I am trying to convince my sister to allow my nephew to play football in a Pop Warner League, but she thinks it's too dangerous. She is willing to let him play soccer, but that's such an unamerican sport. She's a regular reader of your column, perhaps you can convince her.

Old Tight End in Toledo

Dear Tight,

It's a sure sign of our moral degeneracy that there is even any doubt as to the worth of the right kind of organized sports, of which football is a prime example. While I can expound on length, I will save that for a future column, and just give you the highlights.

• Health and Vitality Sports encourages a healthy body. Perhaps you've noticed the pathetic physical condition of many of today's youth; pale, flabby, fat, poor posture. All indicative of too much time spent hunched over the keyboard, instead of running and playing in the sunshine. In the words of dear my alma maters football coach, Father Murphy, "Is there no better proof of the magnificence of God than in a muscular young man, all dewy with sweat?"
• Teamwork In organized sports, you learn the value of teamwork. Even hacker darling Linux Torvaldes had the help of hundreds of newsgroup hackers, and the backing of the Soviet Union. More optimistically, would the True Church have lasted this long without being a team? And related to teamwork is...
• Hierarchy Proper sports teach a heirarchy, the most efficient form of organizing more than 100 humans. In football, the quarterback is usually the most important member of the team, and good teammates will sacrifice themselves to protect the quarterback. A valuable lesson indeed.
• Knowing your place In a heirarchy, it's important to know your place, and be happy in it. Even if you're a pale, 100 pound skinny runt, the football team needs a water boy, a dirty uniform collector, and even return squad specialists.
• Competitiveness A true sport emphasizes winning, winning fairly and ethically, but winning. Is there a more horrendous joke than the current emphasis on having fun without the goal of winning? In the end, God wants you victorious over Satan, not being a good sport with the Prince of Lies.

Dear Adam,

I have attained a level of considerable success in the financial field, and I would like to reward myself. With my recent promotion to Night Shift Supervisor of Custodial Engineering at XXXXXXXXX, Inc, I realized I now have several hundred dollars a month extra. Now, many of my peers would be looking at a new F250, or perhaps a bass boat, and no one would criticize them for it. I myself would rather look into some lovin' on the side, a mistress you might say. I know Sue-Anne at the Pick'n'Pay is having trouble with her double-wide payments since her old man got popped for that meth lab, and Shirley at the lounge could always use a few extra bucks. I do have a nice bunch of kids, and the missus aint bad, but after 5 kids sometimes I feel like a 302 cylinder in a 427 block, if you catch my drift.

But is there an ethical problem here? I'm spending my money on something for me, and I'll never get caught, heck, my friends say I'm slick enough to steal a doughnut from a cop. I really don't see a problem with enjoying myself, and helping out a few female friends, but I thought I'd run it by you.

Sincerely,

Jack Stanley Martin

Dear jsm,

Yes, I see a problem here, this certainly seems unethical and immoral. When you got married, your priest should have told you that you were forsaking all others, and this should have been reinforced multiple times in pre-cana.

On the other hand, from your writing patterns you seem to be from the part of the US that tends towards heretical sects like Baptists and Methodists, in which case your moral degeneracy is just symptomatic of your entire faith. You're still guilty, but a little less so.

For marital advice, I would suggest that your wife practice her Kegel exercises, to fix that 302 in a 427 feeling. For penance, you may consider donating some of that raise to the True Church, they've had some financial difficulties lately.