to the ways in which men and women are known to differ: the physical ways. Immediately, the answer becomes plain. Women do not need to glut their tendencies by tinkering with computers or cars or guns because of their reproductive systems, which require a great deal more attention and maintenance than those of their male counterparts. Simply put, women tinker with their parts, and so have no interest in tinkering with electronic substitutes.

Penises and testicles grow boring early on. They do not exhibit quirky, moody, fixable behavior. They hang loosely in a man's crotch and rarely get more attention than any other body part, and at those times tinkering is not foremost on the subject's mind. Particularly in the case of an circumsized penis, very little extra maintenance is ever needed. Contrast this, then, to the vagina, which must be carefully wiped after every use, and regularly cleaned to preserve womanly freshness. Females learn early in life that the vagina must be treated with respect, and in return they have the incomparable, primal joy of upkeep.

Women may contentedly seek non-nerdy sources of entertainment, safe in their knowledge that every month will bring them more new and exciting vaginal adventures. While some men profess to be unnerved or even disgusted by menstruation, their true feelings are probably closer to envy. Women, lucky women, may peruse those exotic aisles at the supermarket in search of feminine hygiene products, products that they need, they absolutely need, in order to keep their systems fully operational. Men never know the intimate thrill of personally dealing with menstruation by applying a tampon just in the nick of time, or the sense of deep personal satisfaction that comes with regularly eating yogurt and so having a yeast-infection free vagina for months or even years.

No, healthy men have no physical equivalents to the vagina, and so they have to settle for substitutes. These substitutes generally grow more and more complex the less interaction the man has with well-groomed vaginas, for even second-hand a vagina provides like nothing else can. So, while for the average, vaginally supplemented male, simply obtaining and having nifty gadgets will suffice, those who have little or no vaginal interaction will need more total surrogate vaginas. In terms of requiring regular attention and meticulous maintenance, only a computer system can match a vagina. And, for those truly dire cases of vaginal deprivation, it is necessary to run an unstable, exotic operating system like the Linux.

Linux is designed with the abject nerdist in mind. All of its code is open, so every nerd may feel that each line of code is part of him, an extension of his body; in reality, of course, almost no nerdists can actually understand computer code of any variety, and certainly would not be able to make anything of its intentionally obfuscated tangles. In addition, for most nerdists, it is not simply enough to have the toy and play with it. Just as women may knowingly giggle with each other and swap vagina stories and products, nerdist men may delight in swapping stories of their epic rescues of their corrupt, unjournaled filesystems, or of their ingenuity in using thermal paste to sooth their burning AMD processors.

Over time, the Linux computer will grow to be more to its nerdist than just a substitute for the tinkering rush that comes with vaginal contact. The nerdist, knowing that his chances of conventional procreation are limited to the illegal, will begin to channel his frustrated sexual energies into feverish futzing with his computer system. He will aspire to know everything about his computer. He will probably even acquire several computers in order to play a technologically enhanced, sexually charged version of the children's game "house," frequently referred to as "networking." He will bloat his computer cases by inserting loads of foreign hardware, hoping for his computer to reject his transplants so that he might lose himself in fixing it for hours on end, and for those few hours have the burden of his maddeningly functional penis lifted from his mind. In short, he'll be a hopeless, drooling nerd.

And now we know why it is unlikely that he will ever find a computer-obsessed female with whom to share his torment.


All a nerd needs to know about sex (4.00 / 2) (#2)
by because it isnt on Fri Aug 16th, 2002 at 06:49:05 PM PST
can be gleaned from It's delivered in tasty, manga-shaped pills.

Nerds who bend the other way can enjoy Jerkcity!. It has UNIX jokes! -- because it isn't

I hate to break it to you ... (none / 0) (#6)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Aug 17th, 2002 at 02:15:37 AM PST
...but jap comics suck. It's not enough that these people have tiny little penises, can't come to grips with their fascist history, and have run the economy of their country into the ground by being a nation of bureaucratic tightasses, they have to exacerbate matters by putting out the stupidest, most repetitve cartoon rubbish ever seen.

Non-japs who draw comic strips in the style of japs are exponentially worse. Whenever I see footage of the WTC attack being broadcast, I imagine the people jumping out of the windows are little anime fanboys. Then I feel happy.

It appears (none / 0) (#7)
by because it isnt on Sat Aug 17th, 2002 at 02:54:31 AM PST
that you are confusing substance with style. Well, I suppose I should expect it, this is Adequacy after all.

But the main purpose of comics is not to revel in their artwork, but to see beyond that and look at the joke within. Crunchy on the outside, smooth chewy centre. I mean, look at this. That's the boy's mother, for goodness' sake! Shocking! Absolutely shocking, and thrillingly controversial. -- because it isn't

That just proves my point (none / 0) (#11)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Aug 17th, 2002 at 12:12:45 PM PST
Whoever authored that comic strip you linked to is visibly so insecure that he feels the need to invoke cheap nervous giggles by ridiculing the perfectly natural impulse women feel to fellate their grown sons. The cartoonist has obviously had his mind shrivelled by a surfeit of jap manga sludge.

Perfectly normal. Just art imitating life. (none / 0) (#15)
by because it isnt on Sat Aug 17th, 2002 at 02:10:37 PM PST
There is a type of comedy known as 'observational comedy', where all the comedian has to do is to accentuate those little real-life situations that crop up all the time. Why only yesterday I had the hots for this cute necrophilliac (who works at a funeral parlour! How likely is that?) I was thinking about pretending to hang myself to get him to fall in love with me, but I lost my nerve at the last moment... imagine how funny it would be if I'd really gone through with it!

No, sorry, I don't buy it. You're just a sick pervert, AR... or should I say BUG-EYED EARL!!??!! -- because it isn't

Yawn... (3.50 / 2) (#3)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Aug 16th, 2002 at 07:36:51 PM PST
Another mis-informed, error-laden, hyperbolic piece of drivel written to piss off techies.

Been there, done that.

But's it got everything the Adequacy Reader needs: Wrong links, "Lunix", open source hysteria. You just forgot to mention "Lanas Torvouladas" or whatever the incorrect spelling is du jour

Ah, yes, the famously irascible c4$4|\|0\/4 (5.00 / 1) (#4)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Aug 16th, 2002 at 08:48:54 PM PST
It's none of our business how you conduct yourself in private so long as you remember that being a respectful human being teaches us the common courtesy of washing our hands after playing with the Linux, OK, Giacomo?

% man finger
man: fuck off, chubby.

If only.

Casanova? Giacomo? Huh? (none / 0) (#13)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Aug 17th, 2002 at 01:46:59 PM PST

You, sir, are a fool. (4.00 / 1) (#9)
by anti filidor on Sat Aug 17th, 2002 at 09:55:21 AM PST
Only a fool would confuse Linux with Lunix, the alternative C64 operating system.

Though spelling is clearly not your strong suit, I exhort you to at least make an effort to spell Linus Torvalds' name correctly. Copy and paste it from your favorite D&D discussion board if you must.

Finally, "open source hysteria" is one of the least artful attempts by a nerdist to equate computers with the female reproductive system that I've seen. Though it supports my article, that does not make it any less pathetic for me to behold.

"an circumsized"? (none / 0) (#14)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Aug 17th, 2002 at 01:51:52 PM PST
Clearly, the use indefinite articles is not your strong suit.

Thank you. (5.00 / 2) (#16)
by anti filidor on Sat Aug 17th, 2002 at 02:58:33 PM PST
Sir or madam, I thank you for reading my article so closely that you were able to detect such a minute typo.

I am lucky that I only had to read your short comment to zing you back. Your sentence should read "Clearly, the use [of] indefinite articles is not your strong suit."

Clearly, pedantry is not your strong suit. Stick to kernel-hacking and self-loathing.

I wish to offer a dissention to the article (4.66 / 3) (#5)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Aug 17th, 2002 at 01:23:59 AM PST
I ama living contradicition of the conclusions you have reached about Linux using individuals. I am an enthusiastic Linux user and I regularly have sex with my female partner. Since I am a male, that makes me by deductive reasoning a sexually active male computer user who uses Linux.

My female companion and I engage in sex acts on a regular basis, following a schedule that we have developed after careful consultation of our work schedules and detailed analysis of our circadian rhythms. Our computers in fact play an active role in our roles as sexual beings, thanks to the cron scripts which signal to us the set time during which to perform intercourse

Our sexual couplings consist of a series of pleasurable acts: some such acts are mutually satisfying in a sexual manner, others consist of one member of our partnership pleasuring the other through the use of various body parts or devices designed for such a purpose. All of the activities in our sexual congress are agreed upon by both partners after careful negotiaton and critical discussion, in order to arrive at a sequence of acts which produce maximum carnal satisfaction to both partners.

The evidence I have given thus decisively contradicts the article's assumption that all computer enthusiasts are immature celibates seeking to sublimate their ever-frustrated sexual impulses. As my own case exemplifies, computer users are as much as anyone else quite capable of enjoying hot throbbing sex.

Transvestite lover != girlfriend (none / 0) (#10)
by anti filidor on Sat Aug 17th, 2002 at 10:00:58 AM PST
Now please put your penis back in your pants, and thenn wash your hands.

And, while I'm here, this post to which I respond should serve to remind us all of why a license should be required before someone may use a thesaurus.

You gotta admit... (none / 0) (#12)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Aug 17th, 2002 at 12:32:26 PM PST
Multiply inheriting from the super classes SquishyParts and NoDifficultHormones is obviously very rational. Although Linux does not support multiple class inheritance, it does provide multiple inheritance of interfaces. Interfaces support the essential semantics for upcasting at the cost of (singly inherited) implementation classes such as those found in Stuff.This.At.Looking.For.Hell.To.Going.Im.Me.Shoot.Please.Binaries.Alt.class

Your couple's situation != His couple's situation (none / 0) (#19)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Aug 27th, 2002 at 07:28:22 AM PST
Now what you seemingly fail to realize is the following: People, nowadays, live various lifestyles, and therefore, don't neccesarly have a transvestite lover like you. You have to be open-minded to those different lifestyles such as having a woman as a lover. Although not being used to spend time with one might taint your view on the matter, there still is hope that, despite your taste for transvestites, which is legit, you'll see the light and figure out the difference amongst people.

the false man shall burn (5.00 / 1) (#8)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Aug 17th, 2002 at 04:41:06 AM PST
the righteous man will stand.

and a little liar like you will get a tennis elbow from your 24/7 masturbation orgies.

the average male height in USA is 4 inches lower than in europe... dont give me that crazy looks some years ahead your gonna be dead in a heart trauma or shot by your son nah bow

Only because we have to include *all* those Mexic- (none / 0) (#18)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Aug 19th, 2002 at 05:45:17 AM PST

Apples and Oranges. We don't compare hygene between the US and Europe and include the French. You should give us the same option. Please leave out Mexicans.


Please do more research. (none / 0) (#17)
by Anonymous Reader on Sun Aug 18th, 2002 at 05:25:17 PM PST
The operating system you refer to is spelled Lunix, not Linux. Please endeavour to correct this error in the future.


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