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Best Gang?
Crips 4%
Bloods 8%
Mafia 37%
Fat Albert & Co. 16%
Sesame Street 32%

Votes: 83

 Save America's Gangs

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Apr 15, 2002

As anyone can see, the American government is on the decline. The populace is increasingly apathetic and aphasic, incontinently electing worse and then yet still worse politicians to lead. Judging from our current trajectory, the collapse will most likely come in the form of a gentle, virtually bloodless transition from republic to empire, a whispered clash between two, or perhaps three armies of bureaucrats all but completely shielded from the public.


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anti filidor

Nerdism Revealed

To some, this would be acceptable. These people would claim that violence is to be avoided at all costs, save for their parents ceasing to pay for college. I propose that personal liberty is too dear a privilege to be forsaken just to avoid some violence. Moreover, I propose that violence is, in fact, the only foil for an American Empire.

But we are in no position to resist. The state of the average american is appalling. Even those who are not too fat to fight lack the motivation. It is with a heavy heart that I conclude that with no extraneous stimulus, the American populace would aquiesce with barely more than an indifferent shudder, a shrug, and a grope for the remote. We cannot rely on this brand of person to take action against tyranny (or at all?) until it is far too late.

And, further, even if we had the physical capabilities and the mindset to resist, we are woefully unprepared. There are only two viable ways to remedy this situation, and ultimately only one good way. The first, less appealing way, would be to coordinate, uniting under a man (or woman) of the people who would lead us to popular victory. This sounds romantic, but it is risibly unfeasible. Firstly, it is entirely unimplementable, as American civilians would be all but impossible to unify without serious (i.e., debilitating) compromise, and a military movement requires absolute unity to fully succeed. Secondly, there is very little to distinguish this populist army from a non-populist army once the battle is over; can we possibly trust one person, or even one small group of persons with the task of reinstituting a fallen system?

The sad truth is that representative government must naturally grow from a discontent but responsible population. The American Republic has outgrown its humble origins. When it at last fails us, we should not look to reinstate it or to revise it, but rather to regroup ourselves into many smaller entities, each held in check by the diffuse might of the others combined. Since we can eschew the goal of eventual unity, we are left with a much more appealing option for violent resistance against the imperialists.

We are all familiar with the concept of gangs. Usually we associate them with the unpleasant notion of organized crime, but in many cities they are self-governing enclaves, unmolested and untaxed states operating within the union, but generally without its interference. Sadly, our nation's gangs are in disrepair. Most are so intimately embroiled with the drug trade that they are enfeebled by their own wares; lacking both prestige and potency, they rely on adolescents to swell their always-dwindling ranks.

We cannot continue to allow our gangs to suffer so. In the coming collapse, our gangs could be our local security forces. We most likely will not be able to rely on our police forces to be much protection for two reasons. The first is a practical matter: without proper funding, a police force collapses. A gang is a self-supporting army, capable of making its own money. The second is a strategic concern: the police force's weaponry and capabilities are well known to the public. Anyone can obtain this information, so we must assume our enemies would be intelligent enough to do so. Of course, whatever can be integrated from the police forces into the local gang forces should be, but it would be folly to rely on police armaments alone.

No, we must support our nation's gangs if we are to survive. You can do much to aid in this. Among the many problems facing our gangs is a distinct shortage of truly capable individuals. If you have valuable skills (and now is no time for modesty), join your local gang. If possible, share your knowledge with your associates, so that they too may share it in turn. It is especially important for white people to take the initiative to join gangs too. At present, it is too difficult to categorize gangs as a minority phenomenon--racial integration is crucial if gangs are to be widely accepted as the blessing that they are. If you have no valuable skills and instead opted to have children, then donate them and continue to procreate. Every army needs cannon fodder.

If there is no formidable gang in your area, then start one of your own. This is quite easy to do if you wish to do it. You should quit your job, as running a gang is likely to be far more lucrative. The ideal way to start is to join another gang and siphon off some colleagues (making sure to leave the territory of your former gang with great haste!), but if that is not a possibility then you need only to go to your local ghetto or strip mall and casually recruit. Focus on the profitability and personal security afforded by membership in a gang; leave the revolutionary rhetoric for when it's needed (it will be sooner than you think).

Once you have your gang, focus on profitability, and transform as much of your profits as possible (without hampering growth) into raw weaponry. The wars of the future will be fought with small arms, and right now we are inadequately equipped. Remember that violence is the aim. We will need to force the enemy's hand and demand violent resolution if we are to have any chance at victory.

Even if you are too pathetic to actively participate in the forces of liberty, you can still make a difference. Remember that our current government is not the enemy, and while it is crumbling into a state of impotence, it is not there yet. Let us use this resource to our utmost advantage. Pressure your local and federal officials to ease up on monitoring and subduing gangs. Even unfettered by legal wrangling a gang can be a very difficult type of organization to run; we must do everything in our power to disentangle our nation's gangs from the wiry hooks of what is ironically called "organized" law enforcement. If you are even too timid to do that, you can still help by introducing your friends and family (if you have them) to the untapped potential utility of the gangs.


Attn editors (none / 0) (#2)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Apr 15th, 2002 at 11:10:16 AM PST
While this is a fine article, please run a spell-checker over it. You would pick up "beaureaucrats", for example. Perhaps the authors finds small-minded office workers to be amiable and outgoing, but the fact is that's not the way America sees it.

As for "best gang", it's obviously the Jets, isn't it.


Pointing out flaws in comments (none / 0) (#7)
by Uncanny Vortex on Mon Apr 15th, 2002 at 03:08:52 PM PST
Mr. Riff,

While your reply is relevant, please check your punctuation (and your use of plurals) before you check the spelling of others.

Perhaps the authors finds small-minded office workers to be amiable

Did you mean "authors find"? or "author finds"? I am at a loss.

it's obviously the Jets, isn't it.

I believe you meant to end that sentence with a question mark rather than a period. Perhaps I am mistaken, and your knowledge of punctuation is less far-reaching than I had anticipated.

-- Uncanny Vortex

flaws (none / 0) (#11)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Apr 16th, 2002 at 04:36:03 AM PST
Did you mean "authors find"? or "author finds"? I am at a loss

Good spotting, citizen!

I believe you meant to end that sentence with a question mark rather than a period.

Correct, although "isn't it", etc, mark a deadpan rhetorical question and may be pronounced without a question mark. I mean, it's got to be Beckham, hasn't it, he's the only one who can win us the cup.

Detective Inspector A Touch Of Frost

This sentence is not correct, is it. (5.00 / 1) (#13)
by Uncanny Vortex on Tue Apr 16th, 2002 at 01:09:05 PM PST
"isn't it", etc, mark a deadpan rhetorical question and may be pronounced without a question mark.

I beg to differ, Major English, sir.

"Rhetorical questions (asked when an answer is not really expected) [...] are questions and deserve to end with a question mark..." (Prof. Charles Darling, Capital Community College)

"Use a question mark to end an interrogative sentence, even if it is a rhetorical question (e.g., 'What kind of world would that be?')..." (English Department, Univ. of Calgary)

Need I go on?

-- Uncanny Vortex

Egg on my face (none / 0) (#16)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Apr 16th, 2002 at 08:06:54 PM PST
Apparently I mistook the word "pronounced" in your comment for "spelled". You are correct of course.

I take these matters seriously, as should we all.

-- Uncanny Vortex (posting as AR again; left my assword at the office)

You've done that joke already. (none / 0) (#17)
by because it isnt on Wed Apr 17th, 2002 at 09:55:02 AM PST
As have I. -- because it isn't

good grief (none / 0) (#14)
by gohomeandshoveit on Tue Apr 16th, 2002 at 02:54:23 PM PST
While I do appreciate the importance of proper spelling and grammar usage, it is not such a huge deal that one must go on and on about a particular mistake. I propose that the two feuding parties agree to shut up about simple mistakes and/or typographical errors. Does that sound fair?

Best wishes,

re: good grief (5.00 / 1) (#15)
by Uncanny Vortex on Tue Apr 16th, 2002 at 03:14:37 PM PST
Does that sound fair?

No, it hardly seems fair to silence those who would dispute these grave matters. A typographical error can destroy the credibility of any communique. The quality of English usage in this modern society has greatly declined, and there are many like yourself who would have us forget what is proper.

I propose that the feuding parties continue to post off-topic comments debating minor points of grammatical usage.

-- Uncanny Vortex

Good News (none / 0) (#3)
by GhostDog on Mon Apr 15th, 2002 at 11:34:25 AM PST
It's really wonderful to hear that the word is spreading on this issue. Gangs can help us to become self sufficient beings with a well rounded sense of self esteem. Look for programs in your neighborhood to get started.

Indeed (none / 0) (#4)
by Right Hand Man on Mon Apr 15th, 2002 at 12:41:46 PM PST
Let us use this resource to our utmost advantage is the key to success in this endeavor.

The Federal Government is more than willing to train virtually anyone, even the seemingly incompetent, to kill other human beings. This is one of the few areas where I feel our government is performing Adequately.

Look at the quality of work they perform. This training is free of charge and every single person that lives through it can shoot well enough to hit a man sized target at a couple of hundred meters.

Impress upon these gang members that if they pull up their pants and turn down the down the rap music the US military would be more than willing to turn them into a killing machine capable of knocking over several key political figures, if not toppling the entire government.

"Keep your bible open and your powder dry."

Wow. (none / 0) (#5)
by DeepOmega on Mon Apr 15th, 2002 at 01:23:39 PM PST
Right Hand Man is correct. The US military is really not that picky about who it accepts, and it does what it does very well. The one key problem that would-be revolutionaries might have is the fact that they'd essentially be working for their enemy until either they finished their service or the proposed war against the "American Empire" began. It'd be hard to find volunteers for this, especially since the people interested in training to revolt against the establishment are rarely talented in the ways of disguising their beliefs and emotions. Hell, the revolutionaries are usually the loudest and most outspoken. However, if a large group of people were willing to be trained in this way, they'd make a powerful army indeed.

Reminds me of Ice T (none / 0) (#8)
by First Incision on Mon Apr 15th, 2002 at 04:08:33 PM PST
Ice T, the famous gangsta rapper, pimp and drug dealer spent 4 years in the U.S. Army.

Once during an interview, he commented on his large gun collection, but still missed his old recoilless rifle.

I'm not sure what my point is. He is a gangsta rapper, and not an actual gangsta.

But maybe it is widespread knowledge among gangsters that you need the Army if you want learn how to shoot anything bigger than a Mac-10
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

Where do I sign up? (5.00 / 2) (#6)
by KingAzzy on Mon Apr 15th, 2002 at 02:59:46 PM PST

I am a 30 year old white computer programmer. I weigh 145 pounds and enjoy playing Diablo 2. I would like to become a GANGSTER! Could you please refer me to the local recruiting department for a good gang here in LA? I could
help them HACK LINUX!!! w3rd

thnaks okbye

KING ASSY HAS A POSSE. (none / 0) (#10)
by because it isnt on Tue Apr 16th, 2002 at 04:26:17 AM PST
5'2". 145 POUNDS -- because it isn't

Well that settles it. (none / 0) (#9)
by First Incision on Mon Apr 15th, 2002 at 04:26:29 PM PST
There's only one good career option left for me: Trauma Surgery.

All gun shot wounds must be reported to the police. I think I would still keep a legitimate job at a hospital (at least before the collapse). But I can see the advantages of allying myself with a gang and patching GSW's under the table. In fact, I bet a large gang has all kinds of medical needs. I suppose I could also help with addictions, long-term care of spinal injury patients, and maybe even advise on torture.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

Would you be interested (none / 0) (#12)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Apr 16th, 2002 at 06:08:04 AM PST
in franchising this approach?


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