The problem with M*A*S*H is that it unapologetically and blatantly pursues a set of values that are immoral at best and anti-American at worst. The notion that a nation that is infected by an epidemic of un-Scriptural sexual values needs a television program with a main character named "B.J." is arguably hateful. On the surface, M*A*S*H might seem to be "just another sitcom", but when one examines the subject matter and the material that is presented, you have no choice but to shudder at the sheer audaciousness of it all.

What follows is the agenda that M*A*S*H seeks to advance:

• Alcoholism

  It is difficult (and quite likely impossible) to find an episode of M*A*S*H that does not feature the 4077th's medical team guzzling all sorts of immoral liquids, such as beer, Scotch, and (most notably) homemade gin made from a customized distillery. Episodes of the program have routinely displayed Army officers tanked to the gills, falling down and emitting slurred gibberish.

  The message that M*A*S*H sends with regards to alcohol is simple: it's okay to drink, and drinking heavily is an excellent way to relieve stress. And the negative effects on society are well-documented; studies in the late 1970s demonstrated that after M*A*S*H premiered, incidents involving high school students experimenting with homemade grain alcohol distilleries increased exponentially. Worse, many teenagers were injured when their "stills" exploded, leaving them with second-degree burns and shrapnel injuries.

• Homosexualistism / Transvestitism

  One of M*A*S*H's recurring "gags" involved the story of one Maxwell Q. Klinger, a Lebanese leftivist who was so hell-bent on getting out of the Army that he dressed in women's clothing in order to convince his superior officers that he was insane and should be sent home. I won't get into the immorality of attempting to dodge military service in a time when the world needed brave men to protect it from Communism.

  However, I cannot overlook the shameless and blatant promotion of the homosexualist lifestyle that is inherent in the Klinger subplot. Now, before the cries of "bigot" and "homophobe" get splattered all over the pages of Adequacy, let me say that I have no problem with individual homosexuals. In fact, my neighbor's gardener has a homosexual nephew, so I am clearly not speaking in a vacuum here. This said, we must condemn the lifestyle (if not the individuals), and we certainly must not celebrate the fact that one of the most popular television programs of all time is being used as the pulpit for a belief system that is inherently anti-American.

  In fact, a study performed by Straight Arrow Ministries contained a survey of 50 recently-cured homosexuals who indicated that the Klinger character was a "major factor" in their decision to hop off of the heterosexual bandwagon. This is the real danger inherent with the program; the normalization of such behavior by portraying it positively on a popular television show results in a Chomsky-esque manufacture of consent. The moral compasses of impressionable young people are having their polarities reversed.

• Wiccanism / Satanistism

  Following the untimely "death" of Lt. Colonel Henry Blake, the show's producers replaced him with Colonel Sherman T. Potter, played by actor Harry Morgan (of Dragnet fame.) Potter quickly won the hearts of TV viewers as an irritable and crotchety (yet soft-hearted and fun-loving) Regular Army commanding officer. They apparently ignored the fact that he was introducing the children of America to many epithets of questionable morality, such as "mule muffins" and "busload of bushwah!"

  In recent years, the good Colonel has taken on a more sinister persona, though. This character was the inspiration for one of the darkest new fads to be introduced to the new generation. Consider this: we have an actor named Harry playing a colonel named Potter. Harry? Potter? Harry .. Potter? I won't go into the sordid details of J.K. Rowlings' Harry Potter books, but I will say that the black scripture that flows from her pen of unspeakable evil is corrupting children by the thousands. And they are being corrupted in the name of M*A*S*H.

  Doubtless, Rowlings was attempting to associate the name of her protagonist witch with a character that, for whatever reason, is much beloved by the American people. She was trying to trick the moral community of America into accepting this devil-boy by using cheap and tawdry name recognition. This is a brutal assault on traditional values; unfortunately for Rowlings, she has failed miserably. We know what she is up to.

  However, one has to wonder why M*A*S*H continues to be run in syndication despite this obvious connection to witchcraft. Could it be that the folks at Fox are unaware of the tight bond between the 4077th and the occult? It may be more sinister than this; we have long suspected a clandestine Wiccanist invasion of our nation's news organizations and entertainment outlets. Some have suggested that this notion is silly and unsupported by any hard evidence. They can no longer suggest this; M*A*S*H is Exhibit A.

• Affirmative Actionistism

  When the series originally aired, it featured a black surgeon named "Spearchucker Jones", even though there were no black doctors during the Korean War. One wonders why the producers of M*A*S*H felt compelled to include an openly black character, even though the foundations for that character were a complete and total fabrication. A likely answer is that they were operating under the nation's affirmative action policies and wanted to "balance out" the cast. The result, however, was disastrous; the moral community quickly pointed out the true role of blacks in the Korean War and the character was immediately removed from the show.

  Let me be clear about this; racism is almost always unacceptable. It doesn't matter if it's white-against-black or black-against-white or anything in between. If the show's producers and writers specifically engineered a character whose sole purpose was to be black, then they are viscious and unimaginable racists. Furthermore, their support of the failed policy of affirmative action constitutes direct discrimination against Caucasian actors who are capable of medical roles. Actors should be hired based on their ability and their genetic relevance to the subject matter, not on the basis of race. Steven Spielberg's film "Amistad" would have looked awfully silly if ten percent of the slave ship occupants were Irishmen. The same principle should have been applied to M*A*S*H.

• Unabashed Leftivistism

  M*A*S*H has always been friendly to the leftivist cause. It spends far too much time detailing the horrors of war, while spending far too little time explaining why war is sometimes necessary. It elevates peacenik pacifists such as Dr. Benjamin Franklin Pierce ("Hawkeye") to God status while at the same time ridiculing red-blooded patriots such as Major Frank Burns. It goes out of its way to attack successful and wealthy capitalists such as Major Charles Emerson Winchester, while at the same time devoting entire episodes to the lives of Communist Korean families.

  While it is true that we have a First Amendment to our Constitution that grants people the right to free speech, we also have laws against treason. It is not at all obvious to me that the producers of M*A*S*H and the networks that syndicate its reruns should be allowed to air anti-capitalist, anti-war, anti-America propaganda.

Friends, these are just the highlights.

The conclusion is clear; M*A*S*H must be taken off of the air, by force of law if necessary. It is a trivial matter to compose a Constitutional argument in defense of this position. We are granted the power and given the perpetual duty to defend this nation from all enemies .. foreign and domestic. We are facing an enemy that promotes promiscuity, boozing, sexual deviance, racial quotas, pacifism, and witchcraft (to name a few of its transgressions.) This being the case, we cannot in good faith call ourselves Americans if we do not oppose this with all means that we have at our disposal. This is not a game. An entire generation of Americans is at risk, and we have been called to defend them.