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my favorite 50's teen idol is
frankie avalon 0%
fabian 0%
james dean 28%
annette funicello 7%
natalie portman 64%

Votes: 14

 a new hope

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Sep 02, 2001

ok, so it's 3:45am and i have been working since 3pm. before that, i was asleep (off and on - 3pm is just when i decided to stay awake). and suddenly, it occurs to me that i may not be living a completely satisfying life.


More diaries by osm
I don't enjoy life
Movie Review
Of Microsoft and "Great" Britain
The Truth Behind ESR's Sex Tips
The Dating Game
a day in the park with opalhawk
opalhawk's childlike innocence
[UPDATED]heavenly white roses seem to whisper to me when opalhawk smiles
Can't sleep? Bored with the same-ol' same-ol'?
no sleep for the weary
what the hell am i doing here?
smaerd dicul htiw erutnevda yadnus
life changing event
help wanted
life is grand
surgical strikes
decisions, decisions
lifestyle changes in face of terrorism
lesbian update
what a freak
MY weird uncle benny
Why Natalie Portman Is Better Than Any Of You
exorcising haunted attics
we've hit the big time, baby!
has natalie met her match??
unfortunately, she speaks english
a whole new perspective
Hell in a Handbasket
famous last words
I Miss Hauntedattics
Startling Revelation
Occupying America
Super Bowl Commercial
Happy Birthday, Reagan
OB-La-Di, OB-La-Da
Happy Valentine's Day!
The Day the Dopes Came Over
clusterlizard survives barage of hacking attempts!
I haven't been getting a whole lot of sleep
This is my diary
Queen Mum Spontaneously Reanimates, Does Elvis Imitation

i thought about what would truly make me happy: young chicks, cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes. i then wondered what occupation would give me all of those things in great abundance. and so, i have chosen a new career path for myself, which i am setting into motion with this diary entry.

there is really only one clear choice for me: to become a fifties teen idol. as i grow older (though fifties teen idols, never really AGE), i can count on a lucrative advertising deal with sonic which will supplement the meager royalties i receive from my film career AND give me all of the free hamburgers and chocolate shakes i can shovel down my throat, until my heart explodes in one massive orgasm of cholesterol saturated blood.

i can't imagine a better pickup line: "hey baby, wanna go to sonic? i'll buy!" and everyone knows, there's nothing sexier than a fifties teen idol sucking on a fat juicy burger and guzzling a giant shake.


Comment (5.00 / 2) (#1)
by Craig McPherson on Mon Sep 3rd, 2001 at 12:30:26 AM PST
Dear Sir:

On a recent trip to Wal-Mart, I purchased a VHS copy of "Where The Heart Is" starring Natalie Portman. I bought this movie because I expected some wank-potential involved. Unfortunately, I must have had it confused with another Natalie Portman movie I'd heard about, because I found "Where The Heart Is" to be thoroughly un-wankable. I was hoping for girls in swimsuits or something of the sort, but that was not the case. Ms. Portman's performance was certainly above reproach, and there's something sexually fascinating about women afflicted with extreme pregnancy, but within half an hour I came to the horrible realization that I was watching a "chick flick."

My first experience with the infamous "chick flick" genre happend when I was perhaps 10 or 11 years old. If I recall, I saw "Fried Green Tomatoes" with my Grandmother at a local theatre. At the time, I had no idea what a "chick flick" was, but I knew that somehow, something was WRONG with the movie, and I just couldn't quite put my finger on it. I believe I slept through a great majority of the movie, because whenever I attempted to aim my eyes at the screen, I would feel a strong revulsion in my stomach and be forced to look away. It was just so very, very wrong. I felt violated and ashamed, but I was too embarassed to talk to anyone about it.

It was maybe five years later when I learned what a "chick flick" was and realized that that was what I had seen. I learned that all men feel violated and ashamed after attempting to watch such a movie. I no longer felt like a victim, but a survivor. After that point, I tried to avoid "chick flicks" in the future, with varying degrees of success.

Once I realized that "Where The Heart Is" was a "chick flick," and nobody was going to get naked, I tried to run to the VCR and turn it off, but I found an invisible field repelled me from coming within five feet of the "chick flick" videotape while it was playing. I went into the other room and looked at internet pseudo-pr0n for a while and tried to block out the sound coming from the television, but it continued to mock me:

"Even through these hard times, we've always been like Sisters!"
"Yes, like Sisters! You're so special to me!"
"You're so special to me, too, Sister! I think I'm going to cry!"
"It's okay to cry. We're like Sisters."
"Oh no. You're crying too. This brings back so many memories."
"Yes, I am crying. Happy memories make me cry. I just feel so emotional right now."
"It's alright to feel emotional. Let's talk about Issues. That's what women do when they're like Sisters!"
"Yes, no matter what the Issue, you're always there to talk about it, like a Sister!"
"I Hate Men. Don't you? Men make me cry."
"Absolutely. I'm going to cry right now."
"Oh no! Our other friend, who has always been like a Sister to us, was just killed by a tornado! I think I'm going to cry!"
"It's okay to cry. She was like a Sister to us. Life will never be the same."
CAPTION: 8 years later.
"I can't believe we're still friends after all these years. We've been through so much together. Everything is just the same."
"That's so right. I consider you a Sister. But I still miss our other friend, who was killed by a tornado 8 years ago!"
"I miss her too. She was like a Sister. I'm going to cry."
"It's good to cry. Let's cry."
"I Hate Men."
"Me too."

At this point, I personally had STOPPED crying and started screaming in sheer agony and beating my head against a wall.

It goes on for another 67 hours.

Eventually, after still more musical interludes, Sisters talking about Issues, Sisters Crying, Sisters Hating Men, and Sisters being killed by tornados (or whatever -- I was trying not to pay attention), the credits began to roll. The Repulsion Field around the videotape weakened just enough for me to jump towards the electrical outlet and unplug the VCR.

I don't like "chick flicks."

The point of this is that if you want, you can have my VHS copy of "Where The Heart Is," only played once, only watched 0.2 times. I'd imagine you already have a copy, but if you want this one, it's yours. If not, I'm going to be forced to throw it out.

Let me know.

If you want to know why Lunix is so screwed up, just take a look at the people who use it. Idiocy.

reply (5.00 / 1) (#3)
by osm on Mon Sep 3rd, 2001 at 01:10:26 AM PST
unfortunately, i cannot say whether i agree with your analysis of the film, because i didn't really pay attention to the plot or anything. having said that, i can say that this movie struck me at several levels:

a) natalie portman barefoot.
b) natalie portman with her hair braided.
c) natalie portman with blue nail polish.
d) natalie portman with her back bared.
e) natalie portman washing her legs.
f) natalie portman in a thin dress.

BUT... i did have a few issues with it:

a) if i were to stalk natalie portman (not that i would), like the librarian choad, i would have been in that walmart the minute her water broke, licking it up off the floor. he didn't burst through the window until she was already unconscious. totally unrealistic. and after that, i'm supposed to believe he REALLY loves her? yeah right.

b) natalie goes out of town and comes home to find the choad asleep on the couch with her daughter. anybody truly obsessed with natalie portman would have her daughter locked in the basement to keep her preserved and chaste until teenhood. not to mention the fact that if the daughter didn't look completely and entirely like her mother, i (hypothetically speaking) would have sold her into the asian slave market, much the way romans would throw children to the wolves until they had a male (they were, of course, all flaming homosexuals).

c) natalie goes to the library to find a book. she tells the choad she's looking for a book. what does he say? i don't remember exactly, but i know it wasn't "how much is it worth to you, baby?" just another moment completely lacking in realism.

d) and what's up with this bedridden "sister" in the attic? the second natalie portman walked into MY library, that sister would have been out the fourth floor window.

e) the trailer-trash loser who knocked her up. yeah right. what dipshit would abandon natalie portman anywhere? what dipshit would find that anything but totally absurd?

i watched the movie all the way through once, only replaying and pausing a few choice scenes. the second and third times i tried to watch it, i couldn't finish it. maybe if they cut out everything that didn't have natalie portman in it.

Yes, but... (5.00 / 2) (#4)
by Craig McPherson on Mon Sep 3rd, 2001 at 01:16:01 AM PST
Do you want the tape?

If you don't want it, and I don't find anybody else who wants it, I'm going to have to think of something else to do with it.

Maybe I could put it in a men's room urinal and see if anyone claims it.

Also, I thought there was some Natalie Portman movie with females in swimsuits. In fact, that was the one I thought I was buying, but I obviously had it mixed up with another. Do you know which one I'm talking about?

If you want to know why Lunix is so screwed up, just take a look at the people who use it. Idiocy.

yeah, i'll take it (5.00 / 1) (#5)
by osm on Mon Sep 3rd, 2001 at 01:28:51 AM PST
maybe you're thinking of "where the heart is". but it's another chick flick. i haven't actually seen it. if you're referring to the topless pictures of natalie portman floating around, those aren't from a movie.

what you should really check out is the international version of the professional.

Okay. (5.00 / 2) (#6)
by Craig McPherson on Mon Sep 3rd, 2001 at 01:32:05 AM PST
E-mail me your address your send it to me on ICQ and I'll get it mailed off within a week or so.

If you want to know why Lunix is so screwed up, just take a look at the people who use it. Idiocy.

umm i meant "anywhere but here" (5.00 / 1) (#7)
by osm on Mon Sep 3rd, 2001 at 01:39:22 AM PST

Eerie duality? (5.00 / 2) (#8)
by Craig McPherson on Mon Sep 3rd, 2001 at 01:49:08 AM PST
Where The Heart Is?
Anywhere But Here!

If you want to know why Lunix is so screwed up, just take a look at the people who use it. Idiocy.


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