Adequacy front page
Stories Diaries Polls Users

Home About Topics Rejects Abortions
This is an archive site only. It is no longer maintained. You can not post comments. You can not make an account. Your email will not be read. Please read this page if you have questions.
The Perfect Female Form:
Eva Habermann 16%
Natalie Portman in "Leon" 11%
Natalie Portman in "Where The Heart Is" (after giving birth) 22%
Milla Jovovich 33%
"Help, I've fallen and can't get up!" 16%

Votes: 18

 Happy Valentine's Day!

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Feb 13, 2002
Subtitled: "You no longer have the right to be butt-ugly"

More diaries by osm
I don't enjoy life
Movie Review
Of Microsoft and "Great" Britain
The Truth Behind ESR's Sex Tips
The Dating Game
a day in the park with opalhawk
opalhawk's childlike innocence
[UPDATED]heavenly white roses seem to whisper to me when opalhawk smiles
Can't sleep? Bored with the same-ol' same-ol'?
no sleep for the weary
what the hell am i doing here?
smaerd dicul htiw erutnevda yadnus
a new hope
life changing event
help wanted
life is grand
surgical strikes
decisions, decisions
lifestyle changes in face of terrorism
lesbian update
what a freak
MY weird uncle benny
Why Natalie Portman Is Better Than Any Of You
exorcising haunted attics
we've hit the big time, baby!
has natalie met her match??
unfortunately, she speaks english
a whole new perspective
Hell in a Handbasket
famous last words
I Miss Hauntedattics
Startling Revelation
Occupying America
Super Bowl Commercial
Happy Birthday, Reagan
OB-La-Di, OB-La-Da
The Day the Dopes Came Over
clusterlizard survives barage of hacking attempts!
I haven't been getting a whole lot of sleep
This is my diary
Queen Mum Spontaneously Reanimates, Does Elvis Imitation

In much the same way as America has been implementing a "highway beautification program", I think it is time we implemented a citizen beautification program. In fact, though I'm not into big gov'ment, I think legislation should be passed to require citizens to not be ugly.

With the current state of plastic surgery and quick weight-loss programs, there is no longer any excuse for someone to be unpleasant to the eye. Here, I will outline a few standards which I think would be a good basic start for a citizen beautification program.

Breast Size

Nothing is more disgusting than large, flapping breasts which probably have dried sweat encrusted between them from 12 years ago. Any woman with a bra size over 32-B should be forced to undergo breast reduction surgery. This surgery is so commonplace these days, it is an outpatient procedure.

This will have the benefit of cutting down on mysterious foul odors. It will also curtail fabric consumption (a severe environmental problem) and significantly enhance the general attractiveness of the population.


The only thing more disgusting than large, flapping breasts is a pregnant woman. Any woman "with child" should be forced to stay at home, preferably locked in the basement. Practically every time I have to go to the store to buy food, I am visually assaulted by a gruesome, waddling mass of bulging flesh and unkempt hair.

Men seeing a pregnant woman walking about has probably destroyed more marriages than any other factor. I know from experience that when I have seen a random pregnant woman shuffling pathetically about, I have lost all desire to touch my girlfriend for several weeks afterward.

This should even be taken a step further and young girls who are obviously going to grow into extremely attractive 18 year old women should be rendered unable to bear children. Of course, their eggs would have to be harvested for a surrogate mother situation or cloning to make sure naturally beautiful girls continue to be produced.

Eye Color

Colored contacts are not the answer, as they are obviously not authentic. Our best scientific and artistic minds must be harnessed to produce a method of permanently altering a woman's iris color to the perfect shade of green or blue.

Hair Color

Again, dyes andw igs are no solution, since the color of the pubic hair is important (if not shaved). Therefore, all female fetuses without a genetic predisposition for blonde hair must be disposed of. Or a contract must be entered into with the people of the United States by the parents on behalf of the unborn child that the child will shave her pubic region and consistently bleach her hair upon reaching puberty.

Body Weight

Any woman who is overweight should be forced to begin a quick weight loss program. If the woman cannot reach a satisfactory weight, then she will be forced to undergo weight-reduction surgery. If the woman later puts the weight back on, she will be hanged at the pentagon.

A good rule of thumb would be 110 - 120 pounds for a woman 5'7" tall.


Children should be kept at home. Period. Seeing one of these creatures puking up breast milk is one of the great horrors of my life. I would imagine such a scene would repulse Lucifer. If a child must be brought out of the home, it should be wrapped in cellophane and a thick comforter, preferrably a comforter with a tasteful floral design.


Well, I'm tired of typing now and I have to get back to work. And before the inevitable post comes up pointing out that Natalie Portman has brown eyes and hair: She is the exception to all rules.


hey (none / 0) (#1)
by Anonymous Reader on Wed Feb 13th, 2002 at 11:03:15 PM PST
you like blue-eyed anorexic whores? i went to rosedale's the other night and one was workin'. she looked to be about 19, no tits, blode hair, and smelled like robitussin and chicken grease.

want me to hook you up?

"whores"? (none / 0) (#2)
by osm on Wed Feb 13th, 2002 at 11:28:36 PM PST
I thought I explicitly stated NO PREGNANCIES!!!

Exactly. (none / 0) (#3)
by tkatchev on Thu Feb 14th, 2002 at 12:47:54 AM PST
Have you seen pregnant protitutes?

Peace and much love...

yup. (2.50 / 2) (#5)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Feb 14th, 2002 at 05:14:18 AM PST
Have you seen pregnant protitutes?

Want me to point you to a few? They do charge more, but hey - it's two for one!

NP in "Leon"... Hmmm... (2.50 / 2) (#4)
by Anonymous Reader on Thu Feb 14th, 2002 at 05:12:27 AM PST
Who the hell voted for Natalie Portman in "Leon"?

She was something like 13 years old when she made that film...

I cannot claim to speak for all other Adequacy readers, but I really don't feel that a 13 year old girl represents the "Perfect Female Form".

Unless, perhaps, you are so insecure that you are afraid of fully-grown women and find little girls less threatening to your "manhood".

Are you (none / 0) (#6)
by hauntedattics on Thu Feb 14th, 2002 at 12:16:08 PM PST
the one who's into girls as statues, or is that some other prevert?

(And before someone corrects my spelling on that last word, I'm a Virginia girl by birth and I'm mining my linguistic heritage for effect.)

No (none / 0) (#7)
by osm on Thu Feb 14th, 2002 at 12:18:22 PM PST
but he is a friend. Neither of us is a "prevert". Please go away now.

Statuary (none / 0) (#8)
by doofus on Thu Feb 14th, 2002 at 04:53:59 PM PST
(are you) the one who's into girls as statues

As in [insert actress' name here] naked and petrified?

That's Craig McPherson (none / 0) (#13)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Feb 15th, 2002 at 10:53:52 AM PST
Haven't you been hanging around here long enough to know these things?

--Anonymous Reader #24601

Yes. (none / 0) (#14)
by hauntedattics on Mon Feb 18th, 2002 at 08:51:39 AM PST
I just forgot about whose perversion was whose. Wasn't that hard to do, actually...

Awww. (none / 0) (#9)
by jin wicked on Thu Feb 14th, 2002 at 05:33:39 PM PST
I was going to say Happy Valentine's Day to you too, but nevermind you big butthead.

"Ars longa, vita brevis...Art is long, life is short."

Oh (none / 0) (#10)
by osm on Thu Feb 14th, 2002 at 06:44:06 PM PST
I was going to say Happy Valentine's Day to you too

Well, that changes everything.

No no, that's quite alright. (none / 0) (#11)
by jin wicked on Thu Feb 14th, 2002 at 11:56:26 PM PST
My brown eyes obviously make me unworthy of even looking in your general direction to wish you well on a nationally recognized holiday.

"Ars longa, vita brevis...Art is long, life is short."

wanna make a porno? (4.00 / 1) (#12)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Feb 15th, 2002 at 10:02:57 AM PST
those eyes really do it for me, i'd like to see them scrunched up and rolling backwards in your head you morbd little london vagabond-looking artsy freak

We love you to, ya sexist pig ... (none / 0) (#15)
by Anonymous Reader on Sat Mar 9th, 2002 at 10:43:31 PM PST
You really haven't been laid in a long, long time, have you?

It's simple really ... keep your own ugly ass home, and you won't be subjected to any of that. And on an even brighter note, the rest of the world won't have to be subjected to you either.

Sounds like a plan.


All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective companies. Comments are owned by the Poster. The Rest ® 2001, 2002, 2003 The name, logo, symbol, and taglines "News for Grown-Ups", "Most Controversial Site on the Internet", "Linux Zealot", and "He just loves Open Source Software", and the RGB color value: D7D7D7 are trademarks of No part of this site may be republished or reproduced in whatever form without prior written permission by and, if and when applicable, prior written permission by the contributing author(s), artist(s), or user(s). Any inquiries are directed to