I'm a college freshman, new to dorm life, and my roommate is a drunk! Almost evey night he comes home stinking of beer, and at least once a week he drinks so much he vomits. The only saving grace is that he's an engineering student, so he probably won't be bringing home women to fornicate with. What can I do, should I go to my RA to get a new roommate, or just tell this sinner how quickly he's going to Hell!?

T. Totaller

Dear T.,

First, let me correct you, consuming alcohol is not a sin, though overcompsumption is not wise. I find it odd that certain heretical sects like Baptists preach the literal word of the Bible, yet ignore Moses and Cana in their zeal to ban alcohol and pick up rattlesnakes. And of course I needn't remind you of the crucial part wine plays in the Eucharist.

Part of going away to college is learning to expand your horizons. Why, before I went away, I had no idea just how many people had turned away from the one True Church! Thousands and thousands of heretics and sinners, blissfully and ignorantly marching straight towards Hell! Boy howdy, did the scales fall from my eyes!

Now, in the interests of openness, I must admit that I tipped back a few beers as an undergraduate, and not to brag, was the best beer tapper/pourer in the freshmen dorm (coming from staunch Bavarian Catholic stock has its rewards). So, in the interests of tolerance and friendship, put up with your dormmates youthful experimentation, maybe even slide the wastebacket near his bed when he comes home with after drinking too much. Who knows, perhaps one day you will enjoy a cold, frosty case or two or Rolling Rock ponies, ahh, memories of the 'Skellar, and meet a fecund young Catholic coed with which you can get married to and have children.

Dear Adam,

I'm back in the dorms again, but I fear that my new roommate is gay. While he seems nice enough, he is awfully neat and well dressed, and likes to listen to Morrisey. He never wants to go out to parties to mingle with the coeds, and even has a rainbow patch on his backpack? Could he be gay, what should I do?

Moe Foab

Dear Moe,

College is a delicate time, where young people like to try out new things and experiment. This makes them very vulnerable to Satanic influences; like Heavy Metal music, Gathering the Magic card game, and homosexuality. If your roommate suspects he is a homosexual, or wants to flirt with homosexuality, you need to be careful what you tell him, in order not to lose influence over him. If you tell him that truth, that he will be damned for all eternity to have a demon bugger him endlessly with a 4 foot long scaly, razor sharp red hot penis while having to orally satisfy a rancid, stinking demonic beast, he will turn you right off. I would suggest trying to remain friends, and getting your roommate to know a campus priest, who can help lead him from a life astray.

Of course, if your roommate attempts to kick you out of your room for his perverted, decadent assignations, you have every right to complain.