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What I want for Christmas is
An IWC pilot's watch 6%
A full set of attractive Louis Vuitton luggage 0%
A Damian Hirst / Tracy Emin original 0%
A bottle of cask strength Talisker single malt whisky 9%
An ABIT KT7 Raid motherboard (slightly used) 9%
A leather bound edition of the 'King James' Holy Bible 0%
A 'hello kitty' mouse mat and pencil holder 9%
A large amount of Amphetamines, Ketamine, Ecstasty, LSD and DMT 18%
Mary Kate and Ashley's Bukkake Party (the director's cut) 30%
World Peace, and an end to poverty and misery. 18%

Votes: 33

 Some help for all you aspiring Santas.

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Nov 10, 2001
Christmas will soon be upon us.
I refuse to call the most sacred day in our holy calendar 'holidays' like those politically correct types. Christmas is primarily a Christian festival for Christians where we celebrate the actual birthday of the 'seal of the prohpets' Jesus Christ himself. The very word Christmas is a conjunction of the words Christ, and Mass. Christians say a Mass for Jesus on his birthday.

Christmas is a time to reflect on spiritual matters. It is a time to be with friends and family. A time to put aside the corporeal, and strive to become closer to Jesus and God.


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So you are probably starting to think about what Christmas presents to buy for your friends and family. Should I get little Billy a GI Joe ? Or a WWF T-shirt. Would little Rachel like a chemistry set ? Or an anatomically correct doll ?

What about mad uncle Donald ? Would he like a subscription to an artistic magazine for gentlemen ?

The thing about playing the role of Santa, is that you must bear in mind your Christian responsibilities toward those you would bestow with gifts. You must stop and think, would Jesus approve ?

Negotiating the minefield of Christmas present purchase can be very difficult. Is it expensive enough ? will they like it ? Will I be cast into the eternal pit of fire and brimstone for choosing an unChristian present ?

With this in mind, I would like to present some Christmas literature for your consideration. Some of it is humorous, some is more serious, but all of these books carry the adequacy stamp of controversy. Any of these would make an ideal present for anyone (provided, of course that they are literate :-)), and since reading is an educational activity which improves the mind, there could hardly be any religious objections to your choice of gift.

For little Billy what could be more fun than the Harry Potter Box set

Uncle Donald could surely benefit from the insightful advice in Holy Sex and Ambushed at Sunset : Coping With Mature Adult Temptations

Its always difficult to find presents for the angst-filled teens in the family. So I have paid special attention to this group. All the following books make ideal yuletide gifts, and you will not be seen as an 'old square' if you purchase any of this selection for your nephews or nieces. Glamourama by Brett Easton Ellis, Success and Money by Martin Amis, My Idea of Fun by Will Self, Perfume by Patrick Suskind, The Fermata by Nicholson Baker, A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole ( a particular favorite of mine), High Rise by JG Ballard, K-Pax by Gene Brewer, Lila - An Enquiry into Morals by Robert M Pirsig, and last but by no means least The Dice Man by Luke Rhienhart

Some of you may be unfortunate enough to have a 'hacker' in your family. Why not demonstrate your 'tech savvy' by buying them a technical book. Perhaps one that can steer them away from the world of 'pr0n' and 'war3z' and onto a potentially lucrative career in systems administration. Samba Administrator's Handbook and Samba for Dummies explain how to make Windows machines talk to Linux machines. Your hacking relative will enjoy memorising the mind-numbing technical details that this kind of book is stuffed with.

And to round it all off, you probably have a younger relative who enjoys the modern phenomenon of rap 'music'. Again, here's your chance to show that you are 'down' and 'hip' with this crazy phat dope rap video. Your younger relatives will want to give you 'mad props' when they see what Santa's sack has in store for them.


dunno 'bout the rest of you... (none / 0) (#16)
by Slobodan Milosevic on Sat Nov 10th, 2001 at 06:35:42 PM PST
But I need a bigger hard drive for this here computer. And maybe a new keyboard. This one is royally wigging out.

Christmas Suggestion (none / 0) (#17)
by First Incision on Sat Nov 10th, 2001 at 07:10:46 PM PST
I have a suggestion for people that want to have a more meaningful Christmas. By a set of colliding circumstances, I had a great Halloween/All Sts./All Souls triad.

Good 'ol USian, plastic commericalized fun on Wed. (Halloween Night), a short All Sts. mass on Wed, a performance of Mendelshon's "Reformation Symphony" at the local Baptist college on Thursday, a special mass-with-the-Bishop on Saturday, then the local symphony performance of Bach's Mass in B-Minor immediately following, another normal mass on Sunday, and then a performance of Mozart's Requiem at a Baptist church.

God Almighty, that's a lot of religion, with just enough commercialism thrown in at the beginning. I'm thinking of going on another Jesus-binge this Christmas.
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

yes indeed - holidays (4.00 / 2) (#18)
by philipm on Sat Nov 10th, 2001 at 08:17:05 PM PST
As we all know, the holidays can be trying times.
Its important to imbue holidays with your own special family meaning.

For examle kwanza was a comletely fictitious holiday made up by people on welfare, but it has come to symbolize the respect that all people have for native americans and their right to own casinoes.

On behalf of the adequacy family, we should imbue christmas with its own special meaning. Christmas should be a celebration of the freethinking people that nailed that white trash to the cross. With the benefit of 20/20 insight, we see that if only they had used bigger nails, countless centuries of bloodshed could have been avoided. I urge everyone to put up a sign saying "Next time, we'll get it right." on christmas


Close but not quite (none / 0) (#19)
by egg troll on Sat Nov 10th, 2001 at 08:54:41 PM PST
For examle kwanza was a comletely fictitious holiday made up by people on welfare, but it has come to symbolize the respect that all people have for native americans and their right to own casinoes.

Almost. Kwanza was created to give a sense of pride to the African-Americans. No word on if malt liquor and government cheese are suitable stocking stuffers for this. The American Indians have no holiday because, a few bumper-sticker tattooed VW buses aside, few American's care. Besides, if they had given up their heathen religion and learned the truth when the white man and made this land free, they could be celebrating the Lord of Peace with us this December.

Posting for the love of the baby Jesus....

Christmas is not the most sacred day, (none / 0) (#23)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Nov 12th, 2001 at 03:41:37 AM PST
Easter is...

What rubbish (none / 0) (#27)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Nov 12th, 2001 at 08:35:50 AM PST
Are you trying to tell me that Easter is a more popular celebration than Christmas ? What planet are you on ?

No, READ (none / 0) (#28)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Nov 12th, 2001 at 08:58:23 AM PST
The article said more *holy* - there was nothing about it being a more popular celebration.

kind of like (none / 0) (#29)
by nathan on Mon Nov 12th, 2001 at 09:22:34 AM PST
how Hannukah is a very minor festival - it is only celebrated with enthusiasm in order to serve as an alternative to Christmas.

You meet someone who sleeps outside on Shavuot, and that's someone who knows his Judaism a little bit. Hannukah is not very important of itself.

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

Ignorant fool! :P (none / 0) (#35)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Nov 15th, 2001 at 01:03:08 AM PST
You shall suffer Yahweh's wrath!


You sleep outside during Sukkot (Feast of Booths), in the sukkah. Not on Shavuot (Feast of Weeks).


Why all the fuss then (none / 0) (#30)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Nov 12th, 2001 at 10:29:56 AM PST
If Christmas is not the most holy day in the Christian calendar, why do we make all the fuss of having a tree etc ?

trees. (none / 0) (#31)
by Anonymous Reader on Mon Nov 12th, 2001 at 11:50:57 PM PST
>If Christmas is not the most holy day in the Christian calendar, why do we make all the fuss of having a tree etc ?

Please enlighten me as to what the hell is intrinsically HOLY about a frickin' TREE of all things?

Christian calendar (none / 0) (#33)
by Anonymous Reader on Tue Nov 13th, 2001 at 08:33:35 AM PST
Please enlighten me how as to how the Christian calendar is laid out. I know there is a Hebrew calendar. I know there is a Lunar calendar.

The calendar that runs January through December is the ROMAN calendar. It existed long before Christianity became the offical religion of Rome.

So what is this Christian calendar?

Christian calendar (none / 0) (#34)
by hauntedattics on Tue Nov 13th, 2001 at 09:12:11 AM PST
Why do you think Easter changes dates (and even months) every year? Because it is always 40 days after Ash Wednesday. And those 40 days are called...yep, Lent. Then there are Pentecost, and Michaelmas, and other periods of the calendar that have to do with major Christian holy days. Advent is the period of time (I forget how long) before Christmas - people didn't always just open advent calendars to get candy, you know...

This is all off the top of my head and I'm sure someone with more knowledge on the subject can elaborate, if they feel it's worth their time. Jeez, I wasn't even brought up Christian and I know this stuff. WTF???

Roman? (none / 0) (#36)
by T Reginald Gibbons on Mon Nov 19th, 2001 at 10:23:42 PM PST
Yes, the Gregorian calendar as specified by Gregory Caesar. I certainly hope you aren't stubbornly adhering to the Julian calendar in this day and age. Even the Russians came around by 1918.

let's be clear (none / 0) (#24)
by buridan on Mon Nov 12th, 2001 at 07:07:00 AM PST
buying toys for youths as if you were a saint is clearly against the christian tradition, first it is deceit, second it is heretical, thirdly if the holy father or jesus had wanted your child to have toys, they would manifest themselves under the tree. If it does not happen, your child should assume that they are not one of the chosen, and that is probably because of the way they are living their life, the choices they make, etc. or it might be the choices you make for them, the son or a daughter of a devil is a devil themself, etc. in any case, you see the problems in this tradition...

sigh (none / 0) (#25)
by nathan on Mon Nov 12th, 2001 at 08:18:43 AM PST
More atheistic bushwa and doubletalk. What did you hope to accomplish with this post?

Li'l Sis: Yo, that's a real grey area. Even by my lax standards.

accomplish (none / 0) (#26)
by buridan on Mon Nov 12th, 2001 at 08:31:06 AM PST
why would anyone think they could accomplish anything with a post to adequacy? this post is merely informational, and I made no claims as to the truth of the matter, just claims as to the propriety of the actions if one claims christianity, which btw, i do not for just this type of cross-logical bushwa and doubletalk that taking such an ideology requires.


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