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 An Adequate Guide to This Weekend in Television

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Feb 01, 2002
Presented for your enjoyment, an adequate guide to weekend television. If you're like most people, you don't have any friends, anywhere to go, or anything better to do, so you'll just sit on your couch or recliner this weekend, numb your mind with drugs and/or alcohol, and watch TV. Weekend TV is a fetid cesspool of hackneyed sitcoms, played-out reruns, mindless, boring sporting events, so-called "comedies" that get about as many laughs as a school bus crash, and 10 year old movies. However, this weekend, and nearly every weekend, there are some pleasant exceptions (albeit few) and usually at least one particularly feculent. Here are this weekend's best bets and the most rank.


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Weekend Musts:

Beat the Geeks - COMEDY - 11:30am Fri
This is one of the innovative new game shows presented on Comedy Central. The basic premise is as follows: the contestants go to a local university computer science lab, 3 at a time. They then have 30 seconds to knock as many geeks unconscious as they can. The thing that makes the game interesting is before each session is the contestant has to spin the "Weapon Wheel" to determine what instrument will be made available to them. In true Comedy Central fashion, even though there are the traditional geek-beating implements you'd expect, such as aluminum baseball bats and bricks, on occasion the Weapon Wheel will land on one of the wackier items, such as the sofa pillow or the computer keyboard. I won't ruin all the surprises the show has in store, but watching contestants try to knock a geek unconscious with an "adult novelty" will have you splitting your sides.

Secrets of the Third Reich - HIS - 9:00pm Sat
This History Network show profiles the obscure and lesser-known facts about Nazi Germany, including the internal political struggles and "secret weapons" that were never fielded against the Allies during the course of the war. It casts light upon the baffling mysteries surrounding Adolf Hitler and the empire he built. Except it doesn't answer the most baffling question: how the hell could they have eliminated 6 million Jews over the course of less than 10 years, as some claim they did? There's not a shred of documentary evidence that Hitler or any of his lieutenants ordered the mass extermination of Jews, and the accounts of these concentration camps seem highly suspect. For example, the notion of a gas chamber is absurd, especially if the Germans had used Zyklon B for the purpose, as is generally claimed. Hydrogen cyanide would be a ridiculous agent to use for the purpose of killing people, and it takes a long time to dissipate. It would take about 20 hours to ventilate a room that was airtight enough to kill people, so these accounts of mass-production killing chambers are obviously exaggerated. Even if they had killed 6,000,000 Jews, how would the bodies be disposed of? Human corpses can't be burned in open pits so that no trace remain, so there would be evidence of slaughter on this scale even today, but there isn't. The concept that they were all disposed of in crematoria is absurd, also, as the crematoria constructed at so-called "concentration camps" were low capacity, designed to process those who had died of natural causes. Hopefully the History Network can address this in an upcoming show, instead of rambling about Hitler's bunker and rocket planes.

Programa Comprado - UNI - ?
This is a great program on Univision. It's a little difficult to follow, as the people on the show talk really fast, in fact I can only pick up a word here or there. But the words aren't what make it compelling programming; it's all about T&A, people. Girls, girls, girls. Univision puts the "boob" in "boob tube," if you know what I mean. This is the kind of show that makes America great; Americans know that sex sells. This show is on most of the time on Univision, and there doesn't appear to be any set schedule. The other great thing about it is: no commercials!

Weekend Miss:

Superbowl XXXVI - FOX - 6pm EST Sun
The pre-game starts Friday night (har har) but that promises to be the best thing about this year's game. Endure the Patriots getting their asses handed to them if you must. The only hope for them to not totally disgrace themselves is if Brady, choke artiste extraordinaire, gets pulled out early. Bledsoe may be getting long in the tooth, but he can occasionally complete a pass without sprinting all over the field, and has learned to hold on to the ball when he gets sacked. That's the difference between a quarterback who goes on hot streaks once in a while (or at least gets lucky) and a quarterback with skill and talent. "Programa Comprado" is on Univision if you can't bear to witness the crushing defeat.

Until next week, remember: no matter how bad it is, it's still better than listening to the radio.


Why stay at home and numb your brain... (3.00 / 1) (#2)
by wumingzi on Fri Feb 1st, 2002 at 09:13:03 AM PST
Going out to numb your brain with drugs and alcohol is much better.

Do it correctly, and you'll be picked up by the constabulary and sent to jail. This keeps your weekend fully booked, eliminating the need for additional numbing channel-surfing. In addition, you get to meet new friends, learn different dialects of English, and possibly practice a few sexual acts that you didn't consider before.

By contrast, the only thing you get from numbing your brain on drugs and alcohol at home is a nasty hangover Sunday morning and a nagging feeling you should be doing more with your life.

Consider the possibilities, and make the RIGHT choice!

Lucky for me, I'm British (2.00 / 1) (#3)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Feb 1st, 2002 at 09:16:45 AM PST
Which means nobody will be watching the superbowl. I saw the highlight of the superbowl - that Spears slag - on the news yesterday, and I wasn't impressed. "Beat the Geeks" sounds good, though. Hopefully C4 will import it. I don't need to watch the Secrets of the Third Reich program because I already know that the Nazis were run secretly by the American IBM company.

More info on the ibm connection (1.00 / 1) (#8)
by dmg on Fri Feb 1st, 2002 at 09:28:56 PM PST
Can be found in this book "IBM and the Holocaust: The Strategic Alliance between Nazi Germany and America's Most Powerful Corporation "

time to give a Newtonian demonstration - of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration.
-- MC Hawking

huh? (4.00 / 1) (#10)
by Yoshi on Fri Feb 1st, 2002 at 10:12:31 PM PST
Wait, so IBM sells the Nazis the machines that they used to organize data about the jews, and they're the bad guys? Should we shut down Microsoft for supplying Al Quaeda copies of Word to type up their plans for their attacks? Listen, you liberals, quit trying to find scapegoats and other liabilities for the actions of some.

how could they my ass! (2.00 / 1) (#4)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Feb 1st, 2002 at 10:53:43 AM PST
how could they kill 6 million people my ass. How could 3/4 of the large family on my fathers side dissapear off of our family trees in the course of 4 years during that time. After being sent to these concentration camps. The holocaust is what caused my family to convert to chrisianiy. Ask my grandfather about how they could kell that many people. HE WAS THERE!

Re: (1.00 / 1) (#5)
by tkatchev on Fri Feb 1st, 2002 at 11:13:34 AM PST
Where is your family from? I'm asking purely from an academic interest -- it sounds like you are from some part of Eastern Europe. Poland, probably, though maybe Ukraine. No offense, I'm just truly interested.

Peace and much love...

an answer... (4.00 / 1) (#6)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Feb 1st, 2002 at 11:16:37 AM PST
How could 3/4 of the large family on my fathers side dissapear off of our family trees in the course of 4 years during that time.

Automobile accident.

Your grandfather was there, eh? (4.00 / 1) (#7)
by Joe Blow on Fri Feb 1st, 2002 at 11:31:43 AM PST
It's in the interests of world Zionism that he exagerate the facts of the matter. The facts are as follows: the so-called "concentration camps" were inspected by the Red Cross on many occasions and found to be adequate, and nearly all of the occupants thereof were criminals. Your grandfather surviving his imprisonment is testimony to the fact that there was no program of genocide, in fact, or else he would not be alive to fabricate lies about the occupied areas.

I'm glad you enjoyed my story. Who do you like in the Super Bowl?

Is your (2.00 / 1) (#13)
by hauntedattics on Sat Feb 2nd, 2002 at 11:21:18 AM PST
local Illuminati chapter in Boston or the 'burbs?

Error (2.00 / 1) (#11)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Feb 1st, 2002 at 10:42:38 PM PST
None of those shows is on this weekend where I live. Typical, ignorant yank - do you think the rest of the world has the same TV schedules as you? Or do you just not even think?


If you're not American... (1.00 / 1) (#12)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Feb 2nd, 2002 at 12:17:11 AM PST
then you're probably not adequate.

Pardon me... (5.00 / 1) (#14)
by hauntedattics on Mon Feb 4th, 2002 at 07:26:47 AM PST
We interrupt this program so I can channel my alter ego for a minute here.


*Ahem.* Thank you very much. Now back to your regularly scheduled, mild-mannered female.

eh? (none / 0) (#15)
by fzr on Tue Feb 5th, 2002 at 05:11:36 AM PST
The other great thing about it is: no commercials!

Commercials are the best thing on television! They have bigger budgets, better effects, sexier actors and require almost no attention span or effort to enjoy, unlike most of the shite they put on.

Oh, except the Steve Irwin channel, which rocks.

Television is the greatest thing ever invented (none / 0) (#16)
by CommunistPartyAnimal on Fri Feb 8th, 2002 at 04:41:08 AM PST
A big ;D to the more politically-aware of those amongst us.


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