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 The Motherland

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Jan 30, 2002
The swollen moon swiftly climbed high into the night sky. A trail of plasma evaporated in the moon's wake. Nervously, I watched the event with my head pressed against the cool bus window.

"What now?" I wondered to myself. Ever since those damn aliens had arrived, they had screwed up everything. Suddenly, we had Indian elephants in the midwest, the atmosphere was eternally blue and dark. The temperature never rose above seventy degrees and never fell below sixty five.


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I wondered why nobody else seemed to notice how badly our new "guests" had messed things up. Maybe they did and were too scared to say anything. Though, that didn't make any sense either, since the aliens weren't violent. They never physically harmed anyone. They were just assholes. With all of their technology and surliness, the aliens never threatened anyone. In fact, they were always sucking up to humans. Well, at least whenever they weren't being assholes to us. The entire planet had turned into one huge dysfunctional family and humans were the "enablers." Oprah would never again be the same.

My clone scooted closer to me in the bus seat and rested her head on my shoulder. Technically, she wasn't really a clone. The alien Governors had taken a sample of my DNA and modified it to create a duplicate of Eva Habermann. Another case of the aliens sucking up to humans. I honestly hated those aliens, but how could I refuse such a gift? I glanced upon the clone's naked form leaning against me.

Eva put her hand on the back of my head and began to massage my scalp. One of the advantages of her being a clone of myself was that she knew exactly the right spot to massage. I closed my eyes and shivered. Her hand was cool and comforting. It seemed to absorb the excess heat collecting under my thick head of hair. Occasionally, she would scratch lightly with her blue-painted nails.

My clone was the whole reason for this little trip. She wanted to come to Germany and meet the real Eva Habermann and get her autograph. I also promised to buy her some clothes, even though they were mostly just accessories in this day and age. Another one of the many things that had changed since the arrival of the aliens. The real Eva Habermann was redundant to me now, but I made the trip for my clone.

With my eyes closed, my other senses became more noticeable. I gradually became aware of the overwhelming stench of body odor on the bus. It was a putrid mixture resembling cooked hamburger and old onions. I opened my eyes hoping to push the scent away with my sense of sight. Most of us riding the bus were males. That made sense, we seemed to smell worse than females.

The moon had stopped it's climb. I had opened my eyes just in time to see an uneven flash of white ignite around the surface and evaporate, all in an instant. I heard a loud crackling sound and could detect the scent of ozone. There was a short pause and then an enormous explosion.

"I don't fucking believe this," I said, mostly to myself.

None of the other travelers seemed to notice the event. They just stared blankly ahead and the clone continued to massage my scalp. The moon was gone, its surface material converted into some strange plasma that was bleeding into the sky and causing interference patterns similar to oil in water.

"Fuckers. Goddamn alien fuckers."

I wondered what it would take to wake everyone up. How much does our world have to die before people put their foot down? Asshole aliens. I'd just as soon spit on one as look at it.

Not that the aliens were ugly, by any means. They were actually quite striking. A short one would be seven feet tall. Their skin was blue and their hair long and black. Their facial features were almost Native American looking, though thinner and with an elongated philtrum. They were wrinkled, and so even the children looked elderly. Their eyes were their most striking feature, yellow and self-illuminated, somewhat cat-like with deep, coal-black pupils in the center.

I looked back down and tried to see ahead of the bus. I noticed the environment was bright enough to see, even without the moonlight. The plasma in the sky seemed to illuminate the world so that it roughly appeared early-evening. I noticed a tall, thin figure in the distance, it appeared to be walking toward the bus along the roadside. An alien.

As the bus approached the alien, I could make out more and more details. It was wearing a brown leather vest, jeans and boots. Its head was lowered as it walked with long strides. It almost seemed to be concentrating on its own footsteps. I could tell from the dress and the way its hair was braided that it was not a Governor. Not that it mattered to me. They were all crazy. They were all assholes.

The bus quickly came upon the alien, as we were travelling at least 70 miles an hour, not to mention those long Goddamn strides those things take. As the alien passed by my window, it looked up. I was shocked. Our gazes locked and I felt hypnotized, connected. It was one of those held gazes where it feels as though both minds are meeting. A shock shot through my gut. I felt the ancientness in those eyes. The gaze lasted only briefly but it felt like minutes. I turned as the bus passed to watch the alien as it continued uninterrupted, once again looking down to the ground.

The clone put her arms around me, "we are almost there," she assured me, with her German accent, "finally I will meet with Eva!"

I buried my nose in her platinum blonde hair and deeply inhaled the sweet perfume. Yes, the aliens were assholes, but I have to hand it to them, they sure knew how to make a clone.


Oh Mother, Land... (3.50 / 2) (#4)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 12:48:08 AM PST
I'm with you brother, I can't wait to live in your vision of utopia. When oh when will our alien brothers finally arrive and give us what we really want...

Hot cloned ladies!!

"Males smell worse than females"? (3.50 / 2) (#5)
by tkatchev on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 01:39:59 AM PST
Dude, what planet are you from? That's ridiculous. Men, at least, do not need hygienic padding to keep themselves from fouling up the air.

(I apologise in advance to the female half of the readership; no offence intended. Really.)

Peace and much love...

Phhhtt (1.33 / 3) (#6)
by osm on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 01:51:04 AM PST
You think you smell better than her?? Please.

Re: (3.50 / 2) (#8)
by tkatchev on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 02:16:20 AM PST
Even I'm not crass enough to claim that Mrs. Habermann has a menstrual cycle dysfnction.

Peace and much love...

None taken, dear (3.00 / 2) (#11)
by hauntedattics on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 05:07:48 AM PST
Although you do realize, don't you, that 'feminine hygiene' is a euphemism for 'the natural reality of the reproductive cycle'?

I rather meant... (5.00 / 1) (#12)
by tkatchev on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 05:18:37 AM PST
...perfumed maxi-pads and other similar perversities.

Peace and much love...

Gotcha. (5.00 / 1) (#13)
by hauntedattics on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 06:36:03 AM PST
The processor isn't using all its MHz this morning.

well... (none / 0) (#14)
by nathan on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 09:18:25 AM PST
I don't know about you, tkatchev, but I'm not completely convinced that deodorants are perverse in themselves. Of course, anything taken to excess gets a little sickly, and North Americans use far too many odor-masking chemicals; but anyone who's ever had a German prof and sat in the front row knows that the other extreme is just as obnoxious.

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

We had a French customer where I used to work (none / 0) (#15)
by osm on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 09:38:13 AM PST
Talk about disgusting. And I mean DISGUSTING. That was the foulest stench I've ever been tortured with, and that includes working with Lazar, an electronics technician from Russia who pulled his own teeth at work and regularly told the boss "big fuck you".

New Product for Men (none / 0) (#17)
by Orinoco on Tue Feb 5th, 2002 at 11:49:16 PM PST
I saw something perverse last week in the H.E.B. in Houston. The one on Westheimer. It was a Male Hygiene Deodorant. It was called Umpire! and the print on the can said it was for foul balls.

It seemed highly improbable that this product will find a market niche.

so you has sex with yourself? (none / 0) (#16)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Jan 31st, 2002 at 05:34:42 PM PST
did your baby come out kinda funny?


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