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Which is worse?
A Libertarian 29%
An ex-Libertarian Republican 17%
An ex-Libertarian ex-Republican Independent 23%
An ex-Libertarian ex-Republican Independent Voterist M.D. 29%

Votes: 17

 Kill Yr Idols: The American Electorate

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Jun 12, 2002
From the face of the brochure, the politician stares at you. His eyes are pleading, desperate, but hopeful. His mouth is solemn and his expression is stern. His hands are clasped prayerfully. This is a portrait of supplication, of humbleness, but most of all, this is a portrait of faith. This politician is praying to the only gods he now knows: American voters.

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First Incision

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And God spake all these words, saying, I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.

Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

Exodus 20:1-6

Jimmy Blake M.D. is a former Libertarian and a former member of the Birmingham, Alabama City Council. He is now a Republican and desperately wants to be a candidate for the Jefferson County Commission. I will spare you the boring details, but this man thinks he should be in the Republican primary. He isn't. Like many desperate men before him, he has turned to religion. His moving portrait appears on a mass-mailed petition for his inclusion on the ballot as an independent candidate. He has directed his prayerful request for intercession to his false deities, the voters of Jefferson County, Alabama, USA.

In the Ten Commandments, Our Lord makes it quite clear how important it is to worship Him and only Him. He states this right from the start. This commandment is central to the entire body of Judeo-Islamo-Christian practice. If you are not worshiping the one true God, then obviously you are on the wrong track altogether. Elected officials are generally considered men and women of Faith; most politicians (at least Republican ones) are quite vocal about their devotion to the Lord Almighty. So why do these normally upstanding Christians go astray and delve into the dark world of Voterism? What is this disturbing new cult?

Voterism is growing at an alarming rate. The practice is most popular among politicians or persons working in the political field, but some of its adherents include pollsters and journalists. Voterism incorporates many paganistic qualities, such as the worship of demiurges. Such demiurges include the Soccer Mom, the Angry White Male, and the Racial Minority. Voterists expend great effort in divining the will of these demiurges, and finding ways to appease them.

In retrospect, it is easy to see why so many politicians fell into the trap of Voterism. The electorate is all-powerful over the politician's life. The voters decide if the politician is favored or unfavored, if he has power or shame. Verily, the voters decide if the politician will even be able to feed his family! The whims of the constituency are fickle. Woe be to any politician if the desires of the populace are not appeased! Yet these desires remain mysterious and unfathomable. Pollsters, such as necromancers, use dark practices like numerology to divine the will of the people. But the messages obtained are often clouded and conflicting. The divinations of the pollsters swing wildly from week to week, and the politicians are left thrashing about in a sea of confusion. It is no wonder that Voterist politicians confuse the electorate with a powerful god.

So what is to be done? I propose that politicians need even more influence from powerful multinational corporations. Many scarred leftivist veterans of the "Battle in Seattle" have decried the large influence corporations hold over lawmakers. While this solution of increased corporate influence may be unpalatable, it is quite necessary. We are dealing with nothing less than immortal human souls, on the path to damnation! It is widely known that well-financed candidates can purchase their positions with well-placed advertisements and well-executed assassinations. This money will give the politician power to control the electorate, rather than the other way around.

Skeptics may say that the politicians will mistake the corporations for gods. I doubt this will happen. The corporations are immediate, earthly and comprehensible. They distribute power in the non-magic form of money. Corporations' wants are constant and are appeased by simple things like higher taxes and lower tariffs. Corporations do not demand mystical things like integrity or human rights. Yes, it is possible that more corporate money may have deleterious effects on the US political system. But we must not forget the poor souls of Voterist politicians! The very salvation of these men and women is at stake. I call on all owners of multinational corporations to increase your political donations today!


If it works anwhere, AL it will be (1.00 / 1) (#1)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Jun 12th, 2002 at 01:49:22 PM PST

Corporations as gods? (3.50 / 2) (#2)
by jbryce on Wed Jun 12th, 2002 at 03:26:10 PM PST
Corporations do want changes to the tax system and so on, but that is not the only thing. They also want regulations that are favourable to them. Of course, what is favourable to one corporation is often not favourable to another. You only need to look at the disagreements between Microsoft and Intel on the one hand, and Hollywood and the Record companies on the other over what controls should be put in place to stop music and film piracy.

I think you missed the point. (none / 0) (#3)
by hauntedattics on Wed Jun 12th, 2002 at 06:03:51 PM PST
Read the last two paragraphs of Mr. Incision's fine article and try again.

The Electorate (3.33 / 3) (#4)
by NoahVale on Thu Jun 13th, 2002 at 09:55:13 PM PST
... is an unnecessary impediment to democracy.
Remove it.

is this site for real (none / 0) (#5)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Jun 25th, 2002 at 05:13:30 PM PST
are you guys sure this isnt a brach of

this 'one true god' idea... (none / 0) (#6)
by Mr Somebody on Thu Jun 27th, 2002 at 02:45:49 AM PST
could you run that past me one more time?

OK.... (none / 0) (#7)
by because it isnt on Thu Jun 27th, 2002 at 11:52:17 AM PST
There is only One True God. Jimmy Blake sees Him every morning when he looks in the mirror. -- because it isn't


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