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If the economy and job markets were not so shitty, I should:
quit and become an IT specialist 0%
quit and become a streetwalker 0%
quit and become a burger flipper 0%
quit, ride a train and sing the blues 27%
go postal 18%
stay there and become a prostitute on the side 9%
sell my soul to the devil 9%
sell my soul to P&G 9%
sell my soul to a pawn shop 0%
become a professional lunatic on web-based message boards 27%

Votes: 11

 lab monkeys

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Oct 01, 2001
here begins a rant.

you have been warned.


More diaries by motherfuckin spork
I'm typing a bunch of crap. read it if you want, it's not my problem...
Hey, look, its yes another wonderful entry to my dearest diary!
Yes another entry, another rant, and this one is about rants.
drugs, jazz, cancer, and really really stupid people
let us try this again: more words typed by me for your enjoyment
The power of words
Its about time I write more!
Time does not exist.
land of the dead
I cna tpye vrey welll
sleepy, so very sleepy
whooooooooo! look at the flurry of activity
The fleeting memories of a bowl of cereal
Hey everyone,
What's for lunch?
Excellent Work!
Why should I care?
sucks to be you
I'm allergic to my in-law's basement...
The importance of a very nice figure
life lessons
small and firm
hmm, I suppose I should have expected this
A Friend in Need
am I being stalked?
I had a dream
Is my title "lab monkey"??? Did I somehow get accepted to gradschool and not know it? Am I now an hourly technician? What the fuck, then, is the deal?

Gee, I thought I was a professional? I've been harped at and bitched at for no damn good reason in the past about it. But yet, when I get treated like I'm your motherfucking lackey, as if I'm at your damned beck-and-call, you act as if I'm supposed to take it up my ass and like it.

Ask me if I'm going to get my PhD one more fucking time and I swear to God I will rip out your throat.

I would swear that my title is development chemist, is it not? Then why, pray tell, am I running a constant barrage of moronic, nearly pointless lab experiments that any fucking bench-jockey could do? I would swear that when I entered the development group that I was being brought in for my insight, my creativity, and my knowledge... so why the fuck am I running mindless experiments that I could train a fucking spider monkey to perform?

I am not the company's fucking dumping ground. You want that, hire a fucking technician. I could care fucking less that you've been at it for 20 years... I've been at it for 6 now, which is considerably longer than most of my co-workers. And yet, I am continually treated as if I'm some idiot that cannot think for himself. I am treated as if I am here to run any old experiment that you fuckers come up with, no matter how fruitless I tell you it will be - and speaking of which, how often have I been wrong? Yeah, that's what I fucking thought.

Buncha shitheads.

If I am not allowed the opportunity to actually use my brain at work, I'm going to fucking explode and say "screw you guys, I'm going home"... and then you'll be up shit creek, and wouldn't that be damned funny.


So... (5.00 / 2) (#1)
by Starship Trooper on Mon Oct 1st, 2001 at 08:34:33 PM PST
Are you going to get your PhD?
A seasoned witch could call you from the depths of your disgrace, and rearrange your liver to the solid mental grace

you bastard! I must kill you now! (none / 0) (#2)
by motherfuckin spork on Mon Oct 1st, 2001 at 09:10:59 PM PST
no. probably not, at least not anytime soon. With one kid and another on the way, it would be almost suicidal to choose to pursue the doctoral at this time. I've probably got enough heavy research done at work that I could use for a dissertation, but the classwork would kill me. not worth it.

I am not who you think I am.

A solution for Sporkie! (none / 0) (#3)
by opalhawk on Mon Oct 1st, 2001 at 10:57:10 PM PST
Hey man! I figured it out! I know how to turn you situation around so that it makes you (and me) happy!

First you have to send me vauge descriptions of the innane experiments that are to be run. I will then run the experiments for you, or some vauge aproximation thereof.

Next I will send you an e-mail stating that the experiment turned out just as you has expected. Seeing as you are apparently never wrong about the outcome, perhaps I need only e-mail you if somthing goes insanely different than planned.

In return for saving you valuable time, you would naturaly be more than happy to send me a measely 1/8 of your sallary, plus any monies you would normaly devote to purchacing materials for research, which is probably more than I make in a year.

In all the free time you will have, you can breeze through your PhD, Write your Nobel Prize worthy dissortation (don't worry, I don't want my own chapter, a few pages of thanks in the forward will suffice...) , and begin a search for a job where your true brilliance will be appreciated.

The way I see it, this is a plan for success! It will benifit two great scholars, and quite possibly the entire rest of the world!

I will expect your first e-mail tomarrow morning. Please be sure to include any deadlines so I can appropriately "plan" my "useage" of the local university lab...

P.S. Out of curriosity, where are your previous degrees from? (I have a theory about grads of a certian institution, and I want to see if it holds true... don't worry... it's not a bad thing... really... )

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

and therein lies the crux of hell (none / 0) (#5)
by motherfuckin spork on Tue Oct 2nd, 2001 at 08:30:29 AM PST
you see, to send you experiments to run would open that whole giant can of nasty worminess called "intellectual property"... and in the world of pharmaceuticals, this is a heavy deal, especially for young companies that are still building their "IP portfolios".

I also get the feeling that you vastly overestimate what a chemist makes in pharma/biotech, particularly in a company located in the midwest.

And about the right/wrong issue with running experiments... its a simple matter of judgement and knowledge of chemistry. I am probably the only true chemist in my group... I'm surrounded by managers (who've long since forgotten any chemistry knowledge), or engingeers, who may know quite a bit about processing, but very little about the actual chemistry taking place.

Perhaps that comment is a bit presumptuous, but, what the hell, it was a rant, and well, it was not altogether inacurate, haughty and uppity as it may sound.

Besides, I've already started on a report for something mind-numbingly stupid that proclaims "we are all freakin' geniuses, and should get the Nobel Prize in Chemistry"... so you see, I've got that covered as well... I'd let you read the report, but, well, that whole intellectual property thing crops up again.

I am not who you think I am.

Can't you open source this stuff? (none / 0) (#7)
by typical geek on Tue Oct 2nd, 2001 at 08:43:02 AM PST
Just point your managers to the success experienced by Linux, and I'm sure they will come around.

Many eyes make great drugs!

gcc is to software freedom as guns are to personal freedom.

yes and no (none / 0) (#8)
by motherfuckin spork on Tue Oct 2nd, 2001 at 10:32:46 AM PST
its called the FDA.

but genereal public... umm... no. that would be dumb. I don't think I'd want random-active-ingredient or flung-together-delivery-form from joe "I've got a old Chemlab play set" blow making "drugs"...

unless you really like stuff made in clandestine crystal meth labs...

and they tend to blow themselves up a lot.

I am not who you think I am.

That's only because making meth is illegal (none / 0) (#9)
by typical geek on Tue Oct 2nd, 2001 at 10:59:50 AM PST
back in Prohibition days, making alcohol was illegal, so many people got sick from badly made alcohol, or adulterated alchohol. Nowadays, people only get sick from home made alcohol because ethanol is a mild poison.
If meth was made legal, people would be able to make it with safe ingredients, and be able safe meth kits. Think about it.

gcc is to software freedom as guns are to personal freedom.

actually, no. (none / 0) (#10)
by motherfuckin spork on Tue Oct 2nd, 2001 at 12:55:24 PM PST
you'd still need to have a state of the art, explosion proof lab in order to be safe. the ingredients are usually fine, the problem is that to make meth it requires you to heat up acetone, which is just not a good thing, being that it will either explode or simply catch on fire.

the cladestine makers also usually use nitrites, which are also explosive.

its just a matter of inept morons making illict drugs for personal profit vs. actual chemists that know what their doing...

I am not who you think I am.

State of the art lab? (none / 0) (#11)
by typical geek on Tue Oct 2nd, 2001 at 01:15:26 PM PST
Amphetamines were in WWII, so they must have been invented in the 20's or 30's, so you mus tnot need a state of the art lab to mix them up, heck, a cinderblock shack with 120 V should do it.

I hear you can even mix them up in a cup, with lithium batteries and ephedrine pills.

gcc is to software freedom as guns are to personal freedom.

umm... (none / 0) (#12)
by motherfuckin spork on Tue Oct 2nd, 2001 at 01:38:49 PM PST
you do make them from ephedrine... usually pseudoephedrine, being sudafed. That's why the DEA monitors the commerce of sudafed and generics thereof.

and as far as meth being made a long time ago... go check into how often those labs exploded. The whole chemical industry exploded an awful lot back then. Lots of death and missing limbs. Really.

I am not who you think I am.

oh yeah... (none / 0) (#6)
by motherfuckin spork on Tue Oct 2nd, 2001 at 08:31:22 AM PST
I grad-e-ated from the University of Dayton.

I am not who you think I am.

Might I suggest: (none / 0) (#4)
by theR on Tue Oct 2nd, 2001 at 07:24:19 AM PST
"Listen, motherfucker. I'm not your motherfucking lacky, I'm a motherfuckin spork!"

It's all right to cry,
Crying takes the sad out of you.

-- Rosey Grier


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