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Help save a baby, and snowballs

Author:

Adam Rightmann

Topic:

Sex

Posted:

Jan 30, 2002

Comments:

I apologize, my dear readers, for my continued absence. Apparently, something by the name of TechTV linked to T.Reginald Gibbons' story on hacker children, once again angering the hackers, who retaliated with their DOS tools. I do believe our able server team has fixed this latest DOS, so I can bring my latest column to you.

In today's column, I help a God-fearing man concerned with the birth of a pagan son, and counsel a young man on snowballs.

More stories by

Adam Rightmann

	My husband wants to do my ass!
	Rock Star: Headbanging Nights
	Saluting American Heroes on Flight 93
	We are all children of Adam and Eve
	I'm a teenager, and I want it bad!
	I have not had relations for months!
	My neighbors are foreigners, and they don't fly a flag
	Have a Right Halloween!
	Should we circumcize our boy?
	My wife hungers for dark meat, and my nephew is a Commie!
	My husband wants me shorn!
	My inlaws are not fertile!
	What shall we give up for Lent?
	Reclaiming St. Patrick's Day
	Let us pray for the priests and victims of sexual abuse
	Why can't I get a second date?
	I want a mistress!
	My roommate is gay! My roommate is a drunk.

Dear Adam,

A colleague of mine just had a child with his girlfriend. Knowing his predilections for being a cantankerous ne-er-do-well, the only chance of his son of ever seeing the inside of a Church is if the Church is holding a rummage sale and there are surplus Austin-Healy parts available. While this Godless, fornicating, usurious financial analyst is certainly doomed to eternal damnation, how can I be a Light to his newborn son?

Trying to save a lost lamb

Dear trying,

Your resolve and attitude is commendable, please do try to stay in the child's life, it sounds like the child is going to be exposed to an unhealthy, profane, God cursing existence (and that's even when it's dry and the Austin-Healy starts). The first thing you must do, upon visiting the child, is perform an Emergency Baptism. In short, in case your secular workplace web filter blocks the sacred, as many of the ones in the United States do, follow these simple steps:

Have one or two witnesses on hand (though if you must do this alone, it's understandable).
Recite the creed.
Bring a small vial of water (it doesn't have to be Holy Water, but it helps) with you, and gently splash it on the baby three times, while saying "I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit."

Do be prepared for a confrontation, as the God-haters get quite upset when faced with the facts of their own eternal damnation.

Dear Adam,

After a moment of intimacy, my girlfriend asked me if I wanted a snowball. Should I let her give me one?

Frosty

Dear Frosty,

I do hope the moment of intimacy you referred to was a sharing of dreams and hopes, you know the Church frowns on premarital relations.

But, back to your question. Ah yes, it's winter in Jesus' hemisphere, and the snow is falling. As long as you avoid ice balls, and don't aim for the face, I see no problem with giving snowballs back and forth all day long.

	If your intention, dear Sir,,, (4.00 / 1) (#3)
	by Mint Waltman on Wed Jan 30th, 2002 at 01:38:34 PM PST

	...is to save this newborn, why in the world would you all but guarantee eternal damnation by advising the performance of Holy Baptism of the Catholic variety?

	Well (3.00 / 1) (#4)
	by Right Hand Man on Wed Jan 30th, 2002 at 02:06:34 PM PST

	I imagine the baptism is just to hold the child over long enough for him to build up the strength of his faith. In five or six years, God and his constitution willing, he'll be able to handle snakes just like an adult. ------------------------- "Keep your bible open and your powder dry."

	I concede... (3.50 / 2) (#5)
	by Mint Waltman on Wed Jan 30th, 2002 at 04:43:41 PM PST

	... your point. What's the difference if he's baptised in the Catholic tradition? Considering he'll have to be reborn anyway in order to rejoice in Jesus' embrace, I suppose even the minimal amount of time the Catholic Church focuses on the Lord (as opposed to the excessive amount of attention given you know who in Rome) is better than no exposure at all. I just pray that nothing happens to the child before he can be reborn and saved. BTW: My church isn't big on snake handling, though as soon as the child is old enough he should learn the proper way to hoist a placard at a Planned Parenthood protest. And maybe around age 12 or 13 learn the finer points of sharp-shooting...

	It's late, and I'm feeling stupid (2.00 / 1) (#11)
	by First Incision on Wed Jan 30th, 2002 at 10:02:36 PM PST

	I don't know why, but I suppose I will reply, Linux Armada style: Have you ever even been to a Catholic Church? Generally the Pope is mentioned once, in a general prayer "for our Pope John Paul, _____ our Bishop, and all the clergy, and the entire people your son has gained for your." Pretty much everything else focuses on the Lord. And I agree, it doesn't matter if he is baptized in the Catholic tradition. Really, this "emergency baptism" doesn't really seem to be in any particular tradition at all. And, as we Catholics believe, a baptism is a baptism. We don't re-baptize converts from other Christian denominations. I could try to argue the finer points of differing definitions of "saved," "sanctified," and "reborn," but I am not in the mood, and would probably just sound like yet another person who took and undergrad course in something, and think's s/he's an expert. _ _ Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

	Are you both Lunix hackers? (none / 0) (#18)
	by Adam Rightmann on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 08:35:48 AM PST

	For I really do not understand the vitriol spewed against the True Church unless you are a typical, anti-authoritarian Lunix hacker. You both seem Godly men, yet when comparing a 2000 year old Faith, handed down directly from man to man (starting with Jesus) and staffed by well educated professionals, you seem to prefer a faith where any semi-literate with a penchant for teenage girls can pick up the Bible and start their own cult. Compare this with Lunix hackers, who given the choice between a stable, 30 year old fortune 10 company staffed with professional, college educated programmers, chooses an operating system largely written by socially inept college dropouts. A. Rightmann

	At the very least... (none / 0) (#20)
	by Mint Waltman on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 09:10:44 AM PST

	you seem to prefer a faith where any semi-literate with a penchant for teenage girls can pick up the Bible and start their own cult. such a relationship may result in another Christian soul, unlike those perverse acts perpetrated and all but sanctioned by your ranks of 'educate professionals.' A young lady of 14 or 15 may well be ready for marriage and motherhood provided she has been instructed correctly in her formative years. On the other hand, little boys of 8 or 9, well, that's just disgusting...

	Why? (none / 0) (#21)
	by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 02:01:50 PM PST

	why do you feel that you need to push your religion on other people. Now i am a christian and all however i also believe that all people have the right to exersize thier own faiths. If that boys parents believe that thier son shouldn't go to church then so be it however it is not your bussiness to baptise this boy going against his parents wishes. Also linux is better than window. It is spelled Linux NOT Lunix.

	liberalist (none / 0) (#22)
	by nathan on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 02:39:34 PM PST

	Now i am a christian and all however i also believe that all people have the right to exersize thier own faiths So, what you're saying is that you're a liberalist. Nathan -- Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

	You might as well (none / 0) (#23)
	by Mint Waltman on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 04:00:29 PM PST

	... be saying "What business of yours is it if this child's parents don't want to provide the proper innoculations and nutritous food?" Child abuse comes in many forms. Children like you see on Dateline NBC in groups homes make up the minority of abused children in the US. Most abusive situations are more akin to the one Rightman writes about this week- parents refusing to see to both the physical and spiritual needs of their seedlings. What's the result? Welfare, teen pregnancy, DoS attacks and torn blue jeans. So what business is it of mine you ask? Well, as a Christian it's my duty to look after those who cannot yet look after themselves. Remove the righteous from the tableau of America and who are you left with? NAMBLA members and NEA grant recipients- and they sure as heck don't have the best interests of children in mind. But if you really were a Christian you would have known that already.... So who are you really?

	i'm such a square (4.00 / 1) (#6)
	by Anonymous Reader on Wed Jan 30th, 2002 at 06:43:13 PM PST

	I dont know what a snowball is and if someone doesnt tell me I'll spend the rest of my days wondering if it wasnt meant to be my special gift from G*d. Everyone is supposed to receive one of these special gifts, right? I dont think mine was supposed to be misery.

	Snowballs (2.00 / 2) (#7)
	by Anonymous Reader on Wed Jan 30th, 2002 at 07:51:56 PM PST

	A snowball is spent ejaculate passed from mouth to mouth. I suggest Frosty get as far away from his girlfriend as quickly as possible.

	The question... (4.33 / 3) (#9)
	by jvance on Wed Jan 30th, 2002 at 08:25:36 PM PST

	... I take it, was "woogd ju aigh a showbah?" -- Adequacy has turned into a cesspool consisting of ... blubbering, superstitious fools arguing with smug, pseudointellectual assholes. -AR

	now you're just pulling my leg (4.00 / 2) (#10)
	by Anonymous Reader on Wed Jan 30th, 2002 at 08:41:25 PM PST

	A snowball is spent ejaculate passed from mouth to mouth. Ha, ha, very funny. How the hell does the ejaculate get inside the first mouth to begin with, wise guy? Sheesh, just because I'm a square doesnt mean I do not know how wives become pregnant with child.

	Dumbass (1.00 / 2) (#13)
	by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 03:53:54 AM PST

	SuckySuckyFiveDolla. Hello? Anyone In there?

	Good golly, the internet is full of perverts (none / 0) (#17)
	by Adam Rightmann on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 08:23:52 AM PST

	I once researched a Japanese noodle dish, only to have a flock of degenerates relate it so some deviant sexual practice, and now they're telling me they have co-opted snowballs? What is this world coming too when a fun winter practice has been devolved into a perversion? A. Rightmann

	Why is it such a big deal? (none / 0) (#24)
	by Anonymous Reader on Sun Feb 3rd, 2002 at 08:03:33 PM PST

	If a sexual act is performed in private by two consenting adults, what gives you the right to label it perverted? It is not as if anyone is being harmed here, so try it yourself before casting judgement. But I don't think it is your special gift from God, so better luck next time.

	angering the hackers (2.00 / 1) (#8)
	by PotatoError on Wed Jan 30th, 2002 at 08:22:05 PM PST

	actually I saw a link about T.Reginald Gibbons' story on hacker children from PlanetQuake. His excellent section on how Quake is a training ground for hackers made the front page there. I was first told about it by someone at CyberArmy. Got some attention there as well. If you can find the archives it'll make you laugh :) <<JUMP! POGO POGO POGO BOUNCE! POGO POGO POGO>>

	Im not a hacker... (2.00 / 1) (#12)
	by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 03:51:39 AM PST

	But im not retarded either, how old are you people? 70-80? do you even understand what quake even is!? its a damn VIDEO GAME, if you can't grasp that idea then I belive its time they do what they did back in the days of old and stone you like they did to all stupid people. Somehow you all escaped and regathered at this dumb site. Im sorry you're all probably too stupid to understand this so I'll be nice and just stop here.

	o! (4.00 / 1) (#14)
	by tkatchev on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 05:24:42 AM PST

	Congrats on the brilliant example of post-modernist humour. Really, I mean it -- that was the funniest thing I've read all day. I especially liked the part about "escaped and regathered at this dumb site". :)) You have talent, my man. The dysfunctional punctuation was a nice finishing touch. A hand-crafted post, indeed. :)) -- Peace and much love...

	whoa! (3.00 / 1) (#15)
	by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 05:30:21 AM PST

	so I'll be nice and just stop here. Thank God! Spare us you inciteful, scathing criticism or I fear we may drown in a sea of whitespace. its time they do what they did back in the days of old and stone you like they did to all stupid people Well they must have missed some of them, given the theory of evolution and your existence.

	Here's an idea (none / 0) (#16)
	by skilm on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 08:07:02 AM PST

	Hey guys, instead of trying to "save a lost lamb," how about you leave the kid alone, and let him make up his own mind about what to do with God. Perhaps if your religion made sense, or did more good for people, you would get more converts and wouldn't need to dupe little kids into being your followers. Missionaries have to be the lowest scum in the earth. I mean, if some Arab came to your house, and started trying to convert him to Alah, You'd probably shoot him. It really doesn't matter what religion you are, if you looked at it you'd realize that they're all basically the same when it comes to morality, so I really don't see what the problem is. ------------------------------------------------- Bread + Egg Nog = Bread Nog

	All vaginas are basically the same (none / 0) (#19)
	by Adam Rightmann on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 08:55:10 AM PST

	so, it shouldn't matter to your wife who you have sex with. Please, excuse the crudity, but your ideas about religion are ignorant. Hey guys, instead of trying to "save a lost lamb," how about you leave the kid alone, and let him make up his own mind about what to do with God. And if the little lamb tragically died before he or she decided, well then, eternal damnation is a fine price to pay for a parents negligence. Perhaps if your religion made sense, or did more good for people, you would get more converts and wouldn't need to dupe little kids into being your followers. Missionaries have to be the lowest scum in the earth. Religion != algebra It does not have to make sense, it's based on faith. And those darn missionaries, forsaking comfort to save a person's soul from Hell, just who do they think they are? I mean, if some Arab came to your house, and started trying to convert him to Alah, You'd probably shoot him. I would hope, that after seeing the Christian happiness in my household, he might want to convert to Catholicism. Shooting a trespasser would be a regrettable, last resort. It really doesn't matter what religion you are, if you looked at it you'd realize that they're all basically the same when it comes to morality, so I really don't see what the problem is. See my crude vagina remark, though it you're not married, you may not understand. A. Rightmann

	Ugh... (none / 0) (#25)
	by Anonymous Reader on Thu Feb 7th, 2002 at 06:15:05 PM PST

	Being a good Christian, you believe God is all forgiving, right? Yes, of course you do. Also being a good Christian, you believe that swearing on someone else will put that someone else to eternal damnation? Yes, of course you do. So, then, I swear on your idiotic soul, body and mind that my name is Bob. Guess what? My name ain't Bob. So, guess what? Now you get to spend eternity in Hell. Good job. --- --- Man, literalists are so annoying... If you believe God is all-forgiving, then why would He send a child who was before the age at which it could receive baptism? Wouldn't God forgive the child for something it wasn't even able to control? By your reasoning, every American should spent eternity in Hell. After all, because we have not done anything to physically stop the bombs from dropping on Afghan civilians. They are dying daily. Since we support our government, we are responsible for their deaths. Therefore, we have broken the commandments and murdered people.

	pathetic! (none / 0) (#26)
	by nathan on Fri Feb 8th, 2002 at 12:22:08 PM PST

	Also being a good Christian, you believe that swearing on someone else will put that someone else to eternal damnation... Where did you get this gem? It contradicts the whole corpus of doctrine. ...every American should spent eternity in Hell... Absolutely. In fact, everyone should be damned. The Incarnation, however, is the mechanism through which any who choose to be can be saved. It is the gift that makes it possible to be freed from sin. Nathan -- Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

	From a supposed 'good Catholic.' (none / 0) (#27)
	by Anonymous Reader on Sat Feb 9th, 2002 at 09:19:35 AM PST

	Either way, you're ignoring the bulk of my post. Regardless, if you do not repent for supporting this supposed War on Terrorism, you do not repent for the thousands dead in Afghanistan, the Philippines, and anywhere else where we will begin to make movements against 'terrorists.' If you do not repent for the thousands of deaths you caused, by your logic, you go to Hell. When are you damn literalists going to realize that God doesn't care one ounce if someone is gay. You think that God really cares if someone is baptized or not? If God really cared, then He would forever expell you from Heaven for taking that cookie from the cookie jar when you were 6. You say He would forgive you then. So, if he would forgive you for something you WILLINGLY did, steal a cookie, why would he not forgive a baby whom had not had any control whatsoever over whether or not s/he can be baptized. I could go into my belief that baptism is a meaningless gesture, but I won't.

	hey, idiot, (none / 0) (#28)
	by nathan on Sat Feb 9th, 2002 at 04:56:14 PM PST

	I'm not a Catholic, let alone a good one. Moreover, the Catholic church is not a fundamentalist church, so I'm not sure who your quarrel is with. If you do not repent for the thousands of deaths you caused, by your logic, you go to Hell... No, we all deserve to go to Hell. Thanks to the Incarnation, we do not need to do so. I could go into my belief that baptism is a meaningless gesture, but I won't... Thanks, please don't. Nathan -- Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

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