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First things first.
...I (Monsignor Rightmann, that is) do not understand the appeal of a bare pudenda.
I know, as a purist, you'll want to correct this. You mean
the appeal of a bare pudendum
as "pudenda" is plural. Please verify this factoid with Adequacy's own in-house linguistics expert, em.
Now, that minor quibble out of the way, let us return to the issue at hand. You would seem to imagine that Reverse D's husband is indulging in some pre-pubescence fetish when he requests his shy wife shave the curly fuzz off her pubic mound. That may be, but if that were the case you'd also expect him to have demanded that she wear some kind of tight halter to compress and hide her mature-woman's breasts, and probably also some kind of school-girls costume. And don't forget the pigtails - pigtails, laughable as they may look when affected by hard-worn cigarette-smoking prostitutes in porno filming sessions, are nevertheless an invariable "must" for people trying to simulate the grade-school-girl look. Only G-d knows why pornographers specializing in paedophiliac productions insist on so specific a fetish; the fact is, however, they do.
Now if he had asked for all that, wouldn't Reverse D have mentioned those guilty details as well in her plaint? But she did not. Therefore, I think it is presumptuous, if not outright libelous, to accuse her lust-addled husband of sick paedophilic tendencies.
Let us therefore assume the best, or at least the least bad, of Mr. D's motives. An alternative explanation comes to mind at once.
You see, so very many married men in our misogynistic culture are so dismally insensitive to the needs and desires of their wedded mates! Their idea of "love-making" is to hurl themselves upon their wives's bodies, roughly prod and probe and thrust, achieve their own selfish satisfaction, and then roll over and set to snoring. No wonder our culture is so afflicted with frustration and heartbreak!
But Mr. D has evidently transcended that selfish attitude in a praiseworthy, if somewhat devious manner. It works like this. As you would know had you ever worn a beard (as Christians are indeed required to, viz. Leviticus 19:27), while daily face-shaving roughens and desensitizes the skin, conversely, skin which has been protected by natural body hair remains uncallused. So right after one shaves for the first time in a while, the exposed skin is smooth, cool, soft, and especially sensitive to sensations of warmth and touch. Imagine, now, our unsuspecting wife's delight at the feeling of her husband's loving caresses upon the delicate newly-shaven areas!
Indeed this is a testament to the benevolence of the Heavenly Creator, who has given us not just the mechanical necessities of life - we do as little for the farm animals we raise to brusquely exploit - but also the potentiality for ecstatic sensual gratification! Clearly none of that is necessary for the working-out of mere blind mechanical evolutionary processes. Instead it can only be logically attributed to the superfluous indulgence of an intelligent Creator who is truly motivated by overflowing generosity and loving kindness.
But Mr. D's scheme gets better. See, those pubic hairs will eventually grow back in. Again, I appeal to your personal experience with the similarly curly hairs growing out of your own manly jaw. If you haven't ever done as much, just try this: quit shaving your face for about a week or two. Somewhere between day five and day fourteen you will experience an itchy sensation that will have you rubbing and scratching like crazy, as the sharp tips of the new short hairs curl over to tickle and torment that sensitive skin.
And this is where phase II of Mr. D's "make her love me again like when we were newlyweds" program comes into effect. For there is one sure cure for that maddening short-pubies itch, married men, and keep this in mind: a truly wonderful, noble product, Johnson's Baby Oil.
(By the way - I hate to digress, but - how do you like the clever manner in which the gentlemen running the web site to which I linked artfully camouflage their advertisement for this splendid product! If they illustrated their provocative ad with a photograph of, say, a husband and wife entangled in some athletic posture of the consummation of marital bliss, certainly many internet users would be unable to access those pages due to net-censoring software. So instead of depicting the naked act of love, they illustrate their ad with the joyful, lovely consequence of that act, a beautiful baby. Yet, the intent is plain, read the howlingly erotic ad copy:
How Our Products Help
Use gentle strokes while massaging a small amount of JOHNSON'SŪ Baby Oil into baby's skin. Using soothing, circular motions, massage feet, calves and thighs. Rub baby oil on baby's stomach and work up to shoulders and down the arms and hands. Continue as long as you and your baby enjoy it...)
OK, about a week after the shave, Mrs. D will be going nuts with the itchies. At this point, our crafty Mr. D will proceed to part two of his "make her love me" scheme. "Oh, darling, dearest, does that itch down there? I'm so sorry! Poor dear, you shaved to make me happy, and now you must be going nuts!" (Here he brings out the paper bag from the pharmacy with the baby oil.) "But I heard this helps..."
Dear Adequacy readers, I leave the rest to your imaginations. Love is good! Love, love, love, love.
Yours WDK - WKiernan@concentric.net
Getting into my Chevrolet Magic Fire, I drove slowly back to the office. - L. Rosen
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