NB: This list of events is by no means comprehensive, and some less important events may have been omitted. Only the most controversial events of the past year have been enumerated here.

• January 20: President George W. Bush brings honour and intelligence back to the American presidency. Standing brave and tall and representing all Americans, Bush pledges in his inauguration speech to "build our defences beyond challenge, lest weakness invite challenge." With his gentle yet firm leadership, Bush keeps his promise, and America stands impervious to foreign antagonism throughout the dawn of the new millennium.
• March 6: After much controversy, the Soviet space station Mir ends its fifteen-year mission and returns to Earth. Its position in the sky is swiftly replaced by the far superior American-built ISS station.
• April 1: The Chinese deliberately force down an American spyplane, in order to pirate American technology and promote their Communistic agenda. President Bush acts quickly, though, and thanks to his brave leadership, the plane and its crew are safely returned to the land of the free, where no enemy can harm them.
• June 1: Crown Prince Dipendra of Nepal exterminates the royal family in a drunken fit, and chaos ensues as Nepal goes through three kings in four days. But while the Nepalese government falls apart, President Bush draws the American government together by nominating several new members to strengthen his Cabinet.
• June 11: Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh is finally put to death for his mass murder, cleansing America of his terroristic influence and ensuring that such a disaster will never happen on American soil again.
• June 28: The Yugoslav government extradites former president and visionary Slobodan Milosevic, betraying him into the grimy hands of the United Nations despite spirited protests from his beloved citizens.
• July 4: As the world celebrates the birth of American freedom, Adequacy, the Internet's most controversial website, is launched by a group of philanthropists seeking to promote the discussion of the Truth in a world dominated by lies. The launch of Adequacy ushers in a new era of veracity and understanding to the once hostile and untrustworthy Web.
• July 16: Hackers attempt a hostile takeover of the Internet using the deadly Code Red virus, which soon manages to control almost all web servers on the Internet. This vicious coup-d'état is only averted by the decisive action of AT&T to block personal webservers from serving illegal music and child pornography, thus protecting both American businesses and American children in one brilliant manoeuvre.
• August 25: R&B singing sensation Aaliyah's life is tragically cut short when her Cessna 402 plane crashes shortly after takeoff, killing her and 8 other inconsequential people. Computer criminals the world over mourn her loss, since the singer and actress was to have a starring role in the sequel to hacker documentary "The Matrix".
• September 12: The world takes a sudden renewed interest in the predictions of famous 16th-century prophet Nostradamus.
• September 26: Because of the lack of newsworthy events, Adequacy editor Peter Johnson takes matters into his own hands and makes his own headlines. After a long and harrowing battle with chastity, he manages to break the Guiness world record for most passionate sexual intercourse on American soil. When interviewed of the event, his only comment was "several long months of celibacy went into that".
• October 25: The world of information technology takes another giant leap forward with the release of Microsoft's long-awaited Windows XP operating system. This new operating system provides unparalleled stability, connectivity, and security to consumers in a well-integrated and easy-to-use package. Sales of XP drive the already-strong American computer industry to even higher levels of prosperity.
• November 29: Former Traveling Wilburys member George Harrison passes away after a long battle with cancer. While still a powerful and influential musician and songwriter, he unfortunately never had the chance to pen a song as bold as, say, the Lennon-McCartney classics "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" and "Something".
• December 2: American innovator Dean Kamen revolutionises the world of transportation with his amazing Segway device. Affordably priced at a mere $8000, these gyroscopic marvels are poised to completely replace traditional bicycles and automobiles within the next decade. Atlanta becomes the first city to adopt and embrace the Segway.
• December 11: Encouraged by the strong and confident American economy and high consumer optimism, the Fed reduces interest rates to the lowest levels since 1961. This brave move by Greenspan ensures that the Christmas season sees America as the trading superpower it has always been.

Economically, militarily, and spiritually, the year 2001 has been an excellent year for America and her people. Our industries are as strong and powerful as ever, and we Americans are more patriotic than we've been since the Bicentennial. Flags wave from every building and vehicle in celebration of American hegemony. Our armed forces are strong and proud to serve Uncle Sam. Grand strides in nuclear missile defence technology shall ensure that America remains a safehaven for freedom and democracy in the coming decades and beyond. Truly, the first year of the third millennium will be remembered as a grand time for all humanity.

But what awaits us in the upcoming years and decades? With the nations of the world at peace, and movements underway to further globalise and unify our lives and economies, we can only assume America's prosperity will continue to rise, along with the world as a whole. No nation has a reason to hate America, and even if they did, our armed forces are unmatched in fighting ability and our defences are impenetrable. Any flag-waving, full-blooded American will tell you how proud and fearless he stands amidst the purple mountains and spacious skies of his fatherland, where he works in comfort in one of our many high-rise office buildings and travels with our safe, friendly airline industry. The great empires of Rome and Greece had their Golden Ages, but then perished; there is no end in sight for America's own Golden Age. Barring some unforseen, tragic event, America shall rule the world with fairness and liberty to the end of time.