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 The Dating Game

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Jul 23, 2001

jim lange: bachelor number one is a frequent poster on a popular website for the news-savvy elite. he enjoys strumming his guitar and getting bitchslapped by his wife. bachelor number two is a sophisticated open-source software advocate. his interests include writing about his newfound wealth and shooting innocent animals so he can stuff them and feel like the man he isn't. bachelor number three is a self-proclaimed troll. his interests include opalhawk and writing about opalhawk.


More diaries by osm
I don't enjoy life
Movie Review
Of Microsoft and "Great" Britain
The Truth Behind ESR's Sex Tips
a day in the park with opalhawk
opalhawk's childlike innocence
[UPDATED]heavenly white roses seem to whisper to me when opalhawk smiles
Can't sleep? Bored with the same-ol' same-ol'?
no sleep for the weary
what the hell am i doing here?
smaerd dicul htiw erutnevda yadnus
a new hope
life changing event
help wanted
life is grand
surgical strikes
decisions, decisions
lifestyle changes in face of terrorism
lesbian update
what a freak
MY weird uncle benny
Why Natalie Portman Is Better Than Any Of You
exorcising haunted attics
we've hit the big time, baby!
has natalie met her match??
unfortunately, she speaks english
a whole new perspective
Hell in a Handbasket
famous last words
I Miss Hauntedattics
Startling Revelation
Occupying America
Super Bowl Commercial
Happy Birthday, Reagan
OB-La-Di, OB-La-Da
Happy Valentine's Day!
The Day the Dopes Came Over
clusterlizard survives barage of hacking attempts!
I haven't been getting a whole lot of sleep
This is my diary
Queen Mum Spontaneously Reanimates, Does Elvis Imitation

commercial break

jim lange: okay, bachelors, are you ready to meet suzy?!

bachelors: yes!

jim lange: suzy, come on out and say hello to our bachelors!

suzy comes out from behind the curtain. she is very attractive. she sits.

suzy: hello bachelor number one.

bachelor number one: hello, suzy! let us walk on the beach and throw stones at the moon.

the audience sighs at the romantic vision.

suzy: ewww... bachelor number one, you sound very news-savvy. hello bachelor number two.

bachelor number two: hey, suzy! this may sound bizarre, but i'd like to show you my cathedral.

the audience laughs and claps.

suzy: why, bachelor number two! you really know how to get to the girls! hello, bachelor number three.

osm: ummmm, whatever. i thought opalhawk was supposed to be on this show.

the audience boos.

commercial break

jim lange: okay, suzy, you've said hello. now you can ask three questions to help you figure out which bachelor is going to accompany you on your dream-date to wichita kansas!

suzy: yay! okay. bachelor number two. if you could be a tree, what kind of tree would you be and why?

bachelor number two: i would be a california red-wood because i'm long and strong and i'm down to get the friction on!

the audience screams with delight and applauds.

suzy: very nice. okay. bachelor number one. what do you like to do on a first date?

bachelor number one: i like to take chicks up to my elite office and strum my guitar for them. then maybe show them how manly i am by letting my wife bitchslap me a few times and then whining on

the audience screams with delight and applauds.

suzy: ewwww. i like that! oh boy. bachelor number three. if you had to choose between being a billionaire and having world peace, which would you choose?

bachelor number three: ummmm. opalhawk. duhhhh.

the audience boos.

suzy: alrighty.

jim lange: okay suzy. now you must choose your dream-date! but first a few words from our sponsors.

commercial break

jim lange: okay, suzy. which bachelor did you choose?

suzy: well, it was a really tough decision (giggles) but i think i'm going to have to go with bachelor number one!

audience screams with delight and applauds.

jim lange: great! we'll bring your bachelor out in a moment, but first let's see who you didn't choose! bachelor number two, come on out!

esr walks out, gives suzy a hug and caresses her butt. suzy giggles and blushes as esr is escorted back-stage.

jim lange: bachelor number three, come on out!

osm comes out. suzy tries to hug him.

osm: don't touch me!

osm is escorted offstage.

jim lange: okay, suzy, let's meet your dream-date! bachelor number one, come on out!

spaceghoti walks out. he and suzy embrace. the audience screams and claps wildly. suzy, spaceghoti and lange blow the camera a kiss.

end credits.


los angeles times
entertainment section

in entertainment news today, a contestant on the "dating game," who is known only as "open source man" has filed a lawsuit against jim lange enterprises for fraud. open source man claims the show fraudulently lured him onto the show by claiming that opalhawk would be the "bachelorette."


open source man goes to trial

judge: mr. man, you have no case here! you claim that jim lange enterprises told you that opalhawk would be on the show, so you signed the contract. yet, the contract says nothing about opalhawk appearing on the show.

opalhawk bursts into the courtroom. the judge is awestruck by her incomprehensible beauty and charm.

opalhawk: open-source man, you have taken on the american justice system to preserve my honor! my innocent young heart sings your praises! come away with me!

judge: judgement is for the plaintiff in the amount of ten billion dollars and world peace!

everyone in the courtroom: hoorah to open-source man and opalhawk!


a taudry hotel room somewhere in wichita kansas

suzy removes her wig... she is a transvestite who is into sado-masochism! "she" pounds spaceghoti on the ass with a hickory switch.

spaceghoti: oh god, please no! my buttocks yearns to be pampered with baby powder and oil of myrrh. each violent thrashing takes away another piece of my manhood!

"suzy" laughs hysterically.


the black hills

opalhawk: oh, osm! as we sit here in the spot where crazy-horse received his insights, you are like a candle in the wind. but your flame cannot be extinguished.

osm: and you are like the salmon that swims a treacherous journey upstream to spawn!

tenderly, they embrace.


+1, FP! (3.00 / 3) (#1)
by sventhatcher on Mon Jul 23rd, 2001 at 07:51:04 PM PST
This is a deeply telling story about the nature of obsession and how it applies to American pop culutre. If I don't see this article re-posted on the front page by the end of the week, I'll be severely upset.

--Sven (now with bonus weblog vanity site! (MLP sold seperately))

I find you strangely attractive (5.00 / 2) (#2)
by Peter Johnson on Mon Jul 23rd, 2001 at 08:49:14 PM PST
Actually, I don't. My whole comment depends on you browsing in threaded mode, experiencing a brief moment of homophobic panic and then smiling to yourself at my mischevious antics as I reveal the hoax.

Are you adequate?
Are you adequate?

Screw You, Pikachu! (3.50 / 4) (#3)
by sventhatcher on Mon Jul 23rd, 2001 at 09:22:46 PM PST
Your plan failed, since I'm not homophobic.

You can read all about an amusing incident wherein I was offered money to receive oral sex from another man. I turned him down, being of a heterosexual orientation. I was flattered though.

--Sven (now with bonus weblog vanity site! (MLP sold seperately))

You forgot something! (3.50 / 2) (#4)
by SpaceGhoti on Mon Jul 23rd, 2001 at 09:23:36 PM PST
You forgot the part in which spaceghoti is further humiliated by being forced to deep-throat the sado-masochist transvestite.

A troll's true colors.

oh well... (5.00 / 2) (#5)
by osm on Mon Jul 23rd, 2001 at 09:27:32 PM PST
maybe in the next episode...

That's what I thought (1.00 / 2) (#6)
by SpaceGhoti on Mon Jul 23rd, 2001 at 09:32:06 PM PST
Two-bit hacks always think they know how to spin a story. Go back to your dreams of open-source millions and leave the real stories to the professionals.

A troll's true colors.

*open mouth... close mouth.....blink* (4.80 / 5) (#7)
by opalhawk on Mon Jul 23rd, 2001 at 09:39:52 PM PST
*open mouth.... blink, blink.....close mouth*

*close eyes, shake head eyes.......scrunch face confusedly.... blink... blink...*


You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

opalhawk: (5.00 / 2) (#8)
by osm on Mon Jul 23rd, 2001 at 09:41:23 PM PST
that has got to be the best reaction i have ever gotten to a troll. THANK YOU! :)

Random Message (2.50 / 6) (#9)
by sventhatcher on Mon Jul 23rd, 2001 at 10:25:35 PM PST
This is a random message that despite having no content will get rated 5.0 by at least one person (probably SpaceGhoti which is because SpaceGhoti secretly is everyone else on this site).

--Sven (now with bonus weblog vanity site! (MLP sold seperately))


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