Active recruiting

Yes, that's right, it's not just a medical condition, it is a political movement! For the low, low price of two years of your life and six to ten thousand dollars, you can get the nip and tuck which everyone is talking about!

Afraid about the loss of civil rights? Don't be! Electronic music pioneer Walter Carlos wasn't afraid, and now Wendy is one of the most respected musicians in the world!

Afraid of becoming a pariah? Don't be! Most people in this world are very tolerant, and getting to "freak out" religious types is all part of the fun! And what's more, once you're a member of the transsexual movement, you are able to recruit others for its ever-growing ranks of hedonism and debauchery! Plus, you get to bridge the gender gap and get a whole new set of friends - your social life will double! Go to twice as many parties with twice the gender roles to fill!

"But wait," you say! "I was born a woman!" That is no problem! The procedure goes both ways! Ladies, are you tired of not being able to read maps, navigate without asking directions, or pee standing up? This is your chance!

What's that you say? "But I'm afraid of a long-term commitment!" Then don't worry! You can have the next-best thing - you can be a transvestite, also known as a drag queen! After all, transvestism and transsexuality are the same thing - a sexual fetish! It's so easy to do that we're giving away this guide!

Find the most exotic clothing you can - you are a special individual (which is why you're joining this movement), and so you should wear clothes that express that! Go wild - feather boas, fishnet stockings, stiletto heels - don't worry if you never actually see real women dress like that, because you're not a real woman!
Wear a lot of makeup!
Talk in a falsetto voice! Nobody can tell you're male if you're squeaking like Mickey Mouse!
Act like a stereotypical woman! Show how much you love to cook and shop for shoes while saying how hard mathematics is! Pretend that you have an aversion to computers! Refuse to do any sort of physical exersion - after all, real women are weak and timid creatures, so you should be too!
Buy shoes! Lots and lots of shoes!
Take on an interesting name! Puns like "Amanda B. Reckonedwith" and "Pat E. Cakes" work very well to your favor, as do exotic names like "Shasta" and "Elvira!"
For bonus points, become a total feminist bitch and a polyamorous pagan nature-worshipper!
Become infatuated with anything even remotely transgender-related!
Talk in a lisp!
If you can't find or afford exotic stripper clothing, dress like your grandmother, the absolute epitome of femininity!

Remember the other benefits of becoming a transsexual! You can appear on Jerry Springer whenever you want - you'll be an international superstar! In fact, because Jerry Springer is broadcast over the air, you will undoubtedly be an intergalactic superstar as the broadcasts spread across the known universe!

"But will it hurt?" The answer is no - you will be anaesthetized!

What are you waiting for? Improve your social standing - opportunity awaits! Don't delay, sign up today!

	You're sick. (2.66 / 3) (#5)
	by Anonymous Reader on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 10:36:49 AM PST

	I know that you do purport to be a part of this movement. I think it's insane to want to have your balls cut off. If anyone thinks they were born a woman, they just have to look down. If you see a vertical slit with some protusions and hair surrounding it, you are a woman. If you have a long (or short, in the case of most adequacy readers) tube of meat hanging down with a funny looking skin bag with a couple oversized beans in it, then you're male. You could also go to a doctor and let them find out, as every woman as XX chromosomes, and every man has XY chromosomes.* If you end up neither male nor female, you are a freak and God hates you. You are a perverse creation of Satan. Dressing up like a woman is not fun either. God did not create men to wear g-strings and shop at Fredericks of Hollywood. Men are to buy tshirts and jeans. Men are to have holes in their underwear, and sweat stains on their shirts. That is the way God intended it. Therefore, unless you enjoy being an abomination before THE LORD please continue being either a man or a woman. You can't change now. If you really wanted to be a woman so badly you should have let the sperm with the X chromosome beside you get to the egg first. * Fuck off.

	I have to ask... (3.00 / 2) (#6)
	by tkatchev on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 11:29:45 AM PST

	Does it really matter? In actuality, there is very little difference between male and female members of our species. Like it or not, but people are not animals; humans are God's special creation, we were given the gift of choice. We can transcend our animal nature if we wish. (Which is, thankfully, a goal that most people try to achieve. Except some satanists and g**ks.) -- Peace and much love...

	You have serious problems. (3.00 / 1) (#10)
	by Anonymous Reader on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 02:16:06 PM PST

	Most people learn about the differences between males and females early on in life. I see that Russian schools and your parents have failed you, as has your common sense. Personally, I can tell some big differences in the female and male bodies. Maybe you just date the wrong women. Find some with large breasts, nice curves, and a vagina. If she doesn't let you find out about the last part, set up a spy camera in her home so you can watch her make peepee.

	Babushkas! (1.00 / 4) (#11)
	by Anonymous Reader on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 02:36:14 PM PST

	Had you seen many Russian women up close, you would understand his confusion. Most of these Russian babushkas are most definately a bit masculine looking.

	I am sorry... (none / 0) (#14)
	by fluffy grue on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 05:07:58 PM PST

	I did not realize that having a medical condition which I have no control over was such an evil thing. I'll go kill myself now; thanks for pointing out that I have no right to exist! I'll stop wasting your precious oxygen. -- meep

	Fucking idiot. (4.00 / 2) (#18)
	by tkatchev on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 09:22:10 PM PST

	Steps to success: Read my post again. Learn to read. Go kill yourself. Thanks. You may now go back to surfing for manga porn in your highschool computer lab. -- Peace and much love...

	umm (none / 0) (#22)
	by crayz on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 10:11:13 PM PST

	shouldn't steps 1 and 2 be reversed?

	No. (none / 0) (#31)
	by tkatchev on Tue Nov 20th, 2001 at 01:35:56 AM PST

	It's a "post-modernist" flame. That sort of thing is popular over here in decadent Europe. -- Peace and much love...

	Europe? (none / 0) (#37)
	by nathan on Tue Nov 20th, 2001 at 09:19:29 AM PST

	Russia is at least half Asian. Nathan -- Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

	Maybe... (none / 0) (#39)
	by hauntedattics on Tue Nov 20th, 2001 at 10:20:23 AM PST

	even 2/3, if you draw the line at the Urals.

	I hate to bring this up... (none / 0) (#28)
	by Anonymous Reader on Tue Nov 20th, 2001 at 12:35:47 AM PST

	But, apparrently in recent dialogues with higher order primates there has been discussion of gender reassignment. This just once again proves that monkeys are almost as fucked up as God's special creatures.

	Please take your ignorance to /. (5.00 / 1) (#9)
	by Adam Rightmann on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 12:03:23 PM PST

	You are an affront to this site devoted to news for grown-ups. I will give you a parting clue, women do not like to shop at Frederick's of Hollywoods, the cheap lace they use scratches. Also, given a choice, most women prefer sweat pants or flannels. PErhaps some day when you are lucky enough to be in a state of wedded bliss, you will remember your ignorance. A. Rightmann

	Ooh! Ooh! (4.00 / 2) (#7)
	by ana on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 11:42:51 AM PST

	Me! Tolerate me! Er... anyway, exclude me in. Or something. Why not?

	Come on, now... (5.00 / 1) (#17)
	by Winter on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 07:03:32 PM PST

	You've joined long ago, i assure you.

	heh, (none / 0) (#42)
	by nathan on Tue Nov 20th, 2001 at 12:14:21 PM PST

	I meant by ethnicity. Nathan -- Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

	Um, no. (none / 0) (#50)
	by tkatchev on Tue Nov 20th, 2001 at 11:25:00 PM PST

	Depends on where you live. (Please don't confuse Russia the government vs. Russia the nation, OK?) -- Peace and much love...

	Um... (5.00 / 1) (#35)
	by ana on Tue Nov 20th, 2001 at 09:10:41 AM PST

	Thanks (I think) Why not?

	*You already* pee standing up** (none / 0) (#23)
	by Anonymous Reader on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 10:18:20 PM PST

	It's been documented. All you need now is a fab new drag queen name like "Oil Filter" or "Soul Eater" or... uh... man, do I suck at thinking up drag queen names.

	OK. (none / 0) (#43)
	by Anonymous Reader on Tue Nov 20th, 2001 at 01:43:21 PM PST

	You know who this is.

	get yerself a name (none / 0) (#44)
	by ana on Tue Nov 20th, 2001 at 01:51:09 PM PST

	Take two, they're cheap. Why not?

	Actually... (4.75 / 4) (#8)
	by hauntedattics on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 11:53:58 AM PST

	apparently, women CAN pee standing up. This was discussed in a diary entry of mine awhile back... which I am, of course, too lazy to link to.

	The resource you are looking for (4.00 / 1) (#12)
	by nathan on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 03:01:55 PM PST

	Right here. Anyone try this yet? Nathan... hmmm. -- Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

	Yes they can (3.00 / 1) (#13)
	by FifthVandal on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 03:32:25 PM PST

	I actually saw a scene of a woman peeing standing up in the classic German art film 'Villa of 1000 Sins'. --- I was the fifth vandal on the grassy knoll!

	Be careful! (none / 0) (#16)
	by fluffy grue on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 06:14:25 PM PST

	I'll clue you in on something, since you seem nice enough. This is a common falsehood spread by transsexuals such as myself to disarm you about the truth - we're everywhere. -- meep

	Women: A Ridiculous Liberal Myth (5.00 / 3) (#26)
	by moriveth on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 11:50:55 PM PST

	Thank you, fluffy, for opening my eyes. All the pieces of the puzzle finally fall into place: The curious irrelevance of "women" in history before the 20th century, almost as if they had been penned in after the fact. The mysterious nonverbal signals of these "women," which are yet perfectly understandable to their co-conspirators. The uncontrollable attraction normal men feel towards these creatures, seemingly engineered to entice the eye. Their strange preference for well-muscled yet dim, unsuspicious, easily manipulated men. The scope of the transsexual conspiracy staggers me, even as I am relieved that my repeated failures at attracting "women" were because of my obvious perspicacity rather than any personal lackings.

	nitpick (5.00 / 1) (#36)
	by nathan on Tue Nov 20th, 2001 at 09:18:36 AM PST

	"transexualist" conspiracy, please. Nathan -- Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

	Yes (1.00 / 1) (#27)
	by Anonymous Reader on Tue Nov 20th, 2001 at 12:29:27 AM PST

	Yes, this is actually quite true. I used to take showers with my girlfriend, and often I would look down to see a stream of yellow running down my leg. I've heard this proves Freud's theory of penis envy.

	Whilst she's never pissed down my leg (5.00 / 1) (#38)
	by noah Oneye on Tue Nov 20th, 2001 at 10:12:30 AM PST

	my girlfriend has also demonstrated her ability to pee standing up. I was brushing my teeth at the time, and quite impressed. She's been doing it for years in dirty bathrooms, just so's you know... "...and in your free time you can make me sandwiches..."

	makes you wonder (none / 0) (#40)
	by nathan on Tue Nov 20th, 2001 at 11:35:29 AM PST

	why more women don't just stand to pee. The answer, of course, is male oppression. Nathan -- Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

	The other answer (5.00 / 2) (#45)
	by hauntedattics on Tue Nov 20th, 2001 at 02:25:13 PM PST

	is, of course, that we're not all as talented as noah oneye's girlfriend. But I think male oppression is the real reason. It's also the reason there are more stalls in male public bathrooms out there. Chicks everywhere - throw off the yoke and use the Men's!

	more stalls in the gents? (none / 0) (#48)
	by nathan on Tue Nov 20th, 2001 at 03:40:31 PM PST

	Not that I have any basis for comparison, but this seems a little strange. Most urinals are not in stalls. Nathan -- Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

	No, see... (none / 0) (#51)
	by hauntedattics on Wed Nov 21st, 2001 at 10:30:15 AM PST

	You have stalls AND urinals, whereas we just have stalls.

	Don't forget some of the fringe! (4.66 / 3) (#15)
	by Winter on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 05:28:26 PM PST

	For those who aren't daring enough to join the full-fledged movement there are middle grounds, such as androgyny- just don't pick a side. You can be "edgy" while being "safe"- and as a bonus, you can complain about either gender with relative impunity! Plus you can complain when people try to assign you specific genders, further confusing them. Yes, the 'gay' movement just isn't on the edge anymore- it's time to move on.

	We need more genders. (4.00 / 1) (#19)
	by Chocolate Milkshake on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 09:23:13 PM PST

	I think the central problem here is that as human beings, we only have two genders to choose from. You can be male, female, or a combiantion of the two. How unimaginative. Given the wonderful things currently possible with scientific technology, it should not be all that difficult for scientists to come up with several more genders. That way, people could engage in five- or six-way sexual activities, thereby begetting children with multiple parents. Think of the evolutionary advantage to be gained from combining six people's chromosomes in a single individual! Think also of the interesting new genital forms that could be devised! Yes, the possibilites are truly delightful. Sadly those few of our tax dollars that are invested in science, monies that could be spent developing fascinating new designer sexes, are instead squandered on useless space stations. Feh.