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 exorcising haunted attics

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Oct 31, 2001
i used to own a really cool house with my girlfriend. it had this one room in particular that you accessed through a flight of stairs, but it overlooked the living room, such that you could open some doors to the living room below.

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we both loved that room. the entire house was like this intricate labyrinth, which made it a very interesting place to live.

the only problem is, nobody could go into that attic room that overlooked the living room. it was haunted by demons. several people attempted to go into the room over the years, thinking i was exaggerating the gravity of the situation. they regretted it. the demons would torture the poor slob's very soul until he ran out of the house screeching in horror.

we tried everything to get rid of the demons. we brought in a priest... ran away screaming. we brought in a short fat lady... ran away screaming. we sterilized the room with holy water... it was immediately converted to green pea soup and spewed all over the living room.

finally, at the end of my rope, i came up with a plan. i went to a local graveyard and violated as many coffins as i could. i took several gunny sacks full of dead bodies to the attic and spread them out on the floor.

i quickly left the room and stood at the end of the hall, my ak-47 at the ready.

after a few minutes, the posessed bodies came running out of the room. having finally taken earthly form, the demons lunged straight for me. i let loose with a hail of bullets, mowing down bodies and leaving only a mushy red and green (some of the bodies had been buried for a while, after all) puddle on the floor.

my girlfriend and i celebrated our victory over the agents of hell by fornicating wildly in the nice attic room.


Was this near Stull, Kansas? (none / 0) (#1)
by Adam Rightmann on Wed Oct 31st, 2001 at 07:52:26 PM PST
It does ominous.

A. Rightmann

what? (none / 0) (#2)
by osm on Wed Oct 31st, 2001 at 09:24:18 PM PST
what does this most cryptic message mean? are you a terrorist?

I meant "it sounds ominous" (none / 0) (#3)
by Adam Rightmann on Thu Nov 1st, 2001 at 06:10:28 AM PST
and look up Stull Kansas in Google.

A. Rightmann

wow. cool. (none / 0) (#4)
by osm on Thu Nov 1st, 2001 at 07:07:49 AM PST
i should take my camera and poster and make another natalie portman film there. i had never heard of that place. though, a friend of mine told me that one of the seven gateways to hell was in lawrence kansas, which he also named the "next cultural mecca" (after the seattle scene would die).

of course, it's impossible to take anyone who calls lawrence the "next cultural mecca" seriously.

Perhaps he meant Mecca in the original sense (none / 0) (#7)
by Adam Rightmann on Thu Nov 1st, 2001 at 07:30:28 AM PST
and now thousands of Satanists will start to make their Hajj to Lawrence.

A. Rightmann

Jeez (none / 0) (#5)
by hauntedattics on Thu Nov 1st, 2001 at 07:12:20 AM PST
Wow. Jeez. Maybe I'll just start calling myself Pollyanna or Flowersarepretty or something.

you start calling yourself (5.00 / 1) (#6)
by osm on Thu Nov 1st, 2001 at 07:17:49 AM PST
"Natalie" and I'll fly your pregnant ass out here and give you free room and board forever. or at least until your daughter turns 16.

ahahahahahahahaHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA (5.00 / 1) (#8)
by osm on Thu Nov 1st, 2001 at 10:19:47 AM PST
jesus, i crack me up.

Cracking up? (none / 0) (#9)
by hauntedattics on Thu Nov 1st, 2001 at 01:20:23 PM PST
You may crack yourself up, but sometimes I wonder if you're not just cracking up. Or already cracked.

dear hauntedattics (none / 0) (#11)
by osm on Thu Nov 1st, 2001 at 01:29:16 PM PST
i can no longer hide my true feelings for you. whenever i look at my natalie portman poster, you are, in fact, all i can see.

i didn't realize what an empty, horrible, wretched, filthy, putrid life i have been leading until you pranced onto adequacy and began taunting me with your delightfully playful posts.

come with me, hauntedattics, it is the only way.

abject apology (none / 0) (#12)
by hauntedattics on Thu Nov 1st, 2001 at 01:43:57 PM PST
I'm sorry, osm. I didn't mean to piss you off, I just wanted to bring you a little joy and sunshine. I'll go and sit in the corner for awhile. Bad, bad hauntedattics.

The Natalie Portman poster is better. Stick with her.

just like all the rest (none / 0) (#14)
by osm on Thu Nov 1st, 2001 at 01:59:34 PM PST
as soon as you are nice and show interest, they treat you like shit.



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