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Best Eye Color In Women
Green 25%
Green 25%
Green 0%
Green 0%
Natalie Portman 50%

Votes: 4

 I don't enjoy life

 Author:  Topic:  Posted:
Jun 28, 2001

My life is one absurdity after the next. Of course, I make this happen myself, I know. Either that, or my existence is definitive proof of an Almighty (other than Natalie Portman, that is). Actually, that's exactly what it is. Proof of a God. Because such things couldn't possibly happen without a sick, degenerate intelligence behind it all, laughing hysterically at the misadventures it has so deviously lain before me.


More diaries by osm
Movie Review
Of Microsoft and "Great" Britain
The Truth Behind ESR's Sex Tips
The Dating Game
a day in the park with opalhawk
opalhawk's childlike innocence
[UPDATED]heavenly white roses seem to whisper to me when opalhawk smiles
Can't sleep? Bored with the same-ol' same-ol'?
no sleep for the weary
what the hell am i doing here?
smaerd dicul htiw erutnevda yadnus
a new hope
life changing event
help wanted
life is grand
surgical strikes
decisions, decisions
lifestyle changes in face of terrorism
lesbian update
what a freak
MY weird uncle benny
Why Natalie Portman Is Better Than Any Of You
exorcising haunted attics
we've hit the big time, baby!
has natalie met her match??
unfortunately, she speaks english
a whole new perspective
Hell in a Handbasket
famous last words
I Miss Hauntedattics
Startling Revelation
Occupying America
Super Bowl Commercial
Happy Birthday, Reagan
OB-La-Di, OB-La-Da
Happy Valentine's Day!
The Day the Dopes Came Over
clusterlizard survives barage of hacking attempts!
I haven't been getting a whole lot of sleep
This is my diary
Queen Mum Spontaneously Reanimates, Does Elvis Imitation

As some may be aware, one of my favorite haunts (my only favorite haunt other than my apartment) is one of the local Blockbusters. My local Blockbuster is unique in that every single worker there is a blonde. I was even verbally punished for pointing this out to the assistant manager one evening.

However, the thing with Blockbuster is not the opportunity for some small shred of social contact. That would be absurd. I realized long ago that I am to be denied this human luxury. No, Blockbuster is nothing more than an endless supply of fuel for my already excited imagination. After all, any building that contains every single film ever to feature Natalie Portman is nothing less than a shrine.

And so it was, last night, that I found myself there again. I'm very disappointed with my local Blockbusters, all of them, because not ONE has "Back to the Beach" or "Teen Witch". I've been craving these movies recently. I knew, from past visits, that these movies were not going to be had, so I browsed for something equally worthless.

I nervously examined the comedy, science fiction and horror sections, all notorious for their incredibly low-grade fare. Occassionaly, I would twitch as I looked up and noticed some undesirable entering the store. I prayed to my own personal God that none would cross my path before my mission was completed. Particularly, the toothless 40-something year old woman, who drove in in a pick-up with her greasy, long-haired, caterpillar-on-his-lip-having dork son and fat little daughter. I selected a few movies, one with a blonde chick and Ben Stiller, that Adam Sandler movie and the Toxic Avenger.

I was horrified as I moved into line. I managed to get behind that disturbing family that probably lives along the putrid filth of the Missouri river-banks. The greasy son was attempting to flirt with the cashier. I was pleased that she was having none of it. I was also shocked that she was a brunette!

"...and you do realize there is a late fee on your account?"

"Oh fuck, I didn't see that one coming from a million fucking miles away," I thought to myself.

The nasty 40-something blonde made a few nervous comments, attempting to relieve her embarrasment with her primitive concept of humor. "That poor, sweet, phermone-oozing cashier," I drooled, "how does such a delicate creature end up in a dump like this, dealing with people like that?"

my mind wandered as the undesirables attempted to clear up some confusion regarding some coupons. "This Blockbuster always smells like it has a gas-leak," I noticed, "I wonder if it's because of idiots like this coming in all the time? Maybe it's marsh-gas. I wonder if there have been any U.F.O sightings around here?"

I was actually disappointed when the family finally squared away their myriad issues and got the hell away from me... and that poor sweetie behind the counter. I was beginning to enjoy the line of fantasy I had ventured onto and was actually at the edge of that twilight zone where you don't have any awareness of your surroundings.

Anyway, I was excited to actually have some contact with this particular employee. Not that my past experiences with Blockbuster employees have been entirely pleasant, but this one was different... I could tell.

I moved to the counter and she looked me straight in the eyes. Oh Jesus. Her eyes were green. I held her gaze for a few moments, savoring that beautiful deep emerald sparkle. She smiled. What was that line from "Sweet Jane"? "Heavenly white roses seem to whisper to me when you smile..." Mhmhmhmhmhmhm

"Did you find everything OK?"

"I guess. I think you guys need more crappy movies, though."

"We have lots of crappy movies," her green eyes twinkled.

"I was looking for Back to the Beach or Teen Witch."

"I love Teen Witch!"

I literally gasped. Could this be true?!

"That movie is horrifying!" I exclaimed, my excitement level reaching life-threatening proportions, "I hate it so much, I can't not watch it!"

"Well, you got Toxic Avenger... that's a good one!"

"Oh my god," I thought to myself.

"Did you see the one where he marries the blind girl?"

"I thought that was this one," I quavered.

"Was it? I don't remember. I saw them all on USA one night."

"USA used to be so good, they would always have good movies on..."

"...Up All Night," we sang in unison.

She giggled and I lost all capacity for speech.

"I need your..."

"Oh yeah..." I fumbled for my card, my nervous system tweaked into a taut, vibrating rubber band by the excessive dosages of antidepressants.

She rang up my videos and put them in a plastic bag. I handed her my money, shaking like the green leaves of a maple tree in a brisk wind.

That's when I noticed it. Her necklace. Some multi-colored beads... nothing unusual there. But, hanging from the necklace were two female gender symbols side-by-side.

My insulin level plummeted. My heart slowed. My kidneys clenched. My veins collapsed.

"Enjoy the Toxic Avenger!"

"i will. bye."

i shuffled out to my car. my shiny, blue beetle. i pulled out and the river-people were still waiting at the exit. i pulled up quietly behind them. finally, a traffic light gave them an opening and they sped off, their pickup spewing oily smoke all over my windshield.



Oh man (5.00 / 2) (#1)
by spiralx on Fri Jun 29th, 2001 at 02:14:03 AM PST
Wow. That's a kick in the nuts eh?

Yeah (5.00 / 1) (#10)
by osm on Sat Jun 30th, 2001 at 06:15:08 PM PST
with a steel-toed boot.

*smacks head*! (5.00 / 2) (#2)
by jsm on Fri Jun 29th, 2001 at 02:26:44 AM PST
faint heart, man, never won fair lady.

The number of times I've seen good guys crash sure things because "oh yeh, then I saw her ring/lesbiian badge/prescription for syphilis medication", I'm thinking of writing my own "Sex Tips" file.

Women wear those things to repel creeps. Instead, of course, they repel shy men, who include a lot of creeps, but also a few non-creeps. You should never assume that either a) such a badge of non-availability is sincere, or b) that a married woman is, as if by logical necessity, not up for it.

... the worst tempered and least consistent of the editors
... now also Legal department and general counsel,

there you go again... (5.00 / 2) (#4)
by osm on Fri Jun 29th, 2001 at 09:10:24 AM PST
making a passing reference to esr's sex tips. even i'm beginning to wonder...

Sadly, lesbianism is "trendy" (5.00 / 2) (#3)
by Adam Rightmann on Fri Jun 29th, 2001 at 09:05:19 AM PST
and being pushed on America's youth by the filth-mongers in Hollywood. While the situation is being fought tooth and nail, and we have hopes for it being reversed (thanks to our Bush in the White House), many young women are tempted by this lifestyle, and may even dip into this carpet-munching dykism. That this sweet young luscious thing works at an outpost of Babylon is just one more piece of evidence.

I think you should consider this your duty as a right thinking young American to court this lovely lass and save her from a lifetime of mullets, leg stubble, flannel shirts and jean. Once she feels your manhood entering her Holies of Holies, all thoughts of women will leave her mind. We'll be praying for you!

A. Rightmann

That (5.00 / 1) (#5)
by osm on Fri Jun 29th, 2001 at 09:11:54 AM PST
was beautiful

Thank you (5.00 / 1) (#6)
by Adam Rightmann on Fri Jun 29th, 2001 at 09:21:53 AM PST
and remember Anne Heche.

A. Rightmann

*shrug* (5.00 / 2) (#7)
by Anonymous Reader on Fri Jun 29th, 2001 at 01:06:13 PM PST
This is the price we pay for living in a country that doesn't take the Book of Leviticus seriously anymore. I've been fighting the forces of "cultural change" .. have you? If not, then you have nothing to complain about. The "gay is okay" crowd may very well be lesbianing themselves out of potential mates.

Simply (1.00 / 1) (#8)
by ttm on Fri Jun 29th, 2001 at 09:14:54 PM PST
The best.


Take all things in moderation, Including moderation.

Phghghgh (5.00 / 1) (#9)
by osm on Sat Jun 30th, 2001 at 05:55:00 PM PST
damn trolls.


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